Letters from an Irritated Princess

by Tired Old Man

Warm Up Your Hearth

My faithful student,

I request of you and your friends a small favor. Well, not small; a big favor. I'd like you to come to Canterlot to perform the Hearth's Warming Eve play.

Apparently, the actors I'd originally hired for the show had a falling out last night, and absolutely refuse to perform together now. It involved some petty feud over who got to be Clover the Clever.

This is outstandingly remarkable considering the Earth ponies and Pegasi wanted to play as her despite Clover being a Unicorn. Somehow that didn't deter them as they brought horn props just for that; at this point, I don't doubt they brought fake wings in case they fought over Commander Hurricane. That'd be some First Class gumption right there.

But considering they couldn't come to a satisfying conclusion on that, I surmised that none of them were clever enough to be her if they couldn't reach a compromise. In fact, I told them as much. Really should have taken a photo of their faces.

Thankfully the Windigos I hired are still raring to go. Yes, the frigid demons of the Clamber Mountain range. Don’t worry about a thing regarding their cold spell. I told them to go easy on the icing this year; last year pony popsicles almost became a reality, and I don’t want a repeat performance of Chattering Teeth: The Musical. But otherwise, I'm now six or seven actors short--the narrator's on the fence as of this letter--so bring Spike just in case they bail too.

And remember: this is the biggest holiday play in all of Equestria. You'll be performing in front of a large crowd of influential ponies from many towns across this land and for foreigners beyond the borders, in addition to the... ugh, nobles from my own city. No pressure or anything, but please please please don't mess this up. Unlike the smarmy noble parties, this is something I don’t want going awry because of the foreign dignitaries.

I place my faith in you and your friends, Twilight. This play is now in your hooves.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Yes, Luna, you’re coming as well. Ah ah, no buts. It won’t kill you to watch a play for thirty minutes.

What? No, are you nuts? You know how expensive the concessions are outside! They’d charge a foreleg if they could!

...okay, we’ll get SOME treats there, but promise me you won’t throw popcorn at them if they turn out to be awful. Or rocks. Especially rocks.

Comments

[SP00KY NINJA-PON3]

If she can't throw rocks, what is she supposed to throw! The tomatoes for throwing are WAY too expensive. The rocks are free and ready for throwing!

[MidnightFMare]

5677580 Yeah!
Lyra: you throw rocks and hard tack at them sometimes
... point?
Lyra: and fruit cake, so much fruit cake.
inedible things that can be mistaken for meteorites and vice versa

[Zaid ValRoa]

5677580
They should have gotten a seat for Shadebeak, that would eliminate the need of tomatoes.

[SP00KY NINJA-PON3]

5677606 Why throw popcorn when you can throw fruitcakes!

[Tired Old Man]

5677580

"Solution: Bring your own tomatoes. Just don't have them out in the open as you walk in, and they won't know any better."

~Celestia

[SP00KY NINJA-PON3]

5677612 She's a Princess! She could just waltz in there with tomatoes. Probably would start a tomato inspired fashion trend with it!

[MidnightFMare]

5677611 Exactly! Or if you're strong enough, throw your friend show fell asleep before the show even began!
Vinyl: *Snoring*
Octavia: *grins* Vinyl~ if you don't wake up, I'm going to throw you on the stage~
Vinyl: *Snort* firve mer mintes ma... don wanna school...
Octavia: *throws*
Vinyl: Wha! Whu? Wharami? ... hiya folks...

[SP00KY NINJA-PON3]

5677633 And that's how the concept for "musicals" was made.

[Tired Old Man]

5677617

"No. Lady Baabaa already did that with a beet dress a few years back. I don't want to copy her style."

~Celestia

[SP00KY NINJA-PON3]

5677644 And that's why people started saying "Let the beet drop".

[BlueYoshi]

Good thing the play was successful. Otherwise, Celestia would've wrote another letter to Twilight, and it would not be a good one.

[MidnightFMare]

5677635 Exactly!

[Winter Star]

I may have missed this in an earlier comment, but I would like to know if the parts where Celestia is talking with Luna are included in the letters she is sending or not? I am curious as I have read other stories with magical quills that write as the user talks and it would be rather funny for Twilight to be getting one side of Celestia and Luna's conversations at the end of Celestia's letters.

[Tired Old Man]

5678047

Yes, those parts at the end are included in the letter. Tia clarified that in the comments here about two or three pages ago, but her quill records only her diction, including the half-conversations. The exception to this is if someone jacks the writing spell and messes with it, which thankfully has only happened once.

[Apocryphal Frost]

The entire play is only thirty minutes long? The play that is about their founding beliefs, not to mention the founding of their nation, and it's only a half-hour?

You...do realize the cartoon isn't in real-time, right? They aren't experiencing and then subsequently solving all of their problems within a half-hour period?

[Tired Old Man]

5678211

"You're right. There were two five-minute intervals taken for bathroom breaks and to clear out the excess Windigo snow that leaked past the stage into the seats.

But yes, the founding play really is that short if done properly. I give credit to the cast and crew's remarkable sense of pacing keeping everypony's attention; noone slept during the whole play.

If this play takes too long, one's normally to blame: the narrator and their asides. Spike only did a single aside for the whole play at the beginning, and the rest was script-only. I've been to plays where the narrator channels their ultimate yapping yak, with so much aside commentary the play could take up to SIX HOURS.

And let me tell you, when it drags that long, it can be a real snoozefest. I have intimate knowledge of that fact."

~Celestia

[Hurgusburgus]

5677544
i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/317/458/3e7.png
You deserve that, you really do.

[Winter Star]

5678086
Thanks for the clarification... I'm heading back to re-reading the previous letters then to make sure I didn't miss anything else.

[WorldWalker128]

...okay, we’ll get SOME treats there, but promise me you won’t throw popcorn at them if they turn out to be awful. Or rocks. Especially rocks.

Meanwhile and several years previous, in a location where Luna Nightmare Moon had thrown a rock at her sister while tipsy on moonshine:
fc04.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2014/078/3/d/maud_pie_by_katemaximova-d7asvtq.jpg

[C12]

Blow it out your arse, Luna!

I died laughing, got ressurected only to die again.
Then I got ressurected again. I am currently stuck in an endless cycle of life and death. Thanks to you.
Also The internet is for porn.

[kooarbiter]

5677612

BYOT? love it

[Pinklestia]

I think I wanna hug Luna.

[GoldenCyclone4]

5677544 Blue shell!

[drone_r0m-3]

Chattering Teeth: The Musical.

I'd go see that.

[musicluvr1974]

Thankfully the Windigos I hired are still raring to go. Yes, the frigid demons of the Clamber Mountain range. Don’t worry about a thing regarding their cold spell. I told them to go easy on the icing this year; last year pony popsicles almost became a reality

and I don’t want a repeat performance of Chattering Teeth: The Musical.

[ColdGoldLazarus]

Thankfully the Windigos I hired are still raring to go. Yes, the frigid demons of the Clamber Mountain range. Don’t worry about a thing regarding their cold spell. I told them to go easy on the icing this year; last year pony popsicles almost became a reality, and I don’t want a repeat performance of Chattering Teeth: The Musical.

Headcanon accepted! I like the implication that the Windigoes are on good terms with ponies now.

[Emperor]

Unfortunately for Luna, Pinkie Pie is in the play. It takes an incredible amount of fourth-wall breaking to pop up to offer her cake or cookies while simultaneously staying on-stage, and the Mirror Pool isn't for another season

[Lightning_Striker]

Just a note: now that we know Clover the Clever is a stallion, you might want to update that in the story

[KvAT]

Thankfully the Windigos I hired are still raring to go. Yes, the frigid demons of the Clamber Mountain range.

Hol' up