Letters from an Irritated Princess

by Tired Old Man

One Name Too Far, Part 3

Dear one very orange, very unhappy ‘Princess Celestia’,I don’t know what it’s called when a backfire plan backfires, but I think merely calling it “karma” is underwhelming. I also don’t know what it’s called to read somepony else’s mail and/or intercepting correspondence intended for an entirely different recipient, although I’m more certain that’s breaking a law than not.

In any case, the damage done is quite enough, ‘Princess’. In a matter of hours, you managed to introduce an outrageous apple tax turning into a luxury item within minutes, ban the consumption, growth, and even the mere existence of pears down to making the use of the word an unlawful offense. Worst of all, you’ve uprooted every tree I held in my garden and planted apple seeds in their place, according to my very confused and irate sister that’s been screaming in my ear for the past twenty minutes regarding the state of affairs as they’ve presently devolved.

It’s a disaster that could have been entirely preventable, and one I most certainly bear the burden of blame for. To that end, I apologize dearly for my actions to meddle with your name and the great volume upon which I have done so. Further does my apology extend to the years of anguish that have plagued thy tortured mind, body and spirit from petty name-slinging.

‘Tis time we buried this rusty hatchet, Applejack. I don’t expect you to accept this apology immediately — I wouldn’t even blame you if you never accepted it, and it would fully be within your right to do so. However, I am finally ready to let go and move on from this, to truly take you seriously after jesting your serious nature for so long.

All that matters now is whether you’re ready to let it go, and move on. Oh, and the restraining order too. Gods know I’m going to have to spend a week or two tinkering with the law so this sort of nonsense never happens again.

I’ll be waiting at the homestead with Granny Smith. She owes you just as long an apology as mine, if not longer depending on how wordy she is. Also, due to the sensitive nature of this topic, I entrust Luna with this letter so it will have an expedient delivery on our part.

And by the way, yes, she will have a mouthful for me when this is all over. More than a mouthful, if twenty minutes of screaming at my face is a preview of the main event.

Waiting patiently,

‘Applejack’

P.S. If you happen to have any further requests beyond making amends, I beseech thee to state them upon receiving this letter.

~~~

Dear Princess Awfulestia,

Ah only have one request.

Cheerilee’s chalkboard. You will write down the following phrase one thousand times by hoof, no fancy-schmancy magic:

“I will not make fun of Applejack’s name ever again, or my entire garden becomes her new orchard.”

If that name is misspelled or altered even once, say goodbye to the hedge maze and hello to a forest of apple trees.

And just in case I ain’t clear enough, I’ll say this just one more time:

My name is Applejack.

Author's Note:

When you've beaten a dead horse so long you're beating it with another dead horse...

...you make a grave twice as deep.

That said, I'm done with the joke, and ending it's been long overdue. But it might as well go out with a bang, hm?

Thanks for sticking with the ridiculous housekeeping, dear readers. Here's to a new year of ponies, and a good new year for Applejack.

Comments

[Tatsurou]

Okay, that was a hilarious end to that ongoing joke.

[HiddenMaster]

Heh. That joke did go on a bit too long and was overused, but this is an excellent way to send it off and brought back a lot of the humor it initially brought and more.

[Steel Resolve]

Who's the silly pony now?
Now say my name, and you better smile while you do it.

[Fire Flyer]

Wow... Celestia's good, but Applejack plays for keeps.

[Pentarctagon]

Oh thank god finally.

[Sigmacipher]

Celestia should probably rig a set-up like in the Second book of Captain Underpants where George and Harold had invented a device to write the same sentence multiple times....

[ChaseArni]

Finally, it's done for! And...Applejack actually won it. Nice.

[Xanderfox]

Applejack can only be pushed so far

[KnightMysterio]

One complaint: Invoking the 'Applejack hates pears' joke, especially to this utterly stupid degree, kills any of the funny (for me). I've ALWAYS hated that joke, and never understood how it gained any traction. It's dumb, and makes Applejack look dumb.

That being said, I have enjoyed every chapter of this story except for this one. I will continue to follow this story, as it is quite entertaining.

[Streakofscarlet]

Eh, to be completely honest, I thought the joke had just started to get really funny, with Principal Celestia being in on it and Celestia having more variety than just coming up with rhymes for 'jack'.

As far as this letter goes, I would have expected Celestia to get her own back, especially the amount of apple-related fuckery Applejack caused, rather than just admitting defeat. If the joke had to end, I kind of wish Celestia had ended it in her own clever way instead of "I'm so, so sorry." At least, that's what I was expecting with the last two letters.

I can't say I liked this one, though with how many people agreeing with you that it's beating a dead horse, it's easy to understand why it happened... just not like this.

[Tired Old Man]

7876200
Eh, it's a joke that has about as much traction as Celestia and bananas, and I know that joke's slipped in here at least once. Pony-food jokes all vary by individual taste, so I understand that mileage may vary, and apearantly this one crossed the line.

But hey, thanks for sticking around for all the fun! Er, until this chapter, which I guess wasn't fun for you. But there's always next time!

[KnightMysterio]

7876274 I'm honestly glad the Applejack War arc is done. I have full confidence in your ability to entertain, and shall return to enjoy future updates. I don't hate this current chapter, I'm just... disappointed.

(I have no idea where Celestia+bananas came from. I don't get it, either.)

[FanOfMostEverything]

Now that is how you get a running gag to cross the finish line. Excellent work.

[BlueYoshi]

Glad to see that this Applejack name came to a hilarious end.

ban the consumption, growth, and even the mere existence of pears down to making the use of the word an unlawful offense.

If that name is misspelled or altered even once, say goodbye to the hedge maze and hello to a forest of apple trees.

Yeah, I would do what Applejack said, Celestia. Otherwise, she'll be dancing in your new orchard, singing songs about apples and whatnot.

[LordMentat]

Was expecting a whole thing like the Heisenberg "Say my name" stand off at some point.

[MythrilMoth]

And the joke! FINALLY! DIES!! HUZZAH!!!!

[alfonso_rd_33]

will miss the Apple*insert anything here* joke...

Then again, that's the story of my life, I like what others don't, ergo proving my comedic rating is the superior one...

[howard035]

I love the ending to this!

7876274 Don't know about the Bananas one, but after the S6 Finale we know that Applejack not hating pears is how you can tell she's a changling.

[CasperSantiq]

#Applejack.

nuff said.

[Boulder]

SNERK!!
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/540/681/b7d.jpg
4.bp.blogspot.com/-1UaUbhnOnss/URaBdegK9aI/AAAAAAAAA34/P-WVFboHMhE/s1600/Dead-Horse-Theory.jpg
May need to open this in separate window to read it.

Bury the rusty hatchet? Yeah this is more likely.
0.media.dorkly.cvcdn.com/95/73/4e76afa0a2ec1d67028ebec4ffccbae7.jpg

[Brony Soprano]

I did not expect this arc to end like this. Applejack was brutal...

...Good.

[Albi]

I'm tempted to make a lengthy DBZA reference here. But, so I don't take up room in your comments, I'll just say this was a great way to end a meh arc and end a joke that, while I personally didn't think was overused, was probably running out of things to substitute 'jack' for.

[Jphyper]

I actually liked that joke. Maybe if it had been done a little more sparingly, other people wouldn't have gotten so tired of it. Oh well; it's your decision. Besides, the EQG version of Celestia is still up to the shenanigans.

[Iron Comet]

Celestia is done with Applejack. Now she needs a new target. Because Celestia has to have a target!

[LovelyScars5264]

I love this chapter so much and I'm not quite sure why.

[Vindicar]

7876017
Okie-dokie-lokie, Applejerk.

[ValNitak Choas]

freak funny,

[ValNitak Choas]

7876861 new target, twilight sparkle, or brad or was it flash,

[Iron Comet]

7878069 no, she needs someone that will take the shots but also has a name she can screw up.

[ValNitak Choas]

7878072 true

[Iron Comet]

7878076 Starlight Glimmer might be a good target or she can go through the mirror and drag Sunset Shimmer home.

[ValNitak Choas]

7878081 godo choose, be funny if try to get twilight and sunset and starlight to go out with each other just as a joke,
but yea I feel bad for her, her job most suck,

[SoulFlamePaladin]

7876281

I might be wrong but I think the Celestia+Bananas joke comes from:

(Around 00:39)

[Whiteout]

Dear Applejack,

Did you know that treason is, in fact, still illegal?

Love,

Your legal overlord.

[Zubric]

You think thT is bad try not messing up sunset starlgitn and sunburst and not saynf starburst by accident

Also don't get the pear thing ? Huh?

[Boulder]

8108161
7876274

In a matter of hours, you managed to introduce an outrageous apple tax turning ? into a luxury item within minutes, ? ban the consumption, growth, and even the mere existence of pears down to making the use of the word an unlawful offense.

? = them
? = then (needed to break the apple tax part from the pear part)

[Cursed Quill]

7876448
It's not worth knowing, really, but youtu.be/k4f9m4OYkCY

[Streakofscarlet]

Glad to see that this chapter is completely null and void now. Never liked how it ended.

[StormyVenture]

Time to whisk away Applejack and all of her trees and declare her the new royal gardener...