Letters from an Irritated Princess

by Tired Old Man

Maximum Effort Toward the Wrong Goal Gets No Marks

Dear Miss Dimple,

Thank you for submitting your application to my School for Gifted Unicorns on behalf of your daughter, Cozy Glow. Unfortunately, we must reject this application for the following reasons:

First, she’s a Pegasus. I’m sure you know this is a school dedicated to teaching Unicorns how to foster and develop their magical aptitude, and thus Pegasi and Earth ponies are seen as ill-fitted to attend. Despite this, I’ve made my case to the other teachers on my campus about how we’ve let some Earth ponies and Pegasi students and teachers from other schools come and study for the sake of broadening the knowledge of unicorn magic across all equine species. Were this to be the only reason to deny her enrollment, we would absolutely overlook it. However, other factors noted during the interview with you and Cozy left us with skepticism for some and doubt for others.

Next, her inability to socially interact with other ponies in an amicable way. This was the dealbreaker for over half of my staff, and it’s not because the girl can’t talk. Oh, she’s definitely got her way with words, but there’s something about her expressions and body language when she’s talking that… feels like a half-hearted act, to put it mildly. She even tried a puppy dog/adorable kitten look, which would have worked if she had a frown to match. Instead, we got a smile so creepy everypony didn’t know what facial expression to make in response to it. I cringed, by the way. Anyway, this disconnect between her diction and her outward appearance leaves us unsettled. Yet I am surprised, Miss Dimple; actors and actresses from under your tutelage are seen as much stronger than this, and I hoped to see that in your child as well.

Third and last, there is the matter of your massive butler leaving a butler-sized hole in my school building to take both of you home. That was not going to fly with me in ANY capacity—the children attending my school do enough damage scorching the walls and melting floors with errant magical maladies, and I will not have a behemoth like him walking through the halls and leaving potholes with every step at the end of every school day. I would need to hire a third carpenter just to compensate for the extra damage!

Thus, I am relieved sad to say that Cozy Glow will not be able to attend my school. However, I do have an alternative. There is another school in Equestria that is quite comfortable with their building being demolished on a weekly to monthly basis, and may be able to aid Cozy Glow with her bizarre behavioral quirks.

Enclosed is an application to Princess Twilight’s School of Friendship. It should go without saying that this application should be filled out honestly and truthfully. “Your Mom” is not acceptable when listing off parents and/or legal guardians.

Thank you once again for applying, and I hope this alternative suggestion will get your daughter the education she needs.

Stay Hot, Miss Dimple,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Out of curiosity, does your butler also do hired security? I know a great nightclub that’s in dire need of a bouncer after an… unfortunate accident with slipping on vomit. Lots and lots of vomit.

Luna, there you—AUGH! Gods, is that what I smelled like?! Go take a bath! No, take three baths!

Yes, that’s what it took for me to get all of it out of my mane. I don’t even care if you use my shampoo… except you will NOT use all of it unless you plan on buying me a new bottle. And don’t even think about grabbing a cheaper alternative! I have spent centuries sourcing out the best shampoo for flowing manes, and I will not lose it to bargain-bin products!

Fine, you may use my conditioner too, but under the same conditions.

No, you can't just send a servant to buy more shampoo and conditioner! Do you want angry castle servant revolts?! Because THAT'S how you get angry castle servant revolts!

Look, you weren't there when conditioner was invented, I was. Now, I may not be a ruler incapable of starting the odd strike, riot, or bathhouse sit-in, yet I know what it takes to stop these things from recurring. You REMEMBER the dark times of entire days spent brushing! It's not something I'm willing to revisit! Do you understand? Good!

Don’t worry; I’ll wash both of our bedsheets while you tidy up. The trail of gunk in the hallways we shall fix afterward! I will not leave it to the servants. Revolts, sister. REVOLTS!

Comments

[Chaotic Ink]

I still say Cozy Glow is Chrysalis in disguise, if only for point two. Plus she's showing up next episode, so... there's that

[Flash Notion]

8966508
That would be amazing.

[Ri2]

Was the giant butler a reference to Cats Can't Dance?

[BlueYoshi]

The movie "Cats Don't Dance" immediately came into my mind as soon as I read the first few words of this chapter.

[FanOfMostEverything]

I just hope Miss Dimple doesn't hear about those Abyssinian actors looking to get a pawhold in Applewood. Her reaction would undoubtedly be big and loud.

[Coyotek4]

I suspect that I spoiled myself regarding events later in the season, by way of reading the synopses that I found at TVTropes; this is a warning to others not to make my mistake.

[Coyotek4]

I like the 'Archer' reference. (I assume that's what the one thing I read was.)

[Nova Quill]

orig00.deviantart.net/ee25/f/2010/302/0/9/max_by_suteki_na_hiniku-d31q5cy.jpg

[Jphyper]

8966626
I think most of the chapter was a reference to that movie.

[Wolfsea]

8966508
Well if she turns out to be Chrysalis, that's an additional nod to Cats Don't Dance seeing as how Cadence's VA was Miss Dimple. Can't recall if it was singing or speaking though.

[The Shadow]

8966989
Yeah, but the last one obliterated Ponyville and 50% of Canterlot. They had to rebuild everything exactly as it was, erase the entire population of both towns memories, had to resurrect 3 of the Elements with some dark rituals that not even Twilight would be stupid enough to cast (if she even knew how to cast them), and poor Celestia had to regrow her mane 5 times maybe (still a little fuzzy on the number there) after she kept yanking it out. And that last one was without magic.

Pinkie knows better than to destroy towns with her shenanigans after the first time it occurred and she got a stern talking to by Celestia. But the combined forces of High Mistress Flufflepuff and First Disciple Chrysalis....yeah....

Poor towns never stood a chance.