Dear Flintspark,
I extend my greatest apologies on behalf of my student's actions on Sunflare's hallowed mating grounds. It was not, nor was it ever, my student's intent to embarrass you in front of your mate. And everyone else.
You see, earlier this morning she had asked an innocuous question about Spike and where baby dragons come from. I had attempted an explanation at the time, but my demonstration using various food items including a hay weenie, a doughnut, and a chicken egg somehow wasn't clear enough for her. Birds and bees during breakfast failed, so I tried something else: books.
Unfortunately, our library didn't carry any textbooks on dragons either. Turns out the researchers I had sent to the mating grounds for the express task of making such a book failed in their expedition. Your leader Sunflare told me they ended up in ridiculous compromising positions close to the dragons and were crushed, burned, or both, instead of observing from a safe distance like she warned them to. This is something I was certain my student would respect both in terms of the sanctity of the grounds and the intimacy of the matter as a whole of not getting in there for a close inspection upon our visit.
I was so very, very wrong, and greatly underestimated her inquisitive nature and dogged determination to search for answers, no matter the cost. It was foolish of me to not keep an eye on her the entire time despite my warning to keep close to me and Sunflare's warning to stay away--she's hard at following instructions, you see--or else I'd have known she would take the ruler out of her hair and measure your unmentionables on the spot.
Further, I sincerely apologize for Twilight pointing out the disproportionate size discrepancy--with a further comparison to a carrot from her lunch saddlebag--and for the ensuing roar of laughter that had come from every nearby dragon in the vicinity, including Sunflare. And my laughter. I really, really apologize for my laughter being the loudest.
I insist she did such a comparison for educational purposes only, and that what she drew in her sketchbook is a gross misinterpretation of the source material. It's a stick figure of a dragon with a nub I think is supposed to be an outie. It's quite misleading, and I apologize for this crude construction which will definitely not be used in any sort of textbook following this visit. Not in the slightest.
We'll be taking our leave as soon as Twilight studies other dragons from a good, long distance away. She'll clearly be able to see what she needs to that far away as opposed to her close-up with you. So I apologize once more for her ill-conceived measurements and you becoming the laughingstock of the grounds, so please do not burn my castle down in a bout of rage over this miniscule issue.
You will regret it.
Sincerely and apologetically,
Princess Celestia
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Buahaha... Dragon birds and bees, an inquisitive, and I assume Younger Twilight, and some very unfortunate revelations...
Love it.
Celestia strikes me as the type of pony who is a master of the passive aggressive. Well, not so passive, really. Snarky aggressive?
For some reason, it reminds me of the "As if I really look like this" scene from Spongebob.
A carrot ? I wanted cucumber ! for my sandwiches of course . . .A lady . . .Oh never mind !
Yes.
Minuscule indeed.
God dammit, Twilight!
Given the way Spike wanders around, it makes you wonder if dragons mate like chickens: By slamming their cloacal vents together.
5634572 Or if like snakes, everything is internal until needed.
5634585
Maybe he won the lottery and has hemipenes.
5634593 That's actually realy common amongst reptiles. Then again, I would say he lost the lottery as due to FiM's mechanisms regarding dragon aging, Spike may never mature.
You will regret it.
98% Appology.
2% Warning.
I don't think I'll be able to look at donuts the same way for a while now.
OOC: Well, why not. Acting like I'm responding to Celestia herself should be amusing if nothing else.
5633598
That's still a bad excuse. If nothing else, now that you know what really happened, you should do something that most rational ponies would do in this situation. Apologize. You were overly (massive understatement) harsh to her even though she had every reason to be skeptical (and even didn't judge her at first), you didn't bother putting any blame on Zecora for acting utterly suspicious (seriously, glowing yellow eyes under a dark hood? Yeah, not ominous at all) and not just saying something to reassure them that they were wrong about her. Instead she gave vague warnings which was followed by all that stuff happening to them. Also, you're really blaming Twilight for not knowing every last thing in the world? You do realize that just because she reads doesn't mean she knows everything, right? You do realize what an absolutely idiotic title that book had, right?
Actually, considering how in other letters you blame Rarity for getting kidnapped and blame Fluttershy for not having advanced knowledge on phoenixes, maybe I shouldn't be surprised. Were it not for the (admittedly adorable) parts at the end with Luna, and the incredibly rare moments in your letters where you show the absolute minimum concern for your "precious" student, I would honestly be wondering if you were even Celestia at all and not some impostor. Because, quite frankly, I'd dread the alternatives.
5634906 It's a joke about seal clubbing..
Queen Tiamat, "Apology accepted. From all five of my heads. We also accept your golden Apple Tree we took from your royal garden which I'm sure you meant to give us as a good-bye present for this humiliation. And the entire back stock of Pony Joe's pastries. If you believe this wasn't a big enough apology on your behalf, feel free to send us another letter. And I was hearing you wanted an excuse, this is just a rumor mind you, to tear down your old castle and make it fit more as a duality between you and your sister. Of course this is just a rumor. But I'm CERTAIN there is a code phrase for making such requests. Sent us another letter on this subject and I'm sure I'll recall it and enact on your humble request at once. Though I hope it wouldn't be an act in error. I'd have to have to tear down the mountain I sleep under for no good reason again."
5635200
"Consider that if she had maintained her skepticism all the way through and actually read the book (thus calling out her friends on their crazy rumors by showing them cold hard facts), I would have showered her with so much praise she'd be radiating sunbeams for a month.
But she didn't, and because her conclusions lesson clearly didn't stick in her head, I had to drill it in harder, hoping it would stay. Sorry if that's too harsh, but when you have a student that's resistant, but still malleable to trivial things, and dense to important matters, sometimes a hammer and an icepick is necessary for the latter.
As for Zecora, her actions were hardly suspicious. Digging a small random hole? Odd to be sure, but barely anything to freak out over unless she buried something in it, which would rightfully be suspicious. Glowing eyes? Paranoid perception from the minds of the mindless. Anything can look scary in the right (or wrong) angle, lighting, and mindset. Living in the Everfree? Scary, yes, but Fluttershy lives on the border of the place. Where's the rumors about the animal caretaker/Dragon Watcher on the edge of the forest of insanity?
And Zecora's rhyming, which is part of Zebra nature, was still a pretty clear indicator of where they were standing. 'Those leaves of blue are not a joke.' They were standing in blue leaves. While not a direct reference to Poison Joke, the warning was clear enough to maybe look into plants with blue leaves and see how dangerous they are. Or, you know, ask her for clarification as to what she even said to them.
Neither of which happened until the former started after something went wrong the next morning, where such a search did occur. But then she ended up ironically being skeptical of the book that would have solved her problem. I can't give points for effort if they yielded nothing when an answer was within reach in the same way a professor can't give credit for an assignment that doesn't have sources referenced which a student could readily find. That said, I would have forgiven her if she bothered to read it at that point, because she would have at least had a reasonable solution to her plant-based affliction as opposed to attributing it to mumbo jumbo.
So yes, I'm mad she didn't read that book. She's read books with far more unusual titles to the point where that shouldn't have been an issue. When I came down with a cough, she looked into a book called 'Bloat Frogs in Your Throat? 101 Holistic Remedies and Cure-Alls for Unusual Illnesses' as one of the serious avenues of pursuit to cure it. It was cute, albeit misguided, but her sentiments were appreciated.
Do I expect her to know everything? No, but I expect her to at least be savvy about all the books in her library by now. She's spent enough time to read every book in there at least once over, and that includes factoring in all the things that happened in Ponyville up to that point. The fact that she hadn't is absolutely stunning to me.
Now, in regards to Fluttershy, I asked in advance if she knew about phoenixes, and if she didn't, that she quickly be educated on the matter through some means, in addition to nopony touching my bird. That warning and advice fell through the cracks, so why wouldn't I be irritated?
Although, if the Parasprite incident is an indicator, Fluttershy is shooting par for the course, so maybe I shouldn't have been so surprised she didn't know. 20/20 hindsight, huh?"
~Celestia
OOC: In regards to the Diamond Dog incident, this blog post I made on the situation should clarify everything about it as things stand. If anyone has any questions about the incident, that post should answer just about anything you need to know.
Minuscule issue...
Ehehehe
(OoC: I think you're the only author I've seen who replies in-character like this, and I must admit I find it very funny! Although it leaves me confused as to whether the points brought up in your post are actually what you believe, or what "Celestia" believes. Still, might as well keep responding in kind. In fact, I'll even use quotes as well this time. If you don't feel like responding to all the points, then feel free to just address the points in the OOC section at the bottom, which are actually my biggest problems with the story. )
5635818
"Ah, nice to hear from you again.
Now, I think you are being too harsh on Twilight. I say this because you are not considering the book itself. As I'm sure you are aware, not all books are reliable sources of information. Here, I'll give you a personal example. I am currently taking a course in Quantum Mechanics, and one of the things we have discussed is how there is a lot of misconceptions about the subject, and a lot of that is due to pseudo-scientific books written about it that either do not understand the subject, or just make things up. There are plenty of books that just throw the word Quantum in the title because it sounds scientific, and the hope is that seeing it will make people buy into it. This leads to books with names like Quantum Healing which contain things not even remotely related to Quantum Mechanics and which are always false.
In other words, while it is always good to rely on books for information, one also has to be wary of less reliable books. The book in question was called supernatural, which Twilight assumed to be one of those pseudo-scientific books I described above. Was she wrong to assume such a thing? Absolutely not. It's the same way for the examples I gave, such as Quantum Healing. If the very title of the books implies that the author does not even understand the subject they are writing about, then there is no reason to look at it. If anyone is to blame for the misunderstanding here, it would be the author for naming their book something that they should have known would seem suspicious to an educated reader. It is not Twilight's responsibility to go through every single book out there in great detail to figure out what is reliable and what is nonsense. To blame her for not using that book is equivalent to blaming her for using her common sense. If you want to do something about this situation, then write a letter to the author and demand that they change the name of the book.
You bring up some valid points about Zecora, yet at the same time you miss some other points. Yes, digging a simple hole is hardly concerning and only a bit odd. However, that's looking at it without taking into account everything else. For example, why would she be digging random holes in town? Why would she go into town seemingly just to dig said holes? The ponies don't have an answer, so it makes them suspicious. Not only that, but there is still the glowing eyes. Which, despite what you say, was not a trick of the light (considering her head was covered by a hood). Honestly, I'm not even sure why they were glowing under the hood, but that's beside the point. As for the point of the Everfree, that's hardly a fair comparison. For one, Fluttershy doesn't live inside the Everfree, and while the forest is in eyesight she's also not exactly on the edge. Zecora lives inside the forest (and from how long it took them to get to her hut, it seems quite a distance into the forest). Along with that, the ponies know Fluttershy, and often interact with her. The same can't be said for Zecora.
Just to be clear, this is not meant to imply that they should be suspicious of Zecora. Only to say that to blame the ponies and call them unfair and judgmental for how they treated Zecora is, ironically enough, unfair and judgmental of you. Honestly the real answer here is that no one is to blame. It all came about due to unfortunate circumstances and coincidences on both sides.
I'll ignore the next mention of the book, as I've already gave my answer to that above. Although, I will repeat my last statement for that answer, which is that blaming Twilight for ignoring the books is practically blaming her for using her common sense. If you want to start tossing accusations and blame around, then toss them at the author for being a complete idiot for calling his book on plants something ridiculous.
Your example of one of the books she has read in the past is hardly a fair comparison. Silly title or not, it was clearly related to what she wanted to find (treatments for illnesses). In the case of Supernatural, the title made it sound completely unrelated to what she wanted. Again, send angry letters to the author, and not your student for using her head and doing something any researcher does (heck, not even researchers. Anyone who sees a book they think is unrelated to what they are looking for would have done the same thing).
As for Fluttershy and your phoenix, I guess that's just something different about your world, it being an alternate dimension and all. Still, funny how despite you telling her in advance in this reality that her actions didn't change to match."
Alright, OOC time. The book point bugs the crap out of me. There are countless books that are completely unreliable sources and looking at the title is something pretty much anyone (researcher or not) does to see if it could be helpful or not. My Quantum Mechanics example is completely true. Go to any bookstore and you'll find books on Quantum Healing and other such things, and every last one of them are absolutely false and either don't even relate to Quantum Mechanics, or twist things around to trick people. Twilight deciding not to use a book because of it's nonsensical title was smart of her, as it shows that she knows to look out for things like that. Blame the stupid author for using a ridiculous and misleading pun to name their book. As far as I care they deserve having their book ignored if they're going to pull things like that. If you want to use a pun for a name, at least use a pun that everyone will immediately understand is a pun, and not one that you have to actually spend time thinking about to get the pun.
My point on Fluttershy is also one of my biggest issues with AUs (especially concerning AUs with a premise similar to this one), which is that it seems authors use the AU tag so they can throw in strawman arguments to make the character in question seem right. In this case, it would be Celestia telling Fluttershy in advance. Obviously that never happened (and in fact she never even mentioned it while Fluttershy was right in front of her), which is why Fluttershy did what she did. The problem here is that even though you use the AU tag to make it so that Celestia did tell Fluttershy, you leave everything else the same. You didn't change Fluttershy's actions even though they should have changed since the actions Celestia took were changed. Doing that and then having Celestia accuse Fluttershy of pretty much being an idiot is called a strawman argument, and it also defeats the purpose of using the AU tag. It's a strawman argument because Fluttershy has been forced to be wrong because of the lack of change in her actions. That's why I just about despise the AU tag lately, because I've seen this exact same problem in pretty much every story that does something like this. It changes the actions of one side (usually the character writing the letter) to make them seem less at fault (here that would be Celestia telling Fluttershy since she didn't do that in the show, meaning that she was partly at fault) while leaving the other side the same, making them seem like the only one to blame (again, here it would be Fluttershy doing the exact same thing even though she was told in this case, because her actions have not been altered to take the AU part into account).
5634952
wait you're just now figuring out?...
the comedy of innocence
Hahaha!
Hmm...
5635818
dear princess celestia on a purely academical question as a human living in your lands im often perplexed on whether or not ponies or mares in general like having their bellies rubbed. also is it a good idea to do so on a first date? i am patently awaiting on your reply since im hoping to ask out the great and adorable trixie
signed bestindworld
p.s. since hearths warming is coming up i have enclosed one golden ticket to the cheesecake factory were the holder of said ticket is guaranteed one slice of any flavor cheesecake everyday for a year for being like a 2nd mother to me enjoy