Letters from an Irritated Princess

by Tired Old Man

Griffons Treasure Their Precious Stones

Dear Diary,

A postal griffon came by today, and tried to make me pay postage for a parcel in his possession. Namely, a box of fresh griffon scones I had ordered over a century ago. Never mind the fact that the delivery was ridiculously delayed, and the fact I had already prepaid that postage after fishing around for that receipt in my desk. Oh no, he still wanted that delivery fee.

Further, upon my query as to how Griffonstone was doing, he had the gall to suggest his words on the town were worth their weight in gold. Literally--one bit per word! Ponies are not made of money! I'm not--I barely qualify as angel food cake! And he expected full-price for something normally given out for free? Is this what Griffonstone turned into--a lawless land where one can legitimately charge a wing and a leg for rendered service?!

One stern negotiation later (coupled with an argument on the semantics of repetition, wasting words and clever wordplay), he agreed to at least make his words worth that weight, and to waste no time. Still rang me up to three hundred or so with his article usage. Clever bird.

In hindsight, this was but a paltry price to pay. I don't lie when I say I was elated when King Grover had stopped sending me ridiculous fees for border maintenance--HIS side of the border, not mine--and having the gall to charge me ten thousand bits to even have my reply land on his gilded desk. Seriously, when one has the audacity to have me pay to have my own words heard by them, I weep for their country. Then they'd probably scoop that up and sell delicious princess tears by the ounce.

It never occurred to me that the "good" king had been ousted from his throne, what with every griffon being sick of his silly taxes--you know, because money is always their problem. I suppose it was obvious, and probably a fitting end for such a wealth-obsessed griffon as him, although I did admire his good taste in jewelry.

However, fortune finally found favor for the other griffons freed from his rule, as Pinkie and Rainbow Dash had apparently set the griffons on the path of friendship instead of miserly behavior and greedy ambition. Or at least one where they stop charging each other for frivolous tasks. I seriously have my doubts, given that birdbrain bamboozler, but until I hear of a new king or queen on the throne, there is little more to judge at present time.

All there is left to do is wait and see how it develops now. Until then, I have fresh scones to eat.

Ah, these look... actually, these scones look like somepony threw them in mud, then blended in a cement mixer. But the smell is right, so they have to be good!

Ow! No! Not baked goods! Evil baked goods!

Luna, do NOT eat those terrible things! They are a baking sin on ponykind! I mean it!

What?! I warned you, but you didn't listen! Now we need two ice packs!

Pinkie better have fixed this travesty, or else she let this monstrosity continue to thrive and demolish griffonkind, one jaw at a time!

Comments

[Billblok]

Pinkie better have fixed this travesty, or else she let this monstrosity continue to thrive and demolish griffonkind, one jaw at a time!

"One step ahead of you!"

[MythrilMoth]

Does kinda make you wonder if the next time we hear from Gilda, she'll be QUEEN Gilda...

[Masterweaver]

6103977

So there's a theory I read somewhere that Grampa Gruff is Gilda's grandad. And also king Guto, after he went insane.

[Seether00]

6103977

I approve of this idea. Write it. Though I doubt being Queen of the Griffons would be much fun. Probably would be a lot of work.

[Tired Old Man]

6103977

"Griffonstone NEEDS no king."

Suddenly, this line is starting to shine in a different light.

[BlueYoshi]

Oh my. I hope the princesses are all right....

[Gale Singer]

That's why griffins evolved beaks - their teeth simply couldn't cope with chewing their own scones!!
6103902

[Kiryu]

Yeah, not gonna lie: I hoped by the end of this that Griffonstone would break apart, fall into the Abysmal Abyss and the Griffons would need to find a new home for a fresh start with Gilda leading them using Frienship as their new "wealth"... then again, after reading this, they might start charging each other bits for their friendship, including the right to ask to be friends

[Shade]

6095827 That is, and I shit you not, a horse-head-mask shaped squirrel feeder!
Here is proof of existence:
http://mcphee.com/shop/horse-head-squirrel-feeder.html
http://www.amazon.com/Accoutrements-Horse-Head-Squirrel-Feeder/dp/B00I5PUHEQ

6095820 I aim to please. One day, I my hostile takeover of this site will be complete, and my humor will reign supreme!
i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/973/365/7e6.jpg

[FanOfMostEverything]

he had the gall to suggest his words on the town were worth their weight in gold

So... a few milligrams of displaced air? The mass of Celestia's auricular canals? Words don't weigh much no matter how you weigh them, and gold is dense.

In any case, yeah, diplomatic ties seem like one of the things griffons wouldn't bother to maintain in their society-wide malaise. No wonder the Cutie Map had to alert ponies to the situation.

[Triple Word Score]

Let's see here Mr. Griffon, I think we can come to an arrangement. You give me 10000 bits per week, and I'll personally ensure that the Sun won't crash into Griffonstone. But wait! There's more! Act now, and for just 6000 bits more, Luna will keep the Moon safely on its proper trajectory over your territory. That's a 20000-bit value for only 16000! What a bargain!

[Mystical Rainboom]

6109206 (\ Thnx.

[Cobalt Shock]

6110477 Who's that?

[musicluvr1974]

6110695 Spider-Man's everyday nemesis, editor of the Daily Bugle newspaper, and Peter Parker's employer, that's who. (Don't he and Cave Johnson share the same voice actor? Check out Spider-Man 2. )

[RedDawn]

Were they just perfumed rocks? Because if so, someone needs to tell the Gryphons that that's not how you make rock cakes.

[MidnightFMare]

6117258 In old zoviet Moscow, zat is how ve make rock cakes. Now, I am need of sandvich.

And I have it on good authority (Maud) that is how you make traditional rock cakes. I just wanted to sound Russian

[DualKitsune]

6104069 But what about a queen??? I'm thinking Queen Gilda sounds quite nice. Or maybe High Priestess Pinkie??

[Garrus01]

Hey now, don't knock rock cakes. Dwarven cakes can keep you going for a long time. Mostly because it's amazing what you can find to eat when your only other option is the cake.