Letters from an Irritated Princess

by Tired Old Man

Bonus: Why Shooting Straight Doesn't Beat a Royal Flush

Author's Note:

Justice had the nuts to write a bonus letter before I could. I didn't see it coming until he put it right in front of my face, but when he did, I felt I had to put in my two bits too.

Strap in for the very first guest Letter, folks!

Dear Starlight Glimmer,

Twilight informs me you are to be commended for your handling of a friendship issue with one Trixie Lulamoon. Although I barely know Trixie outside of second-hand correspondence from Twilight and the recent award ceremony, from what limited exposure I have you certainly deserve some credit for not pummeling her on the spot.

Though, if the temptation arises, please do so discreetly. Reading in the newspaper about two of Equestria’s latest heroes getting into a slugfest, or gods forbid some sort of ill-fated magic duel, is not how I want to start my morning.

Granny Smith also sent me a letter about what happened today. She was quite cordial about the whole thing; I’m not too surprised as she’s seen far worse than this from, uh, personal experience. However, I’m given to understand you let your anger build up literally and simply bottled it up, also quite literally. Of course, we all know what happened next.

I would imagine that if anypony would understand the consequences of storing magical items in glass containers, it would be the mare that did it to an entire village, the Princess of Friendship and her entourage. I know that bringing up the past is not a tasteful topic, but if you refuse to learn from history, this old broken record will keep repeating herself until the world ends in a soul-crushing spacial rend of oblivion.

Twilight has quite the vivid imagination. Don't tell her I told you that, because she'll tell me not to tell you things behind her back about things she told me about you behind your back.

Speaking of her, if you’re worried about me letting Twilight in on what happened, don’t worry. It sounds like you and Trixie managed to patch things up between you and any property damage caused by this little incident. The fact that what transpired arrived to me via a letter from Granny Smith and not a damage report from the mayor is a testament to the fact that you managed to correct your mistake before any lasting or costly damage was caused.

Though I still have a couple pieces of advice.

1. Old Saddle Arabian Lamps make for very eye-catching and attractive receptacles to store magic, emotions, or the odd summoned creature. They’re great ways to start conversations and can quickly turn a dull and dreary affair into something much more lively.

2. If you find you can’t express your anger right then and there for whatever reason, may I suggest writing it down? Perhaps into a letter to send to whoever the — pardon my language here — peeving perpetrator? Even writing your feelings down in a journal, sending them to a pen pal, or a journal that serves as a two-way communication device with a pen pal is a good idea here.

Best of luck to you in your newly graduated state and being close friends with Trixie.

You’re going to need it.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Now the, where did that cute little Flush get to? Oh… There she… he…? Is! Oh! And you’ve made a little half-cocker spaniel, half-tea kettle friend!

… SUNNY!!!! GET IN HERE THIS INSTANT AND EXPLAIN YOURSELF!

Okay, I understand your excitement about wanting your own cute, twisted crime against nature as a pet, but having a half-tea kettle dog is a lot of responsibility! You’ll have to clean up after her… him…

Ninander? That’s a strange name, but ‘her’ I guess…

Anyhow, you’ll need to take Nina for walks. Change her bag daily. Tell her my name is not ‘Edward’ and most importantly, get her out of here! It’s tiring shouting over her whistling and she’s already steaming up the room!

Oh, my apologies. I was sure that creature was made by you. I suppose I should have considered Moony’s temperament as well… Wait… “THAT ONE IS MOONY’S”?! How many adorable abominations did you two make and out of what?!

…Oh my gosh! They’re soaking everything, but those teacup puppies are just absolutely ador— SUNNY! FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE, IF YOU’RE GOING TO CREATE PETS OUT OF DOGS AND INANIMATE OBJECTS, PICK SMALL BREEDS AND SMALL OBJECTS! I AM NOT CLEANING UP THAT SMOKING LUMP THAT’S ON MY BED! Now please clean that up before your Stove-Mastiff burns down any more furniture.

Comments

[Boulder]

Wait til she sees the St Bernard Boiler....or the Great Dane Range!

[FanOfMostEverything]

Very nice, and a lovely way to connect the episodes.

[Justice3442]

8108940

... I'm a little miffed that I didn't think of those when I wrote most of this.

[Tatsurou]

Stove-Mastiff...that's hilarious.

[KTPony]

stove mastiff

[Ororon35]

8108983 Maybe give a nod to it in a future story?

[Zubric]

8109020 I more ment why it a commonly used joke in the fandom about Applejack and pears..I really don't get it.

[BlueYoshi]

Looks like Celestia's got a hoof full of tasks to carry out in order to make sure that Sunny and Moony's new pets don't start causing a bunch of ruckus.

[Boulder]

8109058 I think it's something to do withis from mlpfanart.wkia

Applebucking Thighs
A fan-given term for art that depicts Applejack as having a pronounced pear body type with wide and very muscular hips and thighs as a result of her "applebucking" harvesting method. Although primarily found in humanized/anthropomorphized works, several pieces of pony fan art have depicted her this way as well.

So other than an opposition to apples, she thinks her figure is a little too shapely?
On the flip side Hasbro is going to play it up this season.
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/001/223/931/bb6.png

[reader238]

s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/2a/98/4b/2a984bb5f9a396b4e0a98ef4a39a132f.jpg

[OminousBrony]

I am going to hell for this but...
Cat goes Meow, Mouse goes Squeak, Bird Goes Tweet. Dog goes Ed...ward.

[Tchernobog]

Tell her my name is not ‘Edward’

[Nikita]

They eat sugar cubes and poop bisquits.

[Osiris Grandeur]

N-ninander...
That was cruel... That was just cruel...

Poor Nina and Alexander... May you forever rest in eternal happiness...

[Eroraf86]

I will not kill the author for making a Nina joke, I will not kill the author for making a Nina joke, it's a DICK MOVE to kill the author for making a Nina joke! Ahem... That joke was bad and you should feel bad.

[The Shadow]

8824977

*Hands you a massive sword*

Go right ahead. No court in the world would convict you if you did. Plus, I’ll be joining you for the carnage that is about to ensue.

*Pulls out a massive gun*

COME HERE, TOM!!!!

[Dinodude88]

8828209
*readying Boulder Breaker.* I don't even watch Fullmetal Alchemist and I'm pissed!