Letters from an Irritated Princess

by Tired Old Man

Return Postage on Harmony, Part 1

My faithful student,

I need you and your friends to come to Canterlot. NOW.

You know that statue I mentioned earlier, the one Luna and I specifically avoided hitting with stones? Well, Luna kinda sorta had an awful experience for her first night court. Ten drunks in a row, every one of them slurring in speech. Four left their mark on the carpet before passing out, and now the room reeks of rotten apples, bile, and urine.

Dissatisfied her first night court tended to nothing but boorish drunkards, Luna cast stones out from her balcony at the statues again. The warning must have slipped her mind, for she confided to me that one such stone beaned the forbidden statue in the back of the head.

Luckily, the statue hadn't broken. Talk about a break that didn't break anything, and as long as nothing happened near it that was chaotic in any way, it would stay normal.

And then the field trip from Ponyville came in the following morning. This spelt immediate disaster on all fronts, and one that Luna and I hoped to contain as soon as we found out the statue was missing after a fight had broken out near it.

Assuming the cotton candy chocolate clouds are already out at Ponyville, we clearly failed. One's hanging over my head right now, staining my mane into the color palette of a fruit salad that sat in a dumpster for a week. Philomena is now this terrifying black monkey-bird hybrid that's been screaming "BANANA" at the top of her lungs for the past twenty minutes and--I DON'T HAVE ANY BANANAS! Take this peach turnover and just stay quiet for five minutes! FIVE!

...this is just a taste of the creature that was just released, Twilight, and the only way to stop him is with the Elements of Harmony. My sister and I would love to use them, but thanks to their transformation into obnoxious jewelry that only fits on smaller ponies, we can't wear them. If push comes to shove, we'd have to dangle them off our horns in order to don them, and knowing this creature, he'd ask us what carnival we came from before trying to score more rings on us.

So make haste for Canterlot, Twilight. I will explain in further detail how I'm a prissy pissant princess with the charming appearance of burnt toast and the vernacular of a dictionary in a blender--

DISCOOORD!

Love,

Princess Malaria

Comments

[Billblok]

I love how you made it so the reason they weren't bound to the elements anymore was because they couldn't be worn.

[drwhoovescompanion]

Princess malaria HA

[FurryBrony]

Um, normally I'd say that's reasonable, but Princess Twilight Sparkle proved that the jewels could be removed from the necklaces and crown.

[FurryBrony]

5638465 Nope. In the episode, you see Twilight specifically remove the gems, spin them around herself so fast they form a rainbow, and then, after she's caught, put them in the tree.

[WorldWalker128]

I DON'T HAVE ANY BANANAS!

The princess has no bananas?! What heresy is this?!

[BlueYoshi]

That ending was hilarious!

[Alex Warlorn]

This is like how in the Pony POV Series, Discord drove Celestia insane, but Luna faked insanity long enough to send the letters and Twilight just thought they were from Celestia?

[PoptartKitten]

When I got to "DISCOOORD!" my mind immediately went to song lyrics.

Curse you Living Tombstone!!

[rexis12]

5638843 Chef Griffon wasn't exactly all that swell to be around. He was flaunting around like a some sort of lion-eagle hybrid.
He also didn't have much claims to eat the other ponies food they baked for the fair, as well as Matilda and Joe. So those three did technically steal from eachother.
Also in the episode where Gild's is introduced, Gilda and RD fly around for like a few minutes before Pinkie comes barging in with 'Hey Dash, you've enough time with that friend of yours. So let's ditch her to play some pranks' basically

Note: That last part is an exaggeration, don't take it to seriously.

[RazDelacroix]

Monkey-bird problems? There is a simple answer to that one. Do not throw bananas, throw melons. Monkey-birds love melons! A friendly pirate from dark waters told me!

[Tired Old Man]

5638409

"In our defense, we didn't know that at the time. Luna and I figured the gems grew a bit of self-consciousness about their appearance and decided to be properly used in the form of tasteful jewelry for small ponies.

Besides, why would we ruin perfectly good necklaces and a crown like that by yanking out their gems like Bits-for-Gold peddlers? We're not that heartless to our own regalia, and neither was Discord when he stole and hid the Elements.

...huh, even Discord has standards for treating jewelry right. Who knew?"

~Celestia

[Aguion12 - GotA]

5638715 LOL me too

[Maxes Altho]

5639009 Actually, it was originally skipped. I helped remind the author he needed to put that letter in. Look at the publish dates for "Suited for Success" and "Feeling Pinkie Keen"

[TheArchive]

5638932

That really doesn't excuse anything. Saying someone would do something doesn't excuse them when they actually do it. Pinkie never even tried explaining anything. Twilight, knowing about how it's best not to question Pinkie when she gets like that, didn't think to ask her.

No sane person would blame Twilight for not listening to Pinkie when Pinkie never said anything. That's pretty much what Celestia did, and that's what bothered me.

5639093

I don't know, the way it was worded (both in that chapter and when she brought it up again in a later chapter) made it sound like she was blaming Rarity. Basically saying, "If you hadn't gone and gotten yourself kidnapped, then I wouldn't have to deal with this crap." But, let's assume she wasn't actually blaming Rarity. In that case, that still doesn't make it right for her to say stuff like that. When talking about a victim of kidnapping, you don't say idiotic nonsense about how much of a burden they are for being kidnapped, you do the sensible thing and ask how they are doing. And why shouldn't Rarity take their stuff? Heck, they deserve it for what they were doing.

[MustacheMerlin]

Discord is awesome. If his jokes weren't so cruel, he'd probably be my favorite character!

[Knightmare Neko]

5639254 Reasonable response to getting kidnapped?
Mug the kidnappers.

Jaywalkers get kneecapped, and we lite arsonists on fire.

[FlameSwordedLink]

Why do I find it funny that Celestia actually could be the princess of malaria?

[Assasin_Asha]

5638715

Curse you Living Tombstone!!

Eurobeat Brony. Eurobeat Brony! Tombstone only remixed the original song, made by Eurobeat Brony!
How in the wide world there are so many people convinced it's been created by Tombstone, I can't fathom, considering the first line of the description has a link to the original...

I'm sorry for that outburst, Tired Old Man(now that sentence just sounds odd). I just can't stand people misattributing credit.

As for the story, it's great. It's what I wanted Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student to be. Instead, it was just a cuss-and-sex-jokes fest. Same for their Celestia's responses.

Keep up the good work!

[Tired Old Man]

5639928

Eh, no need for apologies. Upon making this chapter, I had a friend warn me that people might start singing the lyrics at that specific line in the comments. Kinda surprised at the restraint shown in just mentioning the song going off in their head, all things considered.

...wouldn't have minded lyrics, but that's just me...

[PoptartKitten]

5639928 I know Living Tombstone didn't make it but his version is the one I heard first. I tried to listen to the original but I didn't like it. Take your assumptions and go away.

[AortaHeartless]

5638715 I'm so glad I'm not the only one.

[Assasin_Asha]

5639990
Well...
I'm not a fan of puppeteers...

5640047
Then good for you for knowing that. However, it's still spreading the misconception that Tombstone is the creator. And I will always remind everyone of it. I've had enough encounters with people calling Eurobeat a thief to not tolerate it.

[New Dawn]

5640348 But I have a nagging fear... that someone else is pulling at the strings....

[PoptartKitten]

5640348 K

[MustacheMerlin]

5639593 Whoever said the universe was expanding? It could just be that everything in our very limited view of it is being shoved away from some point, like when you drop a pebble into a pond and it creates ripples. From the perspective of a water molecule everything is expanding, but in reality its just moving a little.

[Altered Giratina]

5641177 Something terrible is going down...

[Terra Tithorea]

5642131
Through the entire town. Wreaking anarchy and all that it brings.

[Altered Giratina]

5642147 I can't sit idly, no I can't sit at all...

[Terra Tithorea]

5642149
I curse the name, the one behind it alllllllll...

[Altered Giratina]

5642153 DDDIIISSSCCCOOORRRDDD!!!!!

[1toothkiller]

I,m howling at the moon and sleeping in the afternoon

[New Dawn]

5642245
5642172 DISCORD!

btw it's In the middle of a summer afternoon,.

[Alicorn Activist]

5639593 Actually, we don't know if the universe is finite or infinite, or if it is expanding. What we do know is that space is expanding (as in the distance between objects). On the local level, gravity is enough to keep everything together, but on the large scale, space is expanding at more than the speed of light, making observation beyond this point practically impossible. Given enough time, we might see some of that stuff beyond that point, but not for now. Veritasium has a very interesting video on the topic that explains it better than I could: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XBr4GkRnY04

[ActionPony]

If push comes to shove, we'd have to dangle them off our horns in order to don them, and knowing this creature, he'd ask us what carnival we came from before trying to score more rings on us.

To be fair, I'd be right beside him doing the same thing.

[DJPurple3]

5642272 ... Might as well, eh?
...
WHAT EVER DID WE DO TO MAKE YOU TAKE OUR WORLD AWAY?!?!?!

[The Cynical Brony]

Sifting through lyric comments,
I think I've read them all!
I curse the name, the one behind it all,

DISCOOORD!

[Pinklestia]

5685757

Yes!

[INACTIVE_ACCOUNT]

I can't sit idly, no I can't move at all...

[VunderGuy]

5642560

"Actually, we don't know if the universe is finite or infinite, or if it is expanding. What we do know is that space is expanding."

Wow. You've obviously read 1984, have you, because if you had, you'd recognize what you said for the DoubleThink it is.

Question: since the Universe is sorta, kinda, I don't know... DEFINED BY SPACE... how the hell can you sit there and say, without brain damage or some serious indoctrination, that the universe could be either or... when space is obviously finite since, by definition, only finite things are capable of expansion or contraction and by your own admission, space is expanding?

Your statement makes about as much sense as, 'Oh, we can't tell the weight of that car over there or if it even has weight at all, we can only tell the weight of all the materials that make up and define the car.'

Seriously, how do you function and think you can get away with making statements like that? All you need is a basic, grade school level understanding of the rules of logic to poke more holes in what you said than London once the Hadji's get their demographic victory there.

[Valikdu]

DISCOOORD!

I'm howling at the moon
And sleeping in the middle of a summer afternoon

[GoldenCyclone4]

5668866 Discord, are we your prey alone?

[Short Stories]

5996841
Love that song. :3

[Sailorleo]

5827393

There are finite geometric objects that are still infinite in some respects (a simple sphere or torus is a demonstration of one such construct), and similarly there are infinite objects that are still describably finite.

It is also absolutely false to say an infinite set or object cannot be expanded. There are many very simple demonstrations that prove they can.

Mathematics and geometry are frequently at odds with what people insist reality is.

[SpiritOfDancingFlames]

5940417
I was a few seconds from doing just that

[Scottish Fox]

5996841 Or are we just a stepping-stone for taking back the throne?

[CactiKannonKIA]

7548249 micy speems?

[Aqua Drops]

5638715 great minds think alike.

DISCOOOOOORD IM HWOLING AT THE MOON!

[Aqua Drops]

7548249 DISCOOOOOOOORD WE WONT TAKE IT ANY MORE!!!

That's what I told my sister. When she wouldn't stop singing this.

[Paxwing]

7876655 You should tell her to TAKE HER TYRANNY AWAAAAAAYY!!!

[st6nbones]

IM FINE WITH CHANGING STATUS QUO
BUT NOT IN LETTING GO
NOW THAT THE WORLDS BEING TORN APART8094350