Letters from an Irritated Princess

by Tired Old Man

Maud Pies: They're Better Than Eating Dirt

Pinkamena Diabeetus Pie,

I am very thankful for this gift of yours. Although, I feel the need to ask a small question:

What in gods' names am I supposed to do with half a ton of rock candy necklaces?

Yes, I know I've eaten sweets in large amounts like this before, but that ended with my massive tower buckling over from the sheer weight of Luna's and my fat arses. I do NOT plan on repeating this again, no matter how tantalizingly sweet these piles smell. Although they do smell just so, SO delicious, and I'm nursing a small piece in the corner of my mouth, that does not mean I'll eat my way through all of it.

Luna, similarly, has sworn off such gorging for fear of wrecking her own tower, and I don't blame her. She did take a large sack full of them, but that's all... or was it two sacks? Maybe it was two. And a mouthful that gave me the impression she is part-chipmunk--okay, she'll probably come back for more.

Most of my guards might be able to make another small dent in this, but that would hardly matter in the long run if they balloon and can't fit in their armor again. And I can't donate the remains to the nobles again--after the first sweets overload they've taken to fad dieting, and this donation would absolutely meet resistance at every turn. I'd maybe get a few secret guilt-eaters, but it wouldn't be enough.

So, regretfully, I'd like to ask if you want some of this back. Do note that this candy won't be going in the trash if you refuse--I'll just figure out how to regift this candy some other way after taking a share that I know I can eat without having my castle reek of a candy playground. Please respond as soon as you can.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Hello, Luna. How was your afternoon stroll down in Canterlot?

You visited Twilight’s parents? Interesting, and how did that--

Oh, you… didn’t have much in common with them. I see. Well, worry not, dear sister. This isn’t a bad thing at all.

Well, friendship with family relatives of friends you know isn’t a mandatory thing. That’s not to say you shouldn’t try and seek common ground if it’s possible, but if your only common ground is a pony you both know well, that’s not quite enough justification to seek full-on friendship. If that was all I needed, I’d be friends with every single noble pony in Canterlot, and we both know that’s not the case.

Therefore, such a situation merits acquaintanceship at best, and acknowledgement at minimum. Respect them and who they are to your friend, and that’s all you really need to do to keep relations with them at an amicable level.

Great, I’m happy you learned something from this! Now then, have you scoped out that rock candy pile enough? I’m about to head down for some more.

Wait, you let your DRAGONS see the pile? Are you out of your mind?! Rock candy is more than just rocks! It's sugar!

FLAMMABLE sugar!

No, Luna. This kind of fire is different. We need to hurry! If Pinkie catches a whiff of burnt sugar coming from Canterlot right now…

Yeah, now you get it! MOVE!

Comments

[Sh4dowWalker96]

*sniff sniff* What is that smell? Wait a minute... *looks at Canterlot* THEY'RE BURNING THE CANDY!

Seriously amazing work. I always look forward to more.

[silvadel]

Eh the dragons would horde all the candy and grow into big greedy dragons... I guess that would be worse... hmm...

[FanOfMostEverything]

I say donate the pile to the Crystal Empire. I'm sure some of it is construction-grade.

[MythrilMoth]

My Maud Pie had a rock in it...

[silvadel]

5973555

Breathing burning rock candy vapors often has the side effect of spontaneous conversion to her cult.

All hail she who smiles.

[Seether00]

Burn all the candy!

[MeadowRosePony]

hahaha Too Funny

[MidnightFMare]

5973604 I hail the one who is the moon

and that would caramelize the whole castle with baked on sugar... yum

[Hillbe]

Hot sugar and a blast of air from dragon wings = A cotton candy castle!

[silvadel]

5973869

Uhoh -- if the hobos find out that Canterlot is a big rock candy mountain -- they will be inundated.

[JediWaffles]

What in gods' name

if there is several, it would be "the gods' names" if there is one, it needs a name. Or leave as is. I don't matter. Just ask MythrilMoth about me. I don't matter.

And you can give the candy to the guards for when they need emergency calories. And the rest to the crystal empire for building.

Just give them to Twilight for when she accidentally blasts a hole in her castle. She can rebuild with that stuff.

[twad]

5973869

This how you summon (or release, it isnt clear) the Elder form of Pinkie Pie.

Cotton candy is her place of power, where reality is folded and molded at her will. This is why she can manifest these powers at a lesser degree at all times; her mane and tail are but a small part of her true manifestation. She also limit herself this way by her own initiative, to keep things "interesting" (her own words).

[Pinklestia]

5973555

Summon Pinkiezilla!

[BlueYoshi]

If you burn candies, then Pinkie Pie will send herself and her cult after you. And once they find you, there's no escape.

Anyways, that was a nice little chapter to read.

[Mister E]

Oh my. Best hope those dragons don't mess with the 'Rock' or Pinkie will lay the smackdown on their candied a**'s

[ChronoMitsurugi]

5974633
The most electrifying pony is the history of entertainment.

If you SMELL!
What the ROCK. IS. COOKIN!

[Konami]

5973190 THE DREAD PIRATE HOOFBEARD HAS COME FOR YOUR CUUUUTIE MAAAARK

...Okay, I think we've probably derailed this far enough.

[Jphyper]

5975009 Right. I'd better beat it before they call the brute squad.

[Neutrinos are Magic]

And that's how Caramelot was made.

[Dark Star2014]

5985073 I think you just made a new Monty Python parody.

[spagooleynoodley]

5975987 but I am the brute squad...

[The Shadow]

7147073

Hello, my name name is Inigo Hooftoya. You killed my father. Prepare to be banished*.

*This quote was altered to keep from saying “die”, because no pony dies or is killed in MLP.