If I'm Honest, I Had an Apple Naming Relapse
Dear Applejack,
As per our legal agreement I am taking great care to not misspell or misrepresent your name. I only ask you turn a blind eye to the emphasis around 'jack'. I was merely thinking of a very recent incident in which five ponies were temporarily hijacked. As all five ponies have now reported that they are safe and aren't pressing charges, I've decided to turn a blind eye to this pony kidnapping as I'm sure you'll turn a blind eye to any slight mistakes I might make writing your name.
So ApplePonyHijacker, I am given to understand Rarity asked for your help judging a fashion competition.
Kudos to you for stepping outside your comfort level. Now, I am told you initially took to this job with little enthusiasm and then perhaps a little too much enthusiasm, but it sounds like you eventually came to terms about what it means to be a good judge in this case. Honesty is a good policy, but so is tempering your message when appropriate and conferring with your colleagues before you open your mouth to stomp all over their feelings, literally destroy someone's hard work, or go on to commit crimes once, twice, or five times all for the sake of making an apology happen on your terms.
I hope you'll commit this new lesson to heart as much as I hope Ponyville kidnappings return to pre-fashion competition and pre-changeling invasion days. Hopefully you’ve come to terms with everypony having their own perspective that is different from your own and being able to at least tolerate that. On that note, I seriously hope you can help me with a little issue that's come across my desk. While this is certainly a civil matter well within Mayor Mare’s authority to handle, she’s far too busy trying to quell the concerned townsfolk over a serial kidnapper that steals away ponies in broad daylight and has temporarily asked for my assistance during this time.
Anyway, it seems somepony keeps throwing apples at the home of a certain pegasus named Strawberry Sunrise. I understand she also lives in Ponyville and have deduced that the apples must be coming from your own orchard. It is my hope you can identify and put a stop to this culprit who is clearly wasting apples. Perhaps you can share this newfound wisdom you've discovered with them rather than force my hooves on this matter. AppleforGodsSakeStopThrowingApplesOrI'llHaveToSendYouToTheDungeonForALongTimeJack, I leave this matter in your capable hooves.
Totally Not Threatening One Million Years Dungeon,
Princess Celestia
~~~
Dear Rarity,
I’m not entirely sure what demonic entity possessed you to place Applejack as a fashion judge. Or in the case of this “inspired” decision actually being yours, then I have no clue what could inspire you to invite a mare that legitimately chose galoshes to go with her gala dress on her first formal outing.
It is indeed a fact that she’s honest, which is an admirable quality to have in a judge. There's even something to say about practicality having a place in the commonplace world of fashion, which is a world apart from the fashion devoted to making statements, but I'm sure you knew that. Yet it is also a fact she doesn’t like fashion. I thought you knew this—heck, this seems like something you’d directly state if prompted to, perhaps when you last hosted a fashion show in Ponyville. Granted, I heard nothing but praise about the show from Mayor Mare at the time, but I wouldn’t be surprised if there wasn’t some brain-melting stupidity prior to such success being reported. That seems to be the real trend these days.
Unfortunately, that also includes today. It’s a near-guarantee that had you not chosen AppleTheBestBookIsAnInstructionManualJack as your final judge, this entire fiasco from the botched show to a showstopping crime spree of kidnapping could have merely been a fleeting fantasy worthy of Twilight’s Worst Case Scenario Highlight Reel. Picking just about anypony else would have served as a better judge. Fluttershy actually worked for Photo Finish at your behest. Pinkie Pie and Discord play more dress-up than a filly’s doll. Rainbow Dash has even started dressing with some degree of respect as a Wonderbolt, and you can bet your curled tail Twilight would spend half the afternoon reading How to Fashion Judge for Dummies in preparation for the role. You didn’t even consider Spike as a possibility, and that dragon’s spent so much time following you around some of you HAD to have rubbed off on him by now.
...I could have word that better. Regardless, you had options that were more than capable of filling the hole in the panel of judges. Instead, you picked the mare that has twenty of the same hat in her closet from a family whose biggest fashion statement is a horse head mask. I had a better chance of being convinced this was some ill-conceived courting attempt rather than an educated decision. Had.
Does this mean you’re wholly to blame for everything that happened after this fateful selection? No, but you still carry a great deal of blame for bringing in a fashion judge that doesn’t like fashion. I don’t care if they’ve got practicality in spades; it’s a shot in the foot, a self-destructive decision akin to drinking orange juice right after brushing one’s teeth. Honestly, what were you thinking?!
There had to have been signs over the course of her short judging career that you saw. Signs glowing in bright neon colors straight out of Las Pegasus’s evening scene that AppleJackingUpTheirOutfitsLikeACombineHarvester behaved so abhorrently that it warranted a two—no, five minute side conversation telling her to calm down and stop being a belligerent arsehole. That’s all that had to be done!
Rarity, tell me with a straight face that there was no way you could have arranged that in any capacity. Can you do that? Will you dare?
Now, despite all of your lackluster attempts at damage control before everything blew up in your face, I'll make it clear that AppleToreUpMoreFabricThanARogueScissorBladeJack has certainly earned your scorn for her actions. Dealing with charged opinions like hers is no easy task, and I wholly expected some generous comeuppance on a level matching her generously offered opinions. Introducing her to a pony that doesn’t like apples and thinks they’re disgusting? Kudos to you for your clever thinking.
Now Applejack and Strawberry Sunrise are flinging more fruit at each other than a food fight at a gay bar. Mayor Mare’s nearly at her wit’s end as she’s doubled and redoubled her efforts to calm the townsfolk convincing them that they’re not being assaulted by Fruit Ninjas.
No, it’s not your fault they escalated to that—Granny Smith and I thought that something like this would happen eventually. However, if you’d be a dear and find some way to cleanly handle this messy situation that’s happening between two of your friends, I’d greatly appreciate it. I’d help in this matter, but I’m still in the middle of sorting out how much psychological damage AppleIsSoGettingSuedForThisJack caused from… well, everything she’s done thus far.
Pray I find a swift resolution. I’ll be praying you do the same.
Wishing To Mutual Success In Damage Control,
Princess Celestia
Now then, Sunny, Moony, I have a task for both of you this week. Simply put, despite your best efforts to make a kitchet pet sanctuary to contain the ever-increasing amounts of utensils, plates and cookware, the sanctuary is running out of shelf and cabinet space to hold everything together. The counters are starting to pile up with dishes, and I get the impression that if something isn't done to stem the tide, we're going to have very big kitchen sanitation problems in the coming weeks.
So as much as I hate to break this to both of you, we've reached a point where either we stop making kitchen pets, or you start finding loving homes that are willing to accept these adorably useful, if slightly bizarre creations.
I don't want you to make this decision immediately. However, I would like both of you to try and find a home for at least one pet. Take a few with you as you travel around Equestria over this week, and take this task seriously. Luna and I will hold down the castle and keep an eye on the Sanctuary while you two are out and about.
Yes, I'm certain we'll be fine. What could possibly go wrong with just the two of us handling things?
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So... what convinced her otherwise, exactly?
Also, I suspect that Fluttershy will happily take in quite a few kitchen pets. After all, with Sweet Feather Sanctuary established, her house is a perfect habitat for sentient ceramic.
I didn't even watch it so thanks for the quick synopsis Princess!
So, before I get people getting on my case for bringing back an undead horse and beating it to death with a redead horse, let me say just one thing:
My name is TOM, and I'm a recovering Appleholic.
I can’t wait for follow-up fics with Strawberry Sunrise.
8213322 Didn’t Discord already get her started with a sentient gravy boat?
I’d guess Justice wrote the second one.
8213345 My name is Briarpelt, and I’m addicted to Letters from an Irritated Princess. I don’t have a problem, and I don’t need to quit!
I’m trying to figure out what kidnapping has to do with anything here.
8213511
AJ Kidnapped the fashion designers to apologize them to get them to come back to do the show after she drove them away.
Dear Princess Celestia ,
You are quite correct that Spike does have more fashion experience then Apple Jack and you are correct that I have rubbed off on Spike and
He has rubbed off on me and there rides the painted pony,
Because of Spikes adventures I have received repeated warnings from Princess Twilight about corrupting her Assistant.
As if I can keep him away without a court order, But I digress he is good for the foals.
Can you find it in your heart to forgive Applejack? I do need her to take down the stage and lights still.
RB
Fashion Designs Inc.
Dragon LLC
Minus points for not having her call AJ "Unacceptablejack".
Noooo, I think you worded that EXACTLY how you meant it to sound, you sneaky nag.
Will we ever see an AppleHyperionCEOHandsomeJack? That would just be evil.
YOU FOOL!
Yeah, this episode made me shake my head a lot when Rarity was using Applejack (who has no experience with fashion) as a judge. The part where Rarity relieved her stress by doing an epic guitar solo was pretty amazing, though. Maybe Justice has something to say about that.
derpicdn.net/img/view/2017/6/4/1453722__safe_screencap_rarity_honest+apple_spoiler-colon-s07e09_animated_guitar_guitarity_guitar+solo_metal_metal+as+fuck_solo_tenacious+d.gif
8213957
I am rather impressed by the fact Rarity managed to get an acoustic guitar to sound like an electric that was plugged into an amp... Perhaps if this fashion stuff collapses due to another ill-thought out a selection of a guest judge she can just go on to be a magical rock-star.
... On that note, Rarity should definitely get Maud to help her judge the next fashion show.
Fucking THANK YOU. I still can’t understand how people are pinning all the blame on AJ. Rarity got exactly what she asked for. And didn’t stop it even after almost what, a dozen such instances of feedback. The destruction of the hat was too far, yes, but Rarity should’ve stopped earlier.
Should’ve known better, really.
8214268
100 times, yes! AJ could’ve used some tact, and was being overly critical. But Rarity, you tapped blunt, stubborn, honest, no-fashion-sense Applejack to judge this thing. WHAT IN THE NINE HELLS DID YOU THINK WAS GONNA HAPPEN?!
?? ‘kitchen’ or ‘Kitchet™’ as it’s a brand name.
Jinxed it!!👾←gremlin.
8213345
Well, I am actually quite pleased at the return of that joke. I think we need more letters like this, with the snarky-critical Celestia, since that growth of her advice and extent that she goes to for fixing what remains damaged by a episode’s end is what made this fic so great.
Instead, people just want more Sunny and Moony, and Celestia apologizing for everything.
Listening to this with the monotone audio feature was fun.
8213957
After seeing that clip, now I got images of Rarity covering Van Halen’s “Eruption”.
AppleJerk behavior reminds me of those self righteous people, who think they know whats best
8214112
Just remember, in Rainbow Rocks, we only ever see ONE instrument ever get plugged in, and that one time is in the OPENING CREDITS. I think it’s safe to assume that either the staff does not know how instruments work, or they just don’t give a shit at this point.
Fruit ninjas.
Wonder how long till that becomes an accepted meme.
8222590 It's no less impressive or unexpected though, to see the prim and proper fashionista to cut loose on an electric guitar. I'm starting to think Pinkie is having an effect on Rarity in particular though, what with this and the incident with the rock pouch.
8215249
To be fair, within the limits of her expertise, she does know what's best, and she admitted at the start that she wouldn't be good at fashion.
Rarity talked her into it. Applejack's stubborn pride and wish to help her friend took it from there. Absolutely predictable.
She was as much a poor choice for a fashion judge as a farm tractor would be for a limousine in Hollywood.
IKR !
I hate this episode so much. Could onljchandlecup till Thr rssou guatar thing then stopped watching
8222590
Yeah clearly they don't know how or are like " pfff kids are to stupid to know how bass works " And ten we got an amp plugged in during that womdercolt thing once frrundship games
Now that's a movie I want to see.
8222590
They studied the instruments to make sure they were synced with the BGM. Unfortunately, it still didn’t work (I counted 30 drum desnycs in that movie).
Well, Pinkie’s acoustic drums, Rarity’s electric keyboard, and Fluttershy’s percussion doesn’t need plugged in. The rest do though, and it drove me insane when I first watched it.