Letters from an Irritated Princess

by Tired Old Man

Cheesy Muenster Chronicles

My faithful student,

The letter is so cheesy I could throw it in my sandwich and mistake it for aged white cheddar. I hear the rats in the walls scurrying around, waiting until I leave the room to chew this into shreds. And Luna's at the door, mewling like a kitten somehow. She has a thing for cheese, so even she smells it coming off of this--

Luna, stop that scratching! This isn't cheese! It's Twilight's friendship report!

...well, yes, it's technically edible, but you can't eat it! These things are important! Probably!

Luna, just go to the kitchen if you want cheese that badly! Or make your moon cheese! You can do that, right? I don't care, do something besides kicking my door down!

...ahem, my apologies. Where was I?

Ah yes, seeing rainbows, future friends seeing the same thing you are. Well, yes, I'm sure on some level everypony is going to see something at one point and their future friends might also be looking at it, even if they don't know you yet. Cute conclusion, even if it's a tad lacking in scope.

Because, technically, wouldn't your enemies also see something like that too? You can't like everypony you meet, because some you'll come across just won't want to be your friend, or worse, your foe.

You'll also run out of bucks to give before you reach the hundredth "friend" you find. Trust me on that; compassion exhaustion is a thing that happens to those that spend too much time tending to the needy or being too friendly... or just being here for a long, long time. And day court multiplies that feeling of a long time passing exponentially.

Every time I hear something ridiculous in my court, the same recurring thought enters my head: "Well, now you've heard everything." No. I haven't, and they're going to prove me wrong without fail. Stupid is eternal.

You'll understand this one day, my student. You'll be in some kind of situation where you're stuck listening to dumb problems devoid of common sense. I'm not sure when, but it will happen. And when it does, you'll really know what it means to give a buck about something.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Luna, for the last time, this letter is not for eati--

That is a giant cheese wheel. I hate to ask, but where did you even get that?

You took it from the dungeon?! That's for Larry the Giant Rat! Luna, if he doesn't get that cheese, our sewer system will go to... Just take it back!

Comments

[Tennis Match Fan]

I'm going to have Mac and Cheese for dinner.

[BlueYoshi]

For some reason, I thought of this gif while reading the chapter.

i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/881/802/b34.gif

[FurryBrony]

That was good, and yet, each one of these are so in-character in hurts.

[NorrisThePony]

"Well, now you've heard everything." No. I haven't, and they're going to prove me wrong without fail. Stupid is eternal.

Princess Celestia telling it like it is.

[The dragon hunter]

And Luna's at the door, mewling like a kitten somehow. She has a thing for cheese, so even she smells it coming off of this--
Luna, stop that scratching! This isn't cheese! It's Twilight's friendship report!
...well, yes, it's technically edible, but you can't eat it! These things are important! Probably!

D'aaww, now I have this image of Luna acting like a kitty in my mind
derpicdn.net/img/view/2014/1/14/524597__safe_solo_princess+luna_animated_smile_cute_upvotes+galore_filly_bipedal_looking+at+you.gif

[Capt TeK]

5619041 So an apple and a comedian?

[poisonflame616]

Every time I hear something ridiculous in my court, the same recurring thought enters my head: "Well, now you've heard everything." No. I haven't, and they're going to prove me wrong without fail. Stupid is eternal.

what is it with comedic Fimfic writers and obliterating my sides, causing excessive laughter and making it bloody difficult to breathe due to said laughter?

[PiMan]

5619041
derpicdn.net/img/2014/3/3/565723/medium.png

[Bronzedragon]

Larry the giant rat!!! omg there go the ribs

[Tennis Match Fan]

5619165 Oh my goodness.

[clubbzz]

5619078 eye twitch

That is the most adorable thing I've seen

[PrinceCelestia]

5619165

I ship it.

[Alex Warlorn]

:-( I didn't like this one.

As one reviewer put it,

Twilight, "When I became badass, I gave up all non-badass things, including the fear of not being badass."

[MustacheMerlin]

Every time I hear something ridiculous in my court, the same recurring thought enters my head: "Well, now you've heard everything." No. I haven't, and they're going to prove me wrong without fail. Stupid is eternal.

I think Einstein once said something along the lines of: There are only two things in this world that are infinite, the universe, and human stupidity. And I'm not sure about the first one.

[Xzrea]

There are two problems in Russia: roads and idiots. And second one constantly tries to repair the first.

[Ghosted Note]

sorry, but it just didn't click with me. just struck me as 'letters from a disgruntled friendship student' only somewhat less full of bile. Celestia's constant talking down to her student just gets kinda bland and repetitive after a while. yeah. we get it. you have no respect for your personally picked student. you rehash the same joke with every letter.

[Ri2]

5619926
I don't follow.

[Chimp]

Stupid is eternal.

Truer words have never been spoken.

[Distaff Pope]

I am liking the series so far, but I feel this one kind of missed the point ever so slightly. The uniting incident wasn't just that they all saw the rainboom, but they all earned their cutie marks because of it, which is a much narrower field than just seeing the incident. I'm still loving the series, but this was just a thing that bugged me.

[Cobalt Shock]

5627448 So true

[VunderGuy]

5619999

Well yeah, anything that shows expansion like the universe, by definition, cannot be infinite.

Then again, if human stupidity can expand or detract, then by definition, it cannot be infinite either.

[Pinklestia]

5631217

Celestia is using the letters to vent.

[RandomBlank]

Eh, Celestia...
You can always restrict one.

Simply, every time your court receives a particularly stupid problem, present an even more stupid solution. One that involves completely occupying attention of these presenting the problem, and under pains of severe punishment if not implemented.

So, your complain is that rains in Baltimare washed out your fake suntan? You are hereby nominated the Honorable Royal Suntannite. The Chancelor will explain the details. Next!

Then the chancellor esplains:
- The Suntannite's task is to study of chemistry and alchemy in order to develop rain-proof suntan formula.
- The "Royal" part means you will sacrifice no less than eight hours of your time each day working on it; once developed the invention belongs to the Crown, and failure to perform your duties, slacking off, procrastination and generally doing anything less than your best, constitutes High Treason, with very severe punishments.
- And the Honorable part means you are not doing it for money or other rewards, although you will receive a special address of gratitude from the Princess once the formula is to Her satisfaction. You will also need to fund the research out of your own pocket.

This approach would vastly reduce the number of frivolous cases.

[Lycanthromancer]

5619164 Whatever you do, don't read Hail to the King, then. Oh dear god, but it's hilarious, and we don't need you breaking ribs from laughing too hard.

[Lycanthromancer]

5639593 I think that depends on your definition of "universe," actually. If you include all space in all directions and everything in it, the universe could very well be infinite. If you include only the space in which matter from the ultra-condensed "seed" which spawned the Big Bang exists, then it obviously isn't. However, there might be other seeds out there, and other clusters of matter expanding outward from seeds which have yet to germinate.

So it's up to your definition and the nature of reality itself, I guess.

[Tache]

5803008 Its also really effective at fucking everyponies lives!

[Kirishala]

5639593 Actually something that is infinite can expand, some infinities are larger than others, infinity is weird like that. For an example see Hilbert's Paradox of the Grand Hotel

[Garrus01]

This chapter has new meaning for me now that I am training to go into veterinary medicine. I was outright warned by the staff of a place I was job shadowing at about compassion exhaustion.

[Slicer Jen]

Stuck hearing dumb things devoid of common sense. Yep, what police officers deal with everyday.

[Dashie04]

5619999
I believe he did.

And I love that quote.