Dear Pinkie Pie,
Thirty eight separate background checks landed on my desk today bearing two names: yours as the inquirer signed in frosting, and the other regarding one Mudbriar “Stick in the Mud” Stickler. While I would generally throw all of these requests out on the grounds of “This is clearly stalking at this point, knock it off,” the reasoning behind these inquiries had caught my attention.
“Is he good enough for my sister? Why does she smile more around him than she has with me during our entire lives? Does he have any redeeming qualities I’m not seeing? Is he secretly a rock on the inside? Why do pinatas trigger him when it’s Maud’s birthday—not his—that he’s helping me plan for? Why is he pining for stick rights when wood is used in almost every house ever?! Is he fine with the fact that wood pulp is used in some of our processed food? How much does he dislike the phrase about sticks and stones? Is it as much as Maud dislikes that phrase? Why is he okay with wrapping a log in wrapping paper?! How can he be okay with a cardboard cutout, but not a pinata?! Is the pinata okay if I use a plastic bat? Where does this guy draw the line on what’s a problem with wood and what isn’t a problem?! How many times can you hear the word “technically” before you’re legally obligated to tie them to an anvil and throw them into the ocean? Is it ten times? What about fifteen? Why do you keep locking your bedroom and balcony doors every night? WHO IS THIS GUY?! How many inquiries can you take in one day for one guy? Is it thirty six? How about thirty seven? Is thirty eight your magic number?”
I’d keep going, but there’s more than enough for me to unpack from this bundle of questions as is. Most notably, Maud has a boyfriend, she likes him, and you don’t know how to react to this. He’s supposedly more annoying than you through sheer nitpicking and bizarre double-standards, which is admittedly a problem he might have around others. Er, with the nitpicking, not the double standards. Finally, I should still keep locking my doors every night.
Look, whatever your problem is with this guy, it can be set aside. For now. What’s important at the moment is that he’s making your sister happy, and until you get a feel for this Mudbriar fellow and how he ticks on the inside, keep this nonsensical hysteria far away from both of them.
However, if a few months down the line he begins to tick off other ponies you know and love with his attitude and outright excessive use of the word “technically”, then you have something you can bring up with Maud in that you and the others aren’t seeing what she sees in him. Is it enough to cease the relationship on its own? No, but it is worth bringing up to see if he can make a noticeable effort to be more sociable around others besides his girlfriend.
Or maybe they’ll be happy as cave hermits! It’s hard to judge that as odd when we have a neighbor living in a dimension that constantly bends the rules of the universe.
Until then, just wait and see. I’m certain over time his true colors, inner beauty, deeply rooted intentions will reveal themselves… assuming they exist, of course.
No, that doesn’t mean you should be hovering over both of them while they sleep. Boundaries, Pinkie. Respect them.
Please Respect My Boundaries Too,
Princess Celestia
Luna, I have a question. How would you deal with a letter of courtship?
Well, I’m asking because I’ve been getting some requests, and I’ve started taking interest in them. However, for some reason, I never seem to find them at their chosen meeting spot at the designated time! A-Am I that intimidating for actually taking up their offers, or... or...
Luna, why are you sweating bullets over this? I’m the one that should be worried, not you!
What do you mean you “checked them out” prior and “they weren’t good enough”?! I’m sorry, I thought I was the one getting these responses. Shouldn’t it be my prerogative to determine that?! How would you feel if I pre-screened your suitors’ courtship attempts?
...None? You haven’t received any after all this time? HOW?!
Nevermind, new game plan: I get to make you available for the dating market.
Oh no, no running away, dear sister! We go to my vanity NOW.
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I legit squee'd.
That is the best possible last name for Mudbriar. Headcanon immediately accepted.
But yeah, when your sister can access any dreaming mind, she's going to be a bit bothersome when you're trying to play the field... up until you find out. I do not feel bad for Luna. This is textbook karma.
Ah, an over-protective Luna and a Celestia trying to set up Luna for a date. Chaos shall ensue.
First in line at the market right here.
Yeah, her advice makes sense. She really ought to give it time for her to figure it out instead of rushing to judgement.
8840158
SECOND!
I had the same thought.
Mudbriar has the worst case of "well actually" syndrome I've ever seen. And using the word "technically" instead of "well actually" is even worse because, well actually Mudbriar, "technically" doesn't mean what you think it means.
I dunno about stalking or spying on other ponies, but I do know that Pinkie does have standards when it comes to pulling pranks on ponies. She will prank anyone except Fluttershy.
8845440
You're welcome!
8841149
It's worse due to the fact that he has "Hollywood Autism" (how Hollywood people think Autism works), and is a flanderization of all of Maud's worst character traits. And as a person with Autism, I find him highly offensive.
That and he's the only person to ever make me cringe, and feel self conscious about using certain words that I normally use. Seriously, they could have gone in any direction, but chose to make the one character with fewer redeeming qualities than Blue Blood, and less of a personality than Flash Sentry.
8841149
Well, now I’m scared to check out the episode. I haven’t seen it yet but just hearing about it makes me cringe. That and I also have a little bit of autism. He looked here but still
8869079
I object. Flash is a guard. Therefore, he has at least one character trait that doesn't make his face punchable.
8869079
Ditto on all counts!
Even the having Autism one!