Dear Pinkie Pie,
Thirty eight separate background checks landed on my desk today bearing two names: yours as the inquirer signed in frosting, and the other regarding one Mudbriar “Stick in the Mud” Stickler. While I would generally throw all of these requests out on the grounds of “This is clearly stalking at this point, knock it off,” the reasoning behind these inquiries had caught my attention.
“Is he good enough for my sister? Why does she smile more around him than she has with me during our entire lives? Does he have any redeeming qualities I’m not seeing? Is he secretly a rock on the inside? Why do pinatas trigger him when it’s Maud’s birthday—not his—that he’s helping me plan for? Why is he pining for stick rights when wood is used in almost every house ever?! Is he fine with the fact that wood pulp is used in some of our processed food? How much does he dislike the phrase about sticks and stones? Is it as much as Maud dislikes that phrase? Why is he okay with wrapping a log in wrapping paper?! How can he be okay with a cardboard cutout, but not a pinata?! Is the pinata okay if I use a plastic bat? Where does this guy draw the line on what’s a problem with wood and what isn’t a problem?! How many times can you hear the word “technically” before you’re legally obligated to tie them to an anvil and throw them into the ocean? Is it ten times? What about fifteen? Why do you keep locking your bedroom and balcony doors every night? WHO IS THIS GUY?! How many inquiries can you take in one day for one guy? Is it thirty six? How about thirty seven? Is thirty eight your magic number?”
I’d keep going, but there’s more than enough for me to unpack from this bundle of questions as is. Most notably, Maud has a boyfriend, she likes him, and you don’t know how to react to this. He’s supposedly more annoying than you through sheer nitpicking and bizarre double-standards, which is admittedly a problem he might have around others. Er, with the nitpicking, not the double standards. Finally, I should still keep locking my doors every night.
Look, whatever your problem is with this guy, it can be set aside. For now. What’s important at the moment is that he’s making your sister happy, and until you get a feel for this Mudbriar fellow and how he ticks on the inside, keep this nonsensical hysteria far away from both of them.
However, if a few months down the line he begins to tick off other ponies you know and love with his attitude and outright excessive use of the word “technically”, then you have something you can bring up with Maud in that you and the others aren’t seeing what she sees in him. Is it enough to cease the relationship on its own? No, but it is worth bringing up to see if he can make a noticeable effort to be more sociable around others besides his girlfriend.
Or maybe they’ll be happy as cave hermits! It’s hard to judge that as odd when we have a neighbor living in a dimension that constantly bends the rules of the universe.
Until then, just wait and see. I’m certain over time his true colors, inner beauty, deeply rooted intentions will reveal themselves… assuming they exist, of course.
No, that doesn’t mean you should be hovering over both of them while they sleep. Boundaries, Pinkie. Respect them.
Please Respect My Boundaries Too,
Princess Celestia
Luna, I have a question. How would you deal with a letter of courtship?
Well, I’m asking because I’ve been getting some requests, and I’ve started taking interest in them. However, for some reason, I never seem to find them at their chosen meeting spot at the designated time! A-Am I that intimidating for actually taking up their offers, or... or...
Luna, why are you sweating bullets over this? I’m the one that should be worried, not you!
What do you mean you “checked them out” prior and “they weren’t good enough”?! I’m sorry, I thought I was the one getting these responses. Shouldn’t it be my prerogative to determine that?! How would you feel if I pre-screened your suitors’ courtship attempts?
...None? You haven’t received any after all this time? HOW?!
Nevermind, new game plan: I get to make you available for the dating market.
Oh no, no running away, dear sister! We go to my vanity NOW.