• Member Since 26th Nov, 2011
  • offline last seen May 15th

Noir de Plume

~"If you want it to make sense, YOU say it."~


Noticing her Princess' plight, the kitchen mare helpfully offers some of Luna's "special brew" to jumpstart Celestia's day. Chaos ensues when an overly percolated princess can't handle her caffeine!

(Rated "Teen" for the single use of one naughty word.)

Daybreak's story is told here in Sometimes It Takes a Double Shot!

(Many thanks to CaptainBron3y for this live reading!)

Don't miss the unofficial sequel "A Princess Needs her Coffee", a lovely story by my wonderful friend Broman.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 236 )
Sean66067 #1 · Apr 8th, 2015 · · 101 ·

Uhhh no just no.

OH MY GOSH! That is just great! I knew that Luna had a need for caffeine, but that is just BRUTAL! OH man, the gossip will fly at this one! Good humorous fic indeed. And I can also relate.

10/10, would read again.

:twilightoops:Girls, get the elements! Discord lost it again!

And that cover art, it's perfect!

Well that was fun. :pinkiehappy:

There was no gentle warming of the sky, no faint pinks and tender blues, just the harsh, clinical "Wake up, fuckers!" of sudden daylight.
This line absolutely made the story for me. Beautiful.

Wake up, fuckers

"Oh Luna!" Celestia gushed. "Why, I'm going through my appointments! I don't know why I never thought of this before! Day night day night day night and they aren't here and I can cancel them and free up my schedule for more important things!"


I laughed so hard at this. Wow I enjoyed every second. haha Reversed eclipse haha! good work!

Quite a sugar crash. Those things have a ton of calories

5837829 Indeed. But that wasn't nearly enough caffeine to provoke that response.

"...venti quad shot mocha red eye espresso frappa drinkies. With whipped cream."
"And Sprinkles."

That ABSOLUTELY MUST be started by besieging the coffee machine with a can of Mountain Dew Livewire and Bold Dark Roast. The drip spigot must run back into the reservoir. Run the can through until the return comes out as black as the back corner of your closet at 2AM. Use to brew aforequoted beverage. Stir carefully before adding whipped cream and sprinkles (use a wooden stir rod). Repeat brewing process until it eats the stir rod. Top with whipped cream, sprinkles, and Cayenne pepper (or pain inducing spice of your choice).
Place atop desk. Do not drink until the whipped cream has fully melted.

Warning: Your eyes may bleed. This is not normal. If bleeding eyes occur, stop drinking Dew-Brew Latte immediately and see a doctor about starting your new, lower caffeine diet. Nosebleeds are ok. That just means your sinuses are working perfectly to filter out the pain.

"Wake up, fuckers!"

I,, I just died laughing at this one line.

Also giggled throughout the whole thing. This was gold.

:pinkiehappy:I think this was just what I needed, considering the state of the royal household in your main continuity, and also finishing up a long day of travel which involved reading about another Equestrian civil war.

This made my night! Koodos on the story because I thought it was hilarious! :rainbowlaugh:

Hmm, this gives me an idea for one of my stories that are currently in production. Noir! You have inspired me! :pinkiehappy:

It wasn't bad, but it wasn't good, either. There were a few high points, but nothing that really made this story stand out.

The coverart is, like, my favorite part of the story.

5837783 I'm so sorry you didn't enjoy the story. Would you care to send me a PM and let me know specifically why?

5837792 Thank you so kindly! :raritywink:

5837829 I will admit to giggling hysterically while writing that AND every time I had to read it whilst editing.

5837826 I know, right?!

5837882 OMIGOSHOMIGOSHOMIGOSH no one's ever made me a MEME before!! :raritystarry:

5837894 I think that's my favorite scene. :raritywink:

5837944 Good thing alicorns seem to have advanced metabolisms.

5837998 You always say the nicest things. :heart:

5838119 I needed it, too. Sometimes a little silliness makes all the difference.

5838148 Oh, I'm so glad! :raritywink:

5838632 Yep. Exactly!

You sir, have made my day and given me a reason not to drink coffee in the morning (Especially when I'm writing)

5839184 **curtsies** I'm a mare. :raritywink: And you're welcome.

Nice hints from the comic with her "I Hate Mondays" coffee cup, m'dear.

Thank you kind author, for this greatest of tales in comedy.:moustache: T'was quite enjoyable.

5839189 Oh... I apologize. I mean Miss

5839252 Thank YOU for reading!!

5839293 Quite alright my dear!

5839308 heh... Mistakes happen!

You are quite welcome, Lady Plume.:twilightsmile:

Read this after I just woke up. Very relatable indeed:raritywink:. Of course it would be quite the coincidence if it was Monday today:rainbowlaugh:.

5839216 According to Reflections; Starswirl brought coffee from a dimension where Sombra was a good guy. The cup, if I'm not mistaken, was first seen in the comic The Day Shift.

Okay, this one honestly made me laugh. It is a amazing what the terrors wonders caffeine can do. Just imagine how Discord would react to a caffeine high? THAT would be truly terrifying.

I greatly enjoyed this little story, the cover art was an excellent choice.

5839359 My dear sir, are you trying to inspire me to another fic? :raritywink:

5839362 If one does happen to be inspired, I am grateful to know that I helped in such a way.

Especially if it brings chaos, that is just the cream with the brew. :pinkiehappy:

Comment posted by The Lunar Rebel deleted Apr 8th, 2015

"I am a Princess, it goes how I say," she countered, hopping off the throne and fluttering her wings. "Archinald, how many weeks did I get through in just this hour?"

"Six, my Princess," the adviser replied meekly. Luna pressed her hoof to her forehead. Celestia beamed.


First there's one Celestia-story featured. Then another comes along. Now you kick yours into the feature-box and the first one isn't even gone yet. Of all the stories possible, with all the protagonists possible, we get a 1/3 Celestia-ruled feature-box this week, counting the fourth side-character Celestia as 0.33.

Praise the sun!

I admit myself defeated and will read these now. [Still no Luna emote]

Awesome, my god this is perfect! it's almost like 'The Reason Luna isn't Allowed Coffee' and that makes it even more sweet!

Comment posted by Tetrominon deleted Apr 8th, 2015

Ok so that was not a dislike, i'm sorry if it was taken that way it's just the thought of seeing a hyperactive god kinda scares me I liked the story didn't feel comfortable with reading about a Celestia that can't deal with super coffee.

Now just for laughs and giggles. Lets give Pinkie about a tablespoon full of that stuff and tell her that Chrysalis is feeling a little down. End of problems with Changelings. Loved this. It shall be placed in a folder with “ A Mug of Hard Cider” and “Drop of Moonshine” ( both by Pen Stroke)


And for some strange reason, caffeine makes me sleepy. :pinkiecrazy:

5839503 Yeah, same for my sister. One full cup and the harlot's out for at least 8 hrs

Also, So much for the fun having been doubled! We're talking at least triple if not moreespresso

This..... There are just no words to describe how glorious this fic is... So I leave you with this pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw11118_small.jpg

Celestia must have low iron levels in her blood. I recommend red meat. Preferably the imported, unintelligent kind the griffons eat. A good breakfast of steak and eggs and a reasonable amount of caffeine and she'll be able to blitz through the day without having to blitz through a quarter.

Funny little short, quite amusing. Celestia needs her own blend so she won't attempt to violate the calender again but can stay awake. :raritywink:

Well, that was a fun romp. Of course, Celestia's going to need to apologize to Discord. I can only imagine how Ponyville was reacting to this particular incident.

Discord rolls on the sky in laughter at this


Starbuck(ers) coffeeis nasty. Totally unfit for the royal palates.

Unfit for a diamond dog's palate, as a matter of fact.

Celestia in hyper mode?
Very amusing.:rainbowlaugh:
Have a follow, mate.:eeyup:

To say I enjoyed this story would be .... inaccurate...

I freaking loved it.

As a coffee addict seeing someone who is not used to caffeine (esp at my dosage) go on a bender is very funny. and then the crash... oh the sweet crash... and the use of permanent marker....

Comment posted by TrackingTarget deleted Apr 8th, 2015

I appreciate the thought, everypony, but people are entitled to their opinions, and as this is a feel good comedy, let us not taint the vibe with vehement comments. :heart:

Oh, yes. Military grade coffee, that's the ticket.

But Luna needs to have a care with her sister -- even the best decaf has some small amount of caffeine. It's the nature of things.

Equestria looked forward to the raising of the sun. Every morning, they felt the warm bright rays of their loving leader caress their faces, waking them naturally in their beds, telling them it was time to awaken, time to rise, time to begin their days and work toward the betterment of ponykind. It was a magical, special experience, enabling each and everypony to feel connected to the Sun Sister on an individual level.
The sun shot up so quickly every rooster in Equestria was caught off guard. There was no gentle warming of the sky, no faint pinks and tender blues, just the harsh, clinical "Wake up, fuckers!" of sudden daylight.

Time to imagine the first line in Morgan Freeman's or Fred Rogers' voice,then the next line in the voice of a rockstar.

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