• Member Since 21st May, 2013
  • offline last seen 22 minutes ago

Samey90


"I'm starting to believe you don't have a heart." – some author, after a review of his fic.


T
Source

For many years, citizens of Equestria have lived in peace and happiness, protected by the princesses and the bearers of Elements of Harmony; but soon, everything will change. This time there are no villains or unspeakable dangers; there's just war, hate, and ponies giving and taking lives. From the streets of Detrot to the Royal Palace in Canterlot, each pony will rise up against his fellow pony, and one of them will not rise up to see another day.

Also has a spin-off, called The Nest

Warning: Beware of spoilers in the comments! The story contains swearing and gore.

Now with a TVTropes page!

Credits:
Preread by TheSheepMaster, guy12389 and The11thWonder
Proofread by Vrilix and Tired Old Man.
Edited by Xephos and Time Paradox
Cover image by vovab. Used with permission.

Edit 4.03.2014: New version of the first chapter, fixed pacing and OOCness.

Chapters (29)
Comments ( 176 )

Hm... well, I'd like to say that you seem to have made up an interesting world here. at least for the first half of the chapter... Unfortunately your writing is riddled with problems that keep it from being fully enjoyable. I'll start with the most significant and work my way down...

First and foremost, your characterization here is almost unbearable. none of the characters seem to act realistically to the situations presented to them. This was more prominent towards the latter half of the story, but it's still a big issue. all the mane six seem like basic caricatures of themselves (Rainbow is brash and headstrong, fluttershy is a shy passafist, Applejack talks with an accent, etc.), but the worst seems to be Twilight. seriously, what is up with Twilight!? it's like she's TRYING to start a war! she's jumping to conclusions, being irrational, and just not being Twilight.

Second of all, your punctuation is off. You have the basics down, but there's a ton of distracting instances where you throw in commas that shouldn't be there, or you misuse semicolons and colons.
Last of all, your pacing. Your pacing is a bit too fast, and you leave no room for imagery or beautiful writing. The worst part about your pacing though is your scene transitions. every "***" in this fic represents a jarring, unexpected transition to a new scene with no easing in or out.

Overall, This fic was interesting and not in any way irredeemable... keep trying, you'll get it all down eventually!

rating: :coolphoto:

You committed 1 of the 7 mortal sins of writing MLP fanfiction! :fluttershysad: follow the above advice to resolve the issue.

This comment is brought to you courtesy of my Weekly Watch! This is my third week so I'm still working on the feature, but if you're interested in supporting me (or you just want to read the best of what I've read every week) then go ahead and join my group! I'd appreciate the tartarus out of it! :pinkiehappy:

Well... I'm officially a freaking terrible editor...

3536478
Don't worry, it's high time to stalk editor's group anyway :raritywink:

3532844
Well, my idea for Twilight at the beginning of the story was to make her naively hope that magic is the cause of Luna's behaviour. I guess the problem is more about believable execution of it?
Hmm, next chapters (I guess checking the pacing and slowing them down will be the first thing I'll do while writing today) almost don't use *** kind of transition. Maybe my subconsciousness tries to tell me something...

I'm going to venture Celestia turned over the moon to her sister, hence the reason she can't move it anymore.

Interesting, I'll read this in a moment. :twilightsmile:

Ah very nice. I still have to wonder though, what exactly is Luna's reason for setting up another war?

3594629
Feeling that her sister became too dependent of nobles, doesn't care about the common ponies, and the riots in Cloudsdale (there'll be more detailed description of them later) shown that Celestia completely lost control and it's time to restore the balance of the Force take over the reins before something worse happens.
At least that's the official reason.

Not Fluttershy!!

I wonder if Luna would approve of the killing of foals.

fluttershy is gone? :fluttercry::fluttercry:

scoots is dead?:applecry::applecry:

:fluttershbad::fluttershbad::fluttershbad::fluttershbad::fluttershbad::fluttershbad::fluttershbad:

3642871
I don't think so, both Luna and Celestia have good intentions (the ones road to hell is paved with).

3643388
Don't lose hope... :scootangel:

Would you mind if I gave this a little read and review? You've been a reader and commenter of mine for a while, and this story hasn't received much attention, so I'd like to see if I could do anything for you.

3694676
Of course :twilightsmile: It's still just a beginning, but I'm very interested in your opinion :pinkiehappy:

I read this thing in one hit, and man, did things escalate quickly!

3806505
And it doesn't stop here...

Thanks for the fav and the watch, btw :pinkiehappy:

Well sweet damn candy canes Batman... That escalated quickly... :rainbowderp:... Nicely done... keep it up...

I give you a 5 Derpys out of 5 Derpys...

:derpytongue2::derpytongue2::derpytongue2::derpytongue2::derpytongue2:

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand Duck Face :duck:

3846756 No prob :twilightsmile:... or is it :pinkiecrazy: DUN DUN DUN!!!

Hey dude nice story so far.

"He lives in a fucking palace while we break our balls to earn a few bits!"

In most stories I've read they usually use pony slang such as buck instead of fuck because you know it's ponies, just an opinion and i still like the story.

While reading this chapter I had only one thought in my mind. that one thought, Holy shit this is horrible!.:fluttershysad: I said it openly about 5 times to myself.

3847007
At first it was a mix of pony slang and normal swears, but later I changed it. Actually, there's one "bucking" left, just because it formed an alliteration :pinkiehappy:

Also, thanks for opinion :heart:

Okay, maybe some people are put off by the crudeness of various characters in this story (cough Vinyl cough) but I swear, this is written so smoothly. It's criminally underrated. Forget actual comedies - many of the remarks made in this story have made me guffaw like a loon already. I do hope the entire story's like this; it's like a perfect hybrid of cynical wackiness, if that makes any sense.

e.g. It touches on realistic aspects of a sudden outbreak of war with Vinyl's incarceration... and yet provides some real entertainment with her insistence on throwing every damn thing out the window and penchant for "Arson, Murder and Jaywalking" spiels. "Unfucked" and "using the chair leg" indeed.:rainbowlaugh:

3920422
Well, my approach to writing is that even though the story is a tragedy, there should be some funny/heartwarming moments, or the tragedy gets boring (hmm, there's even a fragment in one of the future chapters that, read without the context, sounds like a romance...)

3920480

The trope we're talking about here would be Darkness Induced Audience Apathy.

... Which I can safely say there is no trace of in this story. So far you've tugged at my heartstrings big time.

SweetieCop is born...:trollestia:

3950549
Yeah :pinkiecrazy: You may guess what happens when she considers someone a threat for the ponykind...

You released another chapter, damn :facehoof:... and I was going to write a review... well maybe next week you'll get my review for your, story after a finish the chapters... 3 more to go... :pinkiecrazy:

The Monty Python reference.... too much! :rainbowlaugh:

In all honesty, you've piqued my attention. I do love a good bit of political turmoil. When I get more free time to read the other chapters, I'll give you more feedback. :pinkiehappy:

Fellclaw

These are the kind of stories that remind me why I follow people. I haven't been this hooked on a story since Fallout Equestria: Viva Las Pegasus . You my friend have got yourself not only a follower, but a fan. :heart:

This is pretty good so far, but its really heavy on those who on the solar side, hope to see some more on those who fight in the lunar side. Also having Twilight in a way spark the fire of war was kind of cool.

4038990
Thanks :pinkiehappy: I know this feeling - I was similarly hooked on Fallout: Equestria. Generally, I love dark/adventure fics - As Twilight Falls, Upheaval...

4039058
There'll be more of the lunar side later - most prominently Vinyl and... well, let's say that there are not only Celestia's followers in Cloudsdale...

Comment posted by Sledge115 deleted Mar 19th, 2014

Why am I not at all surprised to see the batponies speaking German...?

4118361
Hmm, as far as I know, I'm the only person to write them that way (actually, I use either German or Welsh names for them, making them two separate tribes). It started with my older story and a bat pony character called Schwalbe ("swallow", though, as a WWII planes geek, I named her after Me-262 Schwalbe rather than the bird).

I never meant to depict them as Nazis, though when it comes to weapons, I draw inspiration from both world wars, mostly writing with the image of German or Russian equipment in mind (i.e. autocannons are based on Oerlikons and submachine guns are basically PPSh-41s. One of the exceptions is Flitter's Pancor Jackhammer, which is actually the only weapon mentioned by name so far).

I noticed all of the weapons and a lot of the bat ponies are speaking german? And don't say it isn't german, I know what german looks like.

4213519
Yeah, they speak German - at first I used it to come up with the names (along with Welsh), then I decided to go with it. In my headcanon there are two tribes of them, one speaks Welsh and the other speaks German.

I mostly based anti-aircraft weapons on Oerlikon and Bofors cannons, though smaller guns are mostly of Russian origin (for example submachine guns are based on PPSh-41 and assault rifles on AK-47). My idea was that an average pony in Equestria knows little to nothing about guns. Thus, their army needs guns that are reliable and don't need much maintenance. Unless you're Flitter, she's a shotgun freak...

4213633 My story Ace Combat: Divided Feelings also has something simular to this. Want to check it out?

So, I read this story and... you have my full attention.
Yeah, it was a bit rushed in the first chapters but overall it is a very good fanfic.
I wait for more and for now I give you thumb up and fav.

4378923
Thanks :twilightsmile: I think next chapter should appear soon – definitely no more 4 month breaks between the updates...

Also, I'm currently writing a side story...

I'd been meaning to check out more of your stories for a few weeks or so, since I so enjoyed what I'd read so far. I'm not sure why I put off reading this for so long. The few dark war fics I've read weren't exactly great, and that may have something to do with it. This one is not among the bad ones, though.

Anyway, this whole conflict is insane. Nopony knows what they're doing, there doesn't seem to be a clear reason for war in the first place (because you'd better have a damn good reason for going to war), neither side in the conflict is likable (so far), friendships are falling apart, ponies are going nuts... and I love it. Seriously, the sheer madness and senselessness that populates this story is what strikes me the most, and it's perfect, because that's what war is. War is madness, chaos, death, suffering, confusion, and irrationality. In other words, it's Hell, and this story really captures that. The economic turmoil that leads up to it gives me a nice sense of the current climate, too. The references were also pretty great, and the details really appealed to the side of me that loves military hardware.

Nice work, man. This is definitely something I need to keep an eye on. In fact, you may have just inspired me to work on a project I left in the dust a long time ago.

4472966
Well, I myself rarely read warfics. Many of them are just gun porn for the sake of it, but that's not the biggest problem for me. What puts me off the story is usually their division into good guys and bad guys. Good guys are always right and morally pure, while the bad guys are shown as being beyond redemption (that was kinda an inspiration for what Nurse Redheart says in chapter 8 about propaganda movies...). I prefer to write morally ambiguous characters, good guys who do bad things, or bad guy who do good things.
There's a great fic which was my inspiration for that "gray and grey morality" – 'As Twilight Falls' by Mikemarksman (who's far greater writer than me). Of both sides of the conflict in it, none is really right, both do bad things – sometimes really bad – and that's what makes the whole story one of the best I've read on this site.
Also, I love technical details – historical planes are my hobby, so it's natural that the story, at least at the beginning, focuses much on the pegasi.

4476642
Exactly, man. In reality, there's rarely a clear-cut "good" and "bad." People are people. Every side has their reasons for fighting and thinks that they themselves are the good guys. This story, so far, is doing well to show that neither side is particularly great. It's not black and white, but shades of gray. I'm also beginning to wonder if something is wrong with the princesses. I can't tell if Luna is a monster (what with her dream invasion effectively making her a terrorist) or if she knows something nopony else does. It would seem to be far more complex than just the good guys fighting the bad guys, which is great. And yeah, I really liked the Redheart scene because it put a spotlight on that issue.
I like technical details, as long as they aren't distracting. So far, they haven't distracted me in this story. Then again, I'm into that sort of stuff.

In regards to the author's notes; something smells in Ponyville!

4499203
It's probably the smell of napalm in the morning...

4500058 Know what that smells like? It smells like victory.:pinkiecrazy:

(I feel bad now...considering bad things are going to happen...):unsuresweetie:

4500060
Oh yeah... The next couple of chapters consist of blood, battles and backstories, with a healthy dose of feels and Vinyl Scratch...

I don't know why I haven't thought about this until now, but...

Hot Blood is a dick. Oh, sweet! I never see Black Marble in anything around here! Let's see what....
Oh.... Oh dear.
Well, shit.

4662350
Yeah... I decided to search through the list of ponies and he looked fitting.
Also, "well, shit" is a very good summary...

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