• Member Since 9th Jan, 2013
  • offline last seen Feb 27th, 2019

Mikemarksman


Short bio? Male, British, 20 years old, BSc (Hons) Psychology student. Current objective is to finish my fic so that I can begin writing the sequel. Probably within the next 40 years, at this rate. :P

Comments ( 567 )

Can't wait for next chapter :pinkiehappy:

Constructive Criticism, ENGAGE!
First things first: INDENT!
Also, it went pretty fast, too fast.
But, it was good in the sense that It was interesting, but I found it hard to read because of a lot of the typos and grammar issues. Ask someone to be your proof-reader, or editor, and it should be good.

Upvoted!

1952945 Thanks, and yeah I did rush it a tad. I didn't want to dwell on the happier aspects of the story for too long. Thought it might get boring to read. I have a full plan for what happens after this chapter though, so hopefully the quality will improve. :D

1952962
I know what its like for idiots to down-vote your story based on the first chapter (which is kind of hypocritical, is you ask me, I mean, they are bronies after all) and I see potential in this story. Mostly because I love tragedies and grimdarks :pinkiecrazy:

Interesting start. Could use work on formatting though (needs paragraph indentation). It's good:pinkiehappy:

Thanks for the constructive feedback guys. This is my first time writing a fanfic ever, never mind a FiMfic, its encouraging to know that it's not just being put down straight away :twilightblush: . Will sort out any spelling mistakes and indent the paragraphs after I've finished chapter 2. Peace! :moustache:

Just a reminder for you guys that all information about the story is posted on my profile if you'd like to see what's coming next and the progress I'm making.

Good story line so far. A bit slow in the beginning but that is to be expected when setting up the story. Just keep up the tempo and the dark\grim theme for twilight. This is a story worth following. One last thing, in the other chapter, luna yells to celestia that "Twilight has awoken chaos magic!", but that is a bit hard to read. Only problem I have so far. Good job and keep the chapters coming please!

2075251 Thanks for the feedback, it's great to hear that you're enjoying the story! :twilightsmile: As for that line, I may go back and change it slightly after I finish the next chapter, thanks for pointing that out :). As for the grimdark, don't worry, there'll be plenty I assure you, but I have to do a lot of character building first, otherwise it will just be completely out of place, I promise when it gets here it'll be good :scootangel: . Thanks again for the feedback, have a good one!

Chapter VII is almost complete, but I will be delayed a little this week, our science ISA's are all this week to I gotta prepare :raritydespair:

New Chapter! This was a good chapter overall but hard to follow in some places, such as the cloud joke or when there is a 'wall of text' when the story returns to present day. I do have to say that the scars of losing a loved one never heals, but only fades to a certain point. The only major emotional part was when she told discord about Spike. Watching spike die would induce horrible nightmares and isolation, good job there, but also a huge feeling of despair and agony. Even months after Spikes death, with Twilight's isolation, she would start having mental breakdowns and start behaving irrationally. Twilight is presented as a strong character, so she most likely would not go insane, but she would have a 'berserk button/Breakdown Button' about Spike. Hope to see a dark and grim future! Good job and keep it up.

2158121 Thanks for the feedback! I might remove the cloud 'joke', it doesn't really fit the mood. The wall of text I can't really do too much about I'm sorry to say :raritydespair:. There will be a few parts of the story where I have to go into a lot of detail, because it will be either that or spread it out across flashbacks which ruin the continuity a little IMO. As for that button, it is SO gonna be pushed soon, can't say much more, but it's devilish! :twilightsheepish:

2158273
Yay for buttons! But in all seriousness, I can't wait to see how this story progresses. I like the style of your writing a lot and you have a great storyline going on.
1) Good point; a lot of flashbacks are bad for a story. Try to find a change in ideas or an area where the info comes to a pause to make a new paragraph without changing anything.
2) I love the DARK! I have read a lot of dark stories, fanfic or not, and I can see the darkness building up, it is just subtle. But isn't that what darkness does?
Thanks for writing!

Oh my... I think Twilight needs Rarity's fainting couch for what is about to go down.

Good chapter overall, and the plot has been (sort of) revealed! So Celestia/Luna would have killed Spike anyway if he lived and the only reason calamity was in ponyville was because Celestia didn't have a shield over it or purposefully left no shield around ponyville. Good points for Twilight to get angry at but they can be easily argued against as an accident and the only choice, respectively. I think one more secret is in order, sonething about Celestia wanting calamity to come or she wanted spike to diefor some reason, something like that. Twilight can still freak out but she would be put down or improsoned instantly by Celestia if she tried to attack her in any way (Celestia basically killed spike, so she would have no qualms to either restrain or kill (maybe not kill, but at least injure) twilight if she had to). Gotta have an ancient blood ritual/alicorn transformation/artifact of power come into play. Also remember that Twilight can now argue that she can use forbidden magic since Celestia used it in the first place, and the student follows the teacher. Good work so far and THIS STORY IS AWESOME!! Sorry, had to get that out.

2171686 Once again you impress me :D There are a few things that are even deeper though (Which I'll probably reveal in the next chapter). Can't say too much without ruining it, but the next chapter will be where the REAL questions come into play. :trixieshiftleft:

Comment posted by cpl_scipio deleted Nov 25th, 2013

2171979
Okay! My concerns have been put to rest. As long as sonething deeper comes into play to ruin everything (In a good, story fullfilling way), and you do not try and use a weak evil as a cause for greater evil, everything looks good (and an evil good too). Can't wait to read the next chapter and see what you come up with. DESTROY THE WORLD WITH YOUR WRITING!!! Just some encouragement.

keep it coming man! loving every bit of the story! :rainbowlaugh:

Unfortunately I have to revise for a french test in two weeks so chapter production is likely to be at a crawl until that point. Just giving you guys a heads up.

Dude this story has me I'm hooked keep up the great work

Hi again! Alright, the story continues to progress at a good pace and is full of anger. But the only problem that I have is that Twilight actually breaks too easily when Luna goes to see her. Anger can get the ball rolling, but hatred can last forever and it has an extreme amount of power. If Twilight truly HATED celestia then Luna would not have been able to get through to her. The saving grace is that Twilight realized she cannot go against Luna or Celestia without help and could just have put a dam in front of the raging river, and it will eventually boil over. Another criticism I can give is that Twilight goes off with the intent to murder Celestia, as in plan it out, without the immense hatred I mentioned before. That hatred is the only thing in my opinion that can sustain Twilight's plan for murder. Anger is the inferno, quick and strong, but hatred is the embers, burning on and on. (Sorry about all the metaphors but they sound so cool!) The last thing is too introduce more spacing either between the words or every time someone talks. If you need an example, go look at Fallout Equestria: Murky Number Seven, a story which uses spacing perfectly, in my own opinion.
Now it's time for praise! This story is still in my top 25 stories on here, which is outstanding, considering how much I read. The story line is progressing fairly well with a good source of conflict. Characters are all believable and well written. Looking forward to more bad-ass Twilight, because awesome magical power + an analytical mind = Death and Destruction, which was clearly shown. Kudos to you! Keep Writing!

2328768 Thanks so much for the detailed feedback *squee* I'm aiming to give Twilight's character more depth in later chapters, but the next few chapters will be focusing more on the others from the mane six. As per Twilight's 'mission' I need to get into their heads, so the next chapter might be a little while in the making (2-3 weeks). Might take your advice and try to spread out the speaking more, as it does look cluttered atm, I'll check out the FE fic after I've posted this. Thanks for being constructive, and I can't even begin to tell you how much I appreciate my first fic being in someones top list! :rainbowkiss:

2376184 Are you dissappoint? Or is it just the feels?

2376300 :D And there are more to come! Fortunately we'll be hitting a turning point soon, I'm running out of ways to describe crying -______-'

At some point you may want to go back and reread this and make it more up to par with the lessons you learned (I'm assuming you've learned some, but if you haven't I read enough that I could tell you what could be better-fast paces, meme over usage, awkward points for reading and some of the more obvious grammar mistakes- if you wanted:pinkiehappy:)
Normally I wouldn't make this type of suggestion, but your first chapter is the hooker and if you suddenly get an influx of readers it would be good for you to get your chapters upgraded:twilightsmile: and who knows this might get front page oneday
Supreme Dictator Pleaseworkforonce out

Im proud to say you did learn those lessons I mentioned earlier good job!
but you still should dedicate some time to fixing up the first few chapters they will turn away the nicpicky readers (like more than me)

2382435 Thanks for the feedback :) I'm going to revise all the earlier chapters after I've finished the most recent one, so that should be by the end of next week. And yeah, I do feel that my writing has improved as the story has progressed, so I think you're right about lernaing lessons and stuff.

Everytime I always miss a new update by a day! Kind of angry at myself for that.
Anyway, this chapter definitely shows the aspect of hatred I was referring to earlier. Twilight now can, believably, hate Celestia and want to destroy her life. My favorite part was Luna's mind deteriorating from Twilight's dreams. Either Luna will go insane or she won't protect Twilight anymore, both of which are dark and evil, which I love. Good writing overall for this chapter too and I feel as if your dialogue writing skills have improved.
THE NEW FORMAT IS SO MUCH BETTER!! Now, in my opinion, the story has a lot better flow and I can now easily connect events together whenever the scene changes.
Great job and keep it up!

2384470 As always, your feedback is very much appreciated :twilightsmile: In all honesty I like the new style better too, the old style was difficult to write and didn't really make it all that clear who was speaking now that I'm re-reading it. I'm planning on editing ALL of my previous chapters into this format, so after Truth and Tribulations (Part Two), so there may be a few days where I get no writing done. I'm also planning on marginally changing chapters 1 through 4 for a better intro, but the details will be small and will have no impact on the story, so nobody will have to re-read it if they don't want to. Just thought I'd let you (and the rest of these guys) know :moustache: Thanks very much for suggesting I change the style, once again your feedback brings me happiness :D

This is an awesome story. And I love it. And I demand more.

There's just one thing.
BREAK UP YOUR PARAGRAPHS!!!! THEY ARE TOO FREAKING LONG!!!!

2386239 Hehe, funny you should mention that, I'm going through all the chapters and doing it right now :) And I shall do my utmost to meet your demands for more, my leige :moustache:

Ok, finished some major editing to the earlier chapters. Terminated a lot of spelling errors with extreme prejudice (though please point them out if you find any, they are good at hiding from my backspace of death, and I shall reward you mightily). ALL paragraphs now follow the same, more spaced out layout, after several requests. Have to say even I agree that it looks better, so thanks all. Mike out.

Accidentally saved the wrong file and deleted about a quarter of the work I've done on the chapter that's in progress. I've rewritten most of it from memory, but needless to say I'll need to check it more thoroughy for errors now, so chapter may be a little late. Also FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!! :raritydespair:

Well i just got finished reading every chapter in one go, and i must say this story has me transfixed to an extreme extent. I absolutely adore your story and can't wait to read more. :twilightsmile:

2398193 Thanks so much :twilightblush: I'm glad to hear it! Just a heads up though, I'm five weeks from my final GCSE exams so after Truth and Tribulations (Part Two) there probably won't be any updates until after I've finished. Fortunately I'll have 10 weeks off afterwards to make up for it.

2400100 Understood, real life always comes first, take your time.

2392639
Under Windows (Vista, 7, 8) there's this nifty feature called Previous Versions :v
Just right click a file you may have fucked up, go to Properties, and select the Previous Versions tab of the Properties window.
It relies on System protection, so yeah, backup often :3

2420528 :D thanks for the tip, shame I've already re-wrote it, but still I have no doubt I'll do something similarly stupid soon enough, so thanks :twilightsmile:

It's fine we'll whine and complain two minutes, firget about the story, then go OMG IT UPDATED THIS CALLS FOR A PARTY
also I rather enjoy longer chapters but I only read when i have 30 mins + so that may be why

I was hoping Discy could at least put a leash on Pinkamena. What good is the ability to have curse-free foals if you are almost gone? Even with it being in her cells, he could always change the expression of the cells in question to put a monkey-wrench into Pinkamena and at least grant Pinkie more time.

Oh my sweet [insert preferred god] shits going down!

just found this story earlier today, and i am LOVING IT!

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