• Member Since 26th Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen Jan 2nd, 2015

Opalina Cecile


E

When Cheerilee puts adventurous Scootaloo with fraidy-pony Twist, shy Sweetie Belle with outspoken Silver Spoon, and complete opposites Apple Bloom and Diamond Tiara, the Crusaders don't think it could get any worse. But while working on the project, the pairs get stuck in a snowstorm.
It's not the sleepover they want.
However, they might end up with a whole new perspective on their opposites.

Chapters (4)
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Comments ( 53 )

definitely want to see where this one is going to go

"Sir! A rogue Wall of Text has been sighted! What are your orders?"
"Abort mission! Abort mission! Get us out of here!"

Put a space in between every paragraph, like so:

"Mith Cheerilee? I have a quethion," asked Twist, waving her hoof in the air. Scootaloo had to blink to keep from rolling her eyes at her annoying lisp. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon didn't bother trying to hold it in, as usual.

"Be nice. She cahn't help it," hissed Apple Bloom. Scootaloo sighed. Ever since Twist wouldn't do the zipline on the class trip, the sweet-toothed pony had been irking the pegasus with every breath she took.

Wall of text is a bad thing, people tend to leave as soon as they see it. I'm interested in where this is going, liked and fav'd.

1986249 1987686
Alright, your prayers have been answered.

Mmm... I'm feeling a bit torn on this one... It's got a good enough story to it, but a few things irk me. Scootaloo's spontaneous first person break comes right after a third person segment, with absolutely nothing to differentiate the two. Scootaloo's thoughts should be culled together, italicized, and put in quotation marks.

Next, Twist. She's done just right, but not one lisping person I've ever met has pronounced "choose" as "csthoothe."

Lastly, two sentences aren't spaced; a period connects them, and Scootaloo's thoughts are grammatically incorrect. A missing period, and a malapropism of "seen" to "seem."

I'd like to see where this goes, but it needs a good polishing.

1989793
Oh God....
I think I got most of that. I'll work on that soon.
I apologize, I'm hardwired to POV's and i decided to do this is third person... sorry.... :twilightsheepish:
Thank you for being picky :) You sound like me with food.

1992032 Pickiness is a good thing; it shows what needs correction. Once this story is up and running, it oughta be pretty popular. Keeping everything grammatically spick and span will just net more readers.

ooh, some originality with Scoots, I like I like. Most people would just make her an orphan, so props!

Prepare for a hell of a comment. :applejackunsure:

Might I recommend employing an editor? I love the idea to bits, but the execution would turn others away.

The Apple Sisters: Southern accents such as theirs are nigh impossible to transcribe, but the "ah" sound would be reserved for words with a long I sound, e.g, I, my, sly, etc.

Diamond Tiara: Mostly correct, but Peeves' opening line should have a question mark, if he's asking how her day was.

Sweetie Belle: Rarity's somewhat out of character. A lady's diction would be flawless, with no "gonna"s lying about. Particularly egregious to myself is the line, "So how you gonna deal with that?" Please repeat it in your head in Rarity's voice.

Additionally, for Sweetie Belle's segment, this line: "Just a project. Speaking of projects, I'll need some knitting needle and some wool. Of lots on colors. And my partner is coming on Wednesday." Needle should be pluralized, and the third sentence should be reformed and attached to the second sentence, for example,

"Speaking of projects, I'll need some knitting needles and some yarn in lots of colours before Wednesday. That's when my partner and I are gonna start."

It is now more proper and childlike.

Silver Spoon: Crikey. The first section has a grammatically incorrect "to" which should be a "too." The swapping between standard past tense and the occasional present tense is jarring. The section explaining the Ivoire store is unnecessary. The section

"I'm coming in Spring Break and forcing you to buy a dress and pick colors. And bridesmaids and the bridemaid dress. And who's your mare of honor? You're so behind and the wedding is in-"

is mostly correct, but the second sentence should be reformed and added to the first.

Twist: Cute and in character, with no flaws aside from brevity.

Scootaloo: Instead of "which" it should read "who" near the opening, and the word "buy" is misspelled, along with "months." The word "way" is missing as well, in the line that has the misspelled "months."
"Thanks dad." is missing a comma. The line about Scootaloo praying not to get agitated should read "wouldn't" rather than "didn't." The numeral 3 should be spelled out.

And that's everything I could find. I do hope this massive balloon of text isn't too infuriating, and that I don't come off as being overly critical. I may be Reichmarschal of the Grammar Nazis, but I still don't like being thought of as pedantic. Oh, sweet irony~ If you wish me to stop these oversized criticisms, just ask. :twilightsmile:

1995843
Agh.
The only awkward thing with that comment is that if were a Nazi, I'd be laser zapped by now. Y'see, I'm Jewish.
I'll try my best to edit.....
Oh, and the reason Peeves didn't have a question mark is because he said it in the butler-y way that makes every question sound like a statement.

1997395 That's alright, Grammar Nazis attack grammar, syntax, and spelling errors, not people. :twilightsmile:
Please do; I adore this story and would love to see it in absolute grammatical perfection.
I could hear it in my head, but regardless, it is an interrogative line, and would require a question mark. Eh, you're the writer, do as you please.

1999485 Blimey, that was a quick response. I shall gladly run through it as soon as I post this comment.

1999494
I live on this thing. And I edited it after you posted your hell of a comment.

Yes. It is indeed better. :yay:

I have a feeling Diamond and Apple Bloom will get an F- :rainbowlaugh:! Well, the chapter may be short but it was good nonetheless.

Er, did you mean me, by the grammar nazi line?

I don't think Cheerilee would ever say "guys". Other than that it was pretty good, and let me guess, Scootaloo lives with Cthulu doesn't she?

So, no Cthulu. A three months sober guy is close enough, right? Right?

Perhaps they can all combine their projects. I think a cup made of mirrors, filled with hot chocolate, and held in a wool cozy is a pleasant idea. Or not. Continue with your daily business.

2015108
Yes.
Did you not find any problems this time?

2017435 I did, but I wanted to make sure I wasn't overstepping my authority, or doing someone else's job for them. Now, I shall reread and review, if that works for you.

Official, apparently, review:

Straight off the bat, we have the "Let's start" line. This would be included only in a first-person story, or a piece of journalism not bound by the AP-Style code. It would be best to cut the line and replace it with something like: "SS & SB" in italics. Or like so:

Silver Spoon and Sweetie Belle
Silver's first line should be lead in with ellipses, to denote that she said something earlier before the reader could hear her.
Next section, Sweetie Belle's being adorable. This doesn't belong in a proper review, but the way you write for her is too cute not to mention.
Silver Spoon's italicized thoughts should have something denoting that they're her thoughts. Without a lead-in, the logical assumption is that they're Sweetie's.
The capitalized shouting should be brought back down to lowercase, excluding the beginning capital. Further on, the numeral 8 should be spelled out. As a rule, any number of at least three syllables or more is given a numeral, any less is spelled out.
Sweetie says "they" instead of "the" before breaking Silver's thoughts, which shouldn't have as many capitals, but instead, bold the capitalized parts for increased effect. And "Yoo hoo" should be hyphenated as "Yoo-hoo."
The "Let's" again, but I don't particularly mind.

Twist and Scootaloo
That capitalization in "SOMETHING" should become italicization, and again later on.
"Itself" should be put after "suspended."
You accidentally misspelled Scootaloo's name as Scootallo.
The closer for those two should lose the lines,

Seems they were fortunate.

Let's see the last pair... (this should be good.)

and instead, maybe put something about waiting for the bell to ring, or some other transition.
Twist's lisp was spot-on; you improve at an incredible rate. :twilightsmile:

Apple Bloom and Diamond Tiara

Reduce the capitalization on "HERSELF."
The "ah"s in this case should just be "a"s when Apple Bloom says it in a case not meaning "I."
The line "It was small, yet ornate" is somewhat confusing. In the previous line, you introduced her mane as a primary subject; thus, when she looks in the mirror, it is her mane that is small and ornate. Just put in a mention that it's the mirror you're writing about, like so:

"Pretty much." Diamond Tiara produced a small, ornate mirror and began grooming her mane. Apple Bloom could see a small sticker of Sapphire Shores on the back of the mirror's protective casing.

or something like that.

As I said, you seem to improve by leaps when I do these little reviews. I can see a point where I become redundant up ahead. :pinkiesmile:

2017617
God.
I'll... um.... fix it sometime.........
WAIT WHAT WHY IS IT ALMOST 10 O'CLOCK.

2017717 For the same reason it's near midnight over here.

Eh, anytime you have the time is good.

At that Scootaloo part, my head exploded from having a canon shot at it. Very good!

I'm enjoying this heaps so far! Keep going! :pinkiesmile:

I am most interested in how the Diamond Bloom will go. Continue onward my good author.

Yeah you can kind of tell that you are more partial towards sweetie belle and silver spoon but either way it is a good story so yeah can't wait to see how this progresses. :twilightsmile:

I want moar, oh so very much moar. :fluttercry:

I really like this! However, I noticed the tense changing several times; you might want to fix that. Still, though, it's really good so far! :pinkiesmile:

If it's alright, I'll put this in the Diamond Cutters group. This is amazing. 0 dislikes!

2738312
Yeah, go ahead. I'll try to update soon! :twilightsmile:

2747104 I just learned you have to add it yourself :fluttershysad:

Sunglasses not much use in winter? I can tell you've never visited us in the state of Colorado. :coolphoto:

Edit: Finished all four chapters. Please continue. :twilightsmile:

Is this story abandoned? Because I really want to see more of it!

good so far, please update soon.

3342922 I actually have cousins in Colorado but that piece of logic slipped younger me's mind, but i guess I'll have to go with it :derpytongue2:

3344020 I may have forgotten this site existed for a while but I will try my hardest to update ASAP! :pinkiehappy:

2431796 Agreed. A good idea for a story, but the shifts between past- and present-tense are rather distracting.

"Just so you know, I'm definitely not fine with this either."

"I don't blame you."

More silence. Those were the only words they dared to speak in the burning silence.

okay I really hate when writers do this. Just like the opening lines of the story I don't know who said what here. All I know is this was AB and DT's conversation.

then later you went for several lines of dialogue between these two without identifying the speaker, leaving it up to the reader to discern who spoke last and therefore who is responding on the current line they are reading.

Again hard to keep up with who is speaking.:facehoof:
Otherwise I'm liking it so far. Especially how Silver and Sweetie are getting along.:pinkiehappy::unsuresweetie:

Looking forward to more.:pinkiehappy:

Sir Author, you said sunglasses are not useful in winter. Have you ever tried driving without them in winter? Sunrise and sunset reflecting off snow and ice can be murderous. And when you are far enough north (or south) to get snow the sunrise/set lasts much longer than lower latitudes, and even longer then that in winter. So yes, sunglasses are useful in winter, but not for fashion.:twistnerd:

Again, an original Scootaloo scene. Not the miserable parents, not the orphanage, and not the less common but still done living with foster mother Cheerilee. I like the set-up but it's going to be a hell of a short story right?

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