• Member Since 25th Nov, 2011
  • offline last seen Dec 27th, 2018

Noir de Plume


~"If you want it to make sense, YOU say it."~

Sequels1

E
Source

In the aftermath of the battle of the Royal Wedding, the Changeling Queen is weakened, beaten, and alone, left to weigh the choices of her past against the decisions of her future.

(Continues in "I Think, Therefore...")

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 41 )

An absolutely beautiful and heartwarming story good job. :twilightsmile:

Again you did a nice job on executing the sad genre. This piece is a bit more sad in the sense of concept, not of the character, which is something I like to see. We get a lighthearted ending where she may have to end her previous existence in order to save her own. The lion character was interesting with how he spoke. Sort of like that wise guy in the mountains...

Anyway, nice job. Now here are some suggestions.

Suggestions

She stepped forward to embrace the kindly lion beast tightly.

I suggest removing the adjectives. I had problems reading this sentence because of the unnecessary words like kindly and beast. What's actually interesting is that not only do the words specified make me confused in terms of understanding the sentence, but also that beast is an opposite of kind. Beast is usually used in the negative connotation, so calling him a kind beast seems counter productive, especially since we already identified him as a lion.

As she walked, he watched her go... and noticed that one of the holes in her leg had begun to close.

He smiled.

This was hard to understand due to the confusing phrase 'He watched her go...'. In my opinion, 'As she walked away, he noticed...' would be the best option here.

The other bit that I want to highlight is the fact that the ellipses are used here. I'm not saying it's not right, but rather that the addition of them interrupts the flow of the sentence and makes it harder to understand the true significance of it other than she is changing to herself again. Just fair warning.

~~~~~~

Hope this helps.

Sequel. I command it with the force of my favlikefollow.

Only bad side I find is that this is one shot

5575741

Your suggestions are ALWAYS welcome. I greatly appreciate them. Impossible to catch all one's imperfections when you self edit. Thank you!!!

5577111

Glad to help. :twilightsmile:

The only gripe I have about this one is it's about seven chapters short.

5578592

I am deeply honored that you like it that much. Thank you.

5578630
Hey, that's a serious gripe!

5578848

Oh, oh my... *lowers ears* Well... I guess I'll have to get to thinking again. :)

5579086

I have to admit I'm with Random on this one. This is a good premise.

5579086 Honestly, I like it as it is. Continuing the story may ruin the interpretation that you meant...

Plus, cliffhangers are best hangers.

"I think therefore I am." I, am. Your name is Am! You lying bastard, you have a name!

5581564

Are you my fairy god pony of fanfic writing?

5582825
Nope, I'm just Soaring. They kicked me out of that club weeks ago!

...

*Headdesks*

I have mixed feelings about this one.

There are a lot of concepts I'm intrigued by: some of the specifics about Chrysalis once being a pony, and the idea that changelings adopt the form of an assimilated leader come to mind.
The big issue I have with it, aside from maybe that we don't have much time with the concepts, is that the story almost seems to shut itself down by the end. Which might kinda work for a one-shot, but I would find it more satisfying if the ending was more open to continuation. As it is, the ending seems to imply further events, but I can't imagine them being that interesting as is.
My interpretation of the ending was that Chrysalis was resolved in her motivation, which was to wipe out the changelings. The problem here is it seems to completely resolve the most interesting conflicts (at least by my account. First is the idea of changelings as a corrupting force, which is either a character coming into contact with the corrupting influence and trying to resist, or a character dealing with the aftermath of a friend or loved one falling to corruption. This is the one present in the story, and is resolved when Chrysalis a) pretty much breaks free of their influence and b) sets off to destroy them, thus preventing them finding any other leader. The second is more implied, and it's the inherent conflict of a species which thrives on love yet tends to cause harm in its acquisition. Granted, the story seems to use an interpretation that excludes this, but I was still a little disappointed by the end result of 'they are nothing but evil and must be destroyed'.

I doubt these are really worth accommodating, they'd probably require some pretty drastic rewrites, and the story works pretty well as it is. This was just my two cents on it, and hopefully it can give some interesting things to think about with future writing.

5620671 Not evil. I explained that they had the danger to be if someone who craved something wicked gained control. But I do appreciate the input, thank you.

5620724 Yeah, I'll admit I sacrificed accuracy for flair a little there. The point I was aiming for was that with the changelings as they are, the only way to interact with them seems to be to attack or to be attacked, and so are 'evil' only in so far as they exist to cause harm or be destroyed. They seem more like a force of nature than anything else.
Which again, is an interesting approach, I'm just a little sad that the only sorts of interactions with them seem to be destroying them or suffering their attacks. They seem no less dangerous if someone with noble intent gains control than someone with malicious intent, due to the corrupting influence (as evidenced by Chrysalis).
Again, it's an interesting read, more than anything else it just doesn't leave much room to expand.

5620932 As writers of fanfiction, we all have our own interpretations/head canon. I wanted to give Chrysalis a softer, more sympathetic side without having to pen an epic tale, as I have several other projects I am working on. My sincerest apologies if you were disappointed. :fluttershysad:

5621006 Heh, that's fair. And don't worry about it, while I am a little disappointed, most of it comes from my own preferences rather than anything about the story itself I think.
Really, the reason I mentioned it at all is because a) sometimes I just like to get my two cents in and b) if you did ever think about continuing it, I think some of things I brought up are things you might need to think about.

Deranged, hysterical laughter echoed in the lonely canyon where Twilight's magic had banished her.

Is this AU as well? I don't remember Twilight evicting Chryssi.

I did have a cow at one point, but she proved too demanding of my time, and it detracted from my research.

Since cows are sentient... is this slavery?

This is a very interesting concept, though I would consider is an alternate universe since Chryssi and Caddy are friends when younger and there is no real mention of Chrysalis. Though, could she have lost her real name when first captured and transformed? I think what you could do with this premise is not have something like a full story where each chapter rolls into another, but each chapter can be a separate story along the same theme. Each a snapshot of Chryssi recovering from her time in the swarm.

5633014 I was referring to the way she was ejected from Canterlot with the rest of the Changelings at the end of the battle. And my head canon is that after Chryssie's disappearance, Celestia and Cadance simply forgot about the young alicorn after a time, like all people do about those who vanish. I think there's plenty of gap in the timeline to allow for this.

But any way you interpret it is fine with me, as long as you enjoyed it. :twilightsmile:

5636242
I was more stuck on the mention of Twilight's magic since it was a combination of Cadance and Shining Armor that propelled Chrysalis and her brood out of Canterlot.

I could see Cadance forgetting, but not Celestia. Being the lone alicorn for so long and suddenly two pop up with one soon disappearing. Though, I suppose the recognition of Chryssi could be difficult depending on how much her body was twisted. Any little head canon about what she did to get alicornified?

How did you come up with that title as well? Is it a reference to Franz Kafka at all?

5636343 I had forgotten that. Thanks for reminding me - I'll edit the story for accuracy.

Celestia did not have much time to talk during the fight, really, and there's so little backstory in the show that's actually explained with villains. I wanted more to focus on Chrysalis and her past in this piece, and as Cadance's becoming an alicorn was never addressed, either, I took some creative liberties with Equestria's history and hoped people would not be too upset with me.

And yes, specifically "Metamorphosis." :raritywink:

5636378
I would have assumed there would have been some gloating and time for recollection when Celestia was being cocooned to the ceiling of the palace. Unless she just passed out after telling Twilight to grab the elements, that would give no time to explain. Cadance's ascension wasn't addressed in the show but it was addressed in a book. Basically beats some evil pony with love and BOOM horn. She got to start out as a pegasus.

Edit: I really like the Rarity with dark hair and glasses for some reason. I am gonna try vectoring it.

5636631 :twilightsmile: Again, being that it's fan fiction, I took creative liberties.

5637474
Creative liberties? Creative liberties! What do you think this is?! Physics! Where numbers and associated values are just assumed for convenience sake! No, this is writing! And to get in that feature box you need to follow a set... uh... um, set... SET SOMETHING OR OTHER! It is very clear Ms. Noir of Feather.

Creative liberties should be constrained to the math halls and military institutions.

I blame caffeine for everything above.

5637499 I suppose it's a good thing that I write for myself, then. :raritywink:

5638805
You have a fun attitude and interesting stories. I like you.

Do you intend to continue this?

5672295 I do actually have a sequel planned! :raritywink:

Lovely story, it's on my Favorites!:twilightsmile: Off I go, to read the next part!

5724550 Then it will please you to know a third one is in the works. :raritywink:

good grief, this has been in my library for EVAR and i finally got around reading it. it was wonderful, as all of your work is.

5746816 That warms me to hear. Thank you. :twilightsmile:

5747260 you're very welcome. i'm glad i can make you happy. i like it when people smile, cuz that makes me smile, ya know?

Tenoutaten! :twilightsmile:
A nice combination of flashbacks and present time, good characterization for Chrissy and a unique take to the changeling race. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to read this story's sequel (squee)

Really needs the AU tag. But very creative and once again you use an OC without it being a blight (a rare talent) and even a good thing (even more rare). I would never have thought of such an innocent way to ship Cadance and Chrysalis.

6024353 I've added it, both here and to the sequel.

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