• Member Since 12th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

hydra30


I like crossovers

May
12th
2019

Proof read · 2:33am May 12th

Finally got a proof reader, if anyone wants to reread the first chapter of KIC to see if its any better woud be welcome.

Thank you Emtu

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Proofreading's done.

2705994
Not an expert, no denying that, also I'm trying to put attention on Twilight's love for her friends. She is doing this for them after all

Rant start. Advice at the end.
So in 'Knowledge is Power' why did Twilight fall for such an obvious trick? Where is the logic in that? "Oh! My friends are here! In this cavern... wait... only I new exactly where I was teleporting with chrysalis... Yep! Makes perfect sense" What? No. That doesn't quite work. The changelings knowing where the queen is because of a psychic/magical hive mind? Perfectly logical. But Twilight's friends? She should have been waaaaaay more suspicious of any changeling using disguises. For an extremely intelligent unicorn who has likely been Mora's student for years, I'm saying years based on her usage of shouts. She has made way too many mistakes to be anything other than plot convenience. Most shounen anime I've seen are guilty of that. Don't talk to the villain. Don't confront your teacher in the middle of a fight. Deal with the enemy first. Everything else later. Oh and don't use sparks on any enemy if you know lightning bolt, chain lightning or thunderbolt! Hell any other, more powerful, destruction magic! She's literally in a life or death situation! Adrenaline wouldn't let you pause to think about anything other then survival or victory. So just kill the enemy and get it over with!

Rant over.
Not a bad concept. Your grammar and sentence structure are pretty good. But you need to work on your dialogue and fight scenes.

2587051
Working on it, juggling ideas at the moment

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