I'm a fairly skilled hermetic wizard, and I could teach you the esoteric arts, if you can prove that you are worthy of my instruction.
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Pregnant with twins, Queen Chrysalis is trying to save her race.
Is the father going to help care for his children?
Will the changelings ever be accepted by ponies?
I was trying to write a one-shot, somewhere along the lines it turned into something greater.
I am going to work on the sequel when I feel like it.
Cover art by Midnight Sonare. Middy is amazing at his art, so check him out.
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i love the idea. i'm a sucker for stories like this but the writing...while it is good..it's not great. it's fast paced in alot of ares. like reading random pages of a books
4135559 I tried to do some psuedo-journal type style with this, it is kinda weird, but I like the effect so far.
Sympathy play. You have my track and upvote on this. I expect to see more and... A nice ending for them all, not in the death ending mind you.
4136626 There might be some incredibly dark moments later on, I am not sure yet. also, I took care of your double-post.
I am surprised that this is taking off like it is. I was practically just writing out of my ass. No plan, no outline, just writing as it comes to me then trying to make it look good.
So essentially I am polishing a turd...
Fast paced cake walk... Uh I don't know what to think about this
4142983 Considering you faved it, just say that you like my polished turd of a fic.
4143011
More likely its only possibility of watching this.
4143317 And you are watching it because it is a polished turd.
Well... That is a warm and mind ending.
It might be rushed, but with the writing style of this story, I think it suits it.
Do changelings age differently than normal ponies? I'm just wondering how Chrysalis' daughter is going to school with the Cutie Mark Crusaders?
4181931 Changelings mature faster than ponies, and the average lifetime is similar in length to ponies. Emotive Energy, in sufficient amounts, can increase changeling lifespans based on energy usage and consumption. Large amounts of energy generally means longer lifespan.
Changelings mature from nymph to adult in about six months, the fact that Radiance is only part changeling, her development is faster to the foal stage, but then her pony genes take over.
LOL at the last part. Squeal please
...D'Awww. I'm a total sucker for this stuff.
4227552 Aren't we all though?
Rushed, indeed.
4227569 Like I said, polished turd...
imminent surrender- immediate?
Celestia seems rather eager to help.
why not just petition her first, instead of invading?oh that's explained, looks like we got a lil' racism goin' on
everybody seems really chill with everything going on, specifically celestia and shining
ehhh, this is like super dry, but i said i would read it. Everyone involved seems almost like they have no emotions.
4235375 I am a bit new to writing still, and I have a hard time giving characters depth sometimes. Not to mention I was never really satisfied with this fic.
4248702 Thanks.
As for the journal entry style, I was experimenting with alternate ways to tell stories, and the hybrid journal-dialogue format was interesting for me to do.
I am using the same style in the sequel.
This isn't bad, not by a long shot, however the back and forth dialogue gets a bit tedious to read. Just having two characters throw words at each other with nothing else gets a bit grating. The jumps between questions/topics have also seemed rather abrupt, you should probably work on making better segues.
4328082 I think I did better with dialogue and such in the sequel, but I am pretty bad at a lot of this stuff... As for this story, I may go back and edit all of the dialogue to be better later on, after I finish the sequel probably, but yeah...
Things are moving too fast again. It may do you some good to slow down and smell the roses a bit, maybe give them some color?
I estimate that 94% of this chapter is reliant on the reader's imagination, where it should be between 47 to 71 at most. Even if it's just to tell us that chrysalis frowned, we need a bit more detail. :)
I can at least say this, that it would help the authenticity a bit to have date stamps for the journal entries, so we don't have to guess the time jump inferred by each one. That and it would be easier to stomach the pace of the story by showing that everything isn't happening overnight. With exception to the birthing scene, I think we've summarized about seven months of stuff.
So yeah, this was a thing. Not sure if I'll fave it, but it's here you brave soul!
It seems that question marks are nearly as rare as changelings
By just looking at the story i can see this contradict canon.
I agree. This is EXTREMELY rushed. Like seriously, you're going a mile a word. You got enough potential for a mini-novel here, and you crammed it all into a few pages.
Not to mention the whole "Chrysalis has babies with Shining" concept is a bit of a cliché at this point.
4343699
Fuck your canon. The title of the website is FimFiction, the whole point is that the author doesn't have to follow the show at all if he doesn't want to.
4344515 But..
The show is completely off topic, im talking about the comics.
Trololololololol
4344618
What comics?
Alright, I'm not going harp on the light speed pacing, because that's been talked about by many and it's not the point of this comment.
This story is fine and from how you described it's creation it actually turned out pretty good. There is one detail that's fairly important to the characters and how the story develops that is completely skipped over in this.
That detail is how exactly did Chrysalis become pregnant with Shining's foals? Because if it happened when she was impersonating Cadence then that's called rape. It's worse if he was mind controlled at the time. Even if he wasn't mind controlled at the time it's still not actual consent if he thought Chrysalis was Cadence, and it doesn't make honest-to-Celestia rape any less creepy and violating.
I'm not trying to attack you here or say you or your story are bad because of some moral standard of fiction, but it's these elephant in the room fridge horror kind of things that can make an otherwise uplifting and hopeful story feel uneasy. The fact that Chrysalis raped Shining Armor and it's not even mentioned is extremely jarring when the story is supposed to be about Chrysalis working with and being accepted by pony society.
Chrysalis being forgiven so easily and readily for attacking Canterlot is kind of a stretch, but it's not plot breaking in any way. The fact that Shining doesn't even seem to be the littlest bit mad that he was raped, which is just mind boggling. The only explanation I can think of is that that discussion happened off screen and was for some reason not mentioned in any of the scenes where Chrysalis and Shining talk about their children. That's an odd thing to leave out, even with the massive time jumps this story makes.
That's precisely the thing though, even if inside your head Shining and Chrysalis discussed and resolved that massive issue, from a readers perspective I'm given no information to go on and I'm forced to draw conclusions from what I can see here. You might have a solution to this issue, but it's not anywhere in the story itself. There's no way I can imagine that Chrysalis and Shining could've had a kid in that timeframe with her raping him in some way. If Shining wasn't mind controlled and had any inclination that the pony he was having sex with wasn't his fiancé than he would've tried to stop the invasion. If he was mind controlled or ignorant then Chrysalis took advantage of him sexually in a particularly horrifying fashion.
The only scenario I could reach for that wasn't rape was that Chrysalis revealed her true form, somehow convinced Shining to cheat on Cadence, then erased his memories. Disregarding all the moral problems of that, even if such a far fetched thing happened then Shining wouldn't remember it. Which leads back to the same point.
From what I can see here no one even seems slightly concerned about Shining being raped. Even if Shining were to somehow come to terms with having been raped, how in the world could Twilight not be furious? When Chrysalis tells Twilight she has plans for her brother she says "Don't you dare do anything to my brother, you... youmonster!" And then when she thought Cadence was Chrysalis she tackled her and seemed just about ready to fry Cadence while she was begging for mercy on the cavern floor. Yet when she receives word her brother was raped she's not even apprehensive?
You can't just imply some horrible crime without explanation and then skip completely over it. We're given a sympathetic reason why she invaded Canterlot. No explanation is given as to why Chrysalis would have kids with Shining in the first place, no reason why it was necessary at all. It's not like she was forced for some reason to have sex with Shining before the wedding. Without that context for why it happened it just seems like some pointlessly horrible or selfish act with no attempt to justify it.
Feel free to reply and say you barely planned the story out and didn't want to put in the time or drama to touch on the rape thing, there's not much I can say to that. If you just wanted to avoid the subject altogether when writing this then I can't force you to address it. But it's something that's central to the entire plot of the fic, and it's hard to ignore it. Just like it would be hard to ignore if a character tortured/insert-another-evil-thing another character but it's never mentioned again and it's not acknowledged by the victim or anyone close to them.
I don't want to try and shame you or anything, I plan on reading the sequel after I finish this comment. You're not a bad writer at all, It's just something to think about when your writing, especially when it's as sensitive a subject as rape.
P.S. Holy wall of text Batman! I'm so sorry about making this so long and cluttering your comment's section with a massive post about rape of all things. If you want me to shorten or delete this comment then I'll oblige, this might not be the thing you want to have taking up so much space compared to all the other comments.
4345781 I think it is really a case of 'Doesn't matter had sex', but besides that, he has a sweet and caring daughter as a result of any foul play he might have done. I cannot say that I would have handled it that way, but what I was trying to make it was where shining and the others didn't really think about it that way. As for the pacing, that dead horse (I had to say that) has been beaten to hamburger...
4345904 ...I hope your being hyperbolic with that first statement. I'm going to assume you are, because "doesn't matter had sex" is about the most awful and insulting excuse for blatant rape I can think of besides "I know he/she wanted it".
I understand it wasn't a part of the story you were focusing on, but it's hard to accept they would ignore rape with no fuss at all. Even if some characters thought of it that way, the fact that none of them did at all is bizarre. Rape isn't like some embarrassing mistake that people ignore because everything turned out alright in the end. It jars me out of the story because unless they're sociopaths people don't just quietly forget about sexual abuse.
Entire character arcs are built around the consequences and fallout out of rape. Obviously that's not what this story is or should be, but it didn't even mention it in the slightest. Not even a single line addressing one of the major acts that's so horrific in the readership's mind that authors use it to designate villains as wholly evil and irredeemable. We're aren't given any reason as to why Chrysalis had sex with Shining Armor, I mean, why would she? If she was just invading Canterlot because her people were starving then why would she rape Shining? Did she just do it because she felt like it? It's hard to ignore her doing such an evil thing when we aren't informed of any reason or purpose behind her cruelty. The other is that she raped him just to have his kids, which doesn't seem to be the case because Chrysalis describes her pregnancy like another unexpected problem on top of her race's starvation. That's another disgusting and despicable can of worms.
I just can't imagine Twilight(or any of the characters for that matter) going 'Chrysalis had sex with my brother without his consent. Chrysalis RAPED my brother. She deceived and betrayed him in the most intimate way possible when he thought she was the one pony he trusted and loved most in the world. ...Eh, whatever. Look, a cute widdle baby! Aren't you an adorable little rape baby! '
4345980 To be perfectly honest, I didn't think of that whole 'rape scenario' thing at the time of writing, and when I said 'Doesn't matter had sex', I was just making a bad joke to diffuse the tension from your word wall.
Also, since the entire story is from Queen Chrysalis' POV, she doesn't really feel remorse for the whole rape thing, as she has experienced so much already (the whole feeling every single death through the hivemind, and all the psychological damage that it entails, as well as the joy of being a new mother, along with the worry of weather or not she would be able to provide for her foal). Not to mention the fact that I was practically writing out of my ass when I wrote this...
4346017 Alright, that's what I figured. It didn't seem like a serious thing you would say. I can see the need for some diffusion after such a massive wall o text assault
By the way you described how you wrote it out your ass I also figured you just didn't really think about the whole thing. Though I have to say, somepony who doesn't feel any remorse for the horrible things they've done does not a sympathetic character make. It's hard to accept that an antagonist is no longer out to get you when they'd admit to feeling no guilt over raping one of your closest family members.
The story was mostly written like a summery of events, so I can see where mistakes in character dynamics and such could appear. It's just a weird thing when they never mention it, even when their speaking directly and not from Chrysalis's point of view. Even if from her perspective she doesn't dwell on what she's done, other ponies don't magically forget about it when they hear about all the horrors she's been through. Even if what happened to her justified what she did, emotions don't work like that, even for the most forgiving pony. The story's already complete, so I don't really think you're going to change it at this point. A 'polished turd' as you call it might not be so receptive to emergency plot consistency surgery.
I guess I'll just drop it. Unfortunately I'm now unable to think of Chrysalis in this story and sequel as anything but a morally bankrupt remorseless sociopathic monster. Which makes the whole 'her playing with her daughter and the CMC' creepy and terrifying in every possible way. It's just a bit uncomfortable when there's an unrepentant rapist lurking amongst the peaceful cast
Anyway, good luck with whatever direction your heading in the sequel.
This...
...this pleases me.
I like it...
But... maybe put in some of the surroundings and settings as well?
Also, the pacing as it is... it would make for a very good one shot.
4347408 Considering the fact that it originally was going to be a oneshot...
(here's a hint, the story description tells you a bit)
Fuck me, I finally found an author who is worse at writing dialogue than George Lucas.
It would be a good story otherwise. Just...
Ugh.
The scary thing about this story is that my OC is practically a perfect match of the foal in your cover picture.
My mind exploded
4348788 Read the sequel, or at least look at the cover art, to get a better idea of what Radiance looks like. When I made her, I absolutely fell in love with her (as in she is absolutely adorable).
this should have a reboot, this was a good story and concept but very poorly written and requires heavy improvement, no offence
4348911 Considering the fact that this is almost literally a polished turd, I don't care enough about this to rerwite it. I do care about the sequel a lot more, but the sequel is much better in my opinion.
4348927 currently reading that now, just got trough chapter 1 when I noticed the notification. I still stand with my opinion of rebooting this though
also, is that a Crysis Nanosuit Mk2 in your profile picture?
4345087
http://mlp.wikia.com/wiki/IDW_comics
~
http://yp1.pony.pp.ua/comic.php
4348964 Yep, this wonderful guy I met on DeviantArt three years ago made it for me, It was supposed to be the Crysis 2 Nanosuit with a trollface head holding the Halo 3 Battle Rifle with my username on the top left. He did a good job, it was a 32x32 avatar picture so yeah.
I haven't talked to the guy in over two years.
Interesting.....
4350504
4349201
well, that's... I have no comment here
its nice when people do stuff for you
sad when you don't stick with them much though