Unpleasant Correspondence

by StormLuna

Ponyville Confidential

Dear Princess Celestia,

Right now I am not thrilled with some of the local fillies, that cutie mark cult in particular. Get this, in their fruitless quest to earn their cutie marks, they decided to become gossip writers for the local school newspaper. Yep, now I am convinced that the local schoolteacher is an idiot for allowing the school paper to become an even bigger rag than those tabloids you see at the grocery store.

Now at first I wasn't overly concerned, I actually found it humorous until lies began to be printed in there about not just me, but you and my acquaintances. I'll be honest, I wanted to take those fillies and haul them out to Tartarus myself but I figured that I would consult you on what to do with them. What is truly bad is they made up lies about me being a Canterlot snob and claimed that Spike told them those lies. Had they continued to print lies about me, I would have sued that school for libel and what would I have wanted? I would have wanted Cheerilee as a full-time "friend." She is hot and would make a perfect toy after all.

Like the rest of this dump, I got to where I hated those three and wanted to put them out of their misery but knowing you, you would probably force me to live with Rarity, force me to take Pinkie in or some other punishment so severe that it would make either Tartarus or the moon look not half bad.

Ultimately those little bitches apologized with one final piece in the paper before The Foal Free Press returned to being boring as hell and never saw the light of day outside of Ponyville again. Now their sisters wound up forgiving them but I have not. It will take a lot more than a mere public apology to cause me to not want to kill them the next time I see them. Maybe if I'm lucky they will try to kill me and I can then kill them in self defense and then have filly burgers.

One more thing I need to tell you. They wound up getting a hold of a picture of you stuffing your face with cake and added the headline, "Princess Celestia digging herself an early grave, Luna to be crowned queen before the year is out."

I would advise you kill them and give me the meat. I am hungry and if you punish them that way, other ponies would know not to print libelous claims about us.

Your Filly Meat Craving Student,

Twilight Sparkle

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Dear Princess Celestia,

We are sorry that we wound up digging dirt up on you and printed that picture of you. However, we would like to admit that Twilight is right, you do like your cake more than you should. Also, we can't help but wonder if you are as big of a bitch as she claims and we especially wonder if you screw her old friends like she told us you do on multiple occasions. Anyway, Twilight can be a bitch most of the time but she does tell us plenty of bad stuff about you so listening to her whine and complain about you is worth it.

Sincerely,

Gabby Gums (aka Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo)

P.S. If you are going to punish anypony, punish the staff photographer, Featherweight. He is the one who took the picture of you stuffing your face with cake and digging yourself an early grave.

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Dear Princess Celestia,

I want to apologize for what my students printed in the school newspaper. Those three have angered many ponies but I do want to let you know something that should sooth your anger. I demoted the editor in chief to a lowly printing press position, I promoted the staff photographer to editor in chief and the cutie mark crusaders have promised to no longer spread any gossip. I hope this will be enough to spare any of us your wrath.

Your Loyal Subject,

Miss Cheerilee

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To My Filly Meat Craving Student,

What is it with you wanting to eat foal meat all of a sudden? You wanted to fatten one up and haul it to the taxidermist after Nightmare Night, you wanted to do the same at Hearts and Hooves Day and now this? Look, I can understand that you are angry over them printing things that portray you in a negative light. Spike may not have said those things but they are right you know. You ARE a Canterlot snob so it most certainly would not be libel.

However, I am not thrilled that those little cunts wound up printing something negative about me! Now I have that paper and I am not one bit thrilled. I am already contemplating what I am going to do and if I didn't give a shit about my public image, I would not only kill those three but I would also wipe out the staff photographer and Luna and I would feast on foal flesh. Hell, I'd kill the editor of the paper too since she let it be published and regarding Cheerilee, I plan on hitting her where it will hurt the most, her pocketbook.

I will let you in on something, I do have a punishment planned for those foals but it will not result in you getting foal meat. Yes I am pissed over what they did, very pissed but like I said above, I don't want to do something that may lead to any uprisings or ponies calling for me to abdicate over cannibalism and allow my sister to take over. That would be almost as bad as letting you come home. Key word though, almost!

Your Overlord,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Had you killed those foals, I would not have forced you to move in with Rarity or forced you to take in Pinkie. Even I would not be that harsh in this situation but I would have had no problems taking the spa twins away from you so I have some advice. Don't kill any of the foals down there, alright?

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To the Cutie Mark Cult,

You little bitches just won't learn, will you? I would have thought that you would know to behave after you had my sister overseeing you cleaning the castle for two weeks. Guess what, this time it will be much worse. It won't happen right away but it won't be long until I summon you three, that staff photographer along with your editor in chief to come up here to Canterlot where you will be forced to clean the castle from top to bottom every single day for six months straight, with my sister overseeing you. I will make damn sure you and your cohorts stop with this shit, alright?

Soon to Be Your Master (Again),

Princess Celestia

P.S. I am not thrilled that Twilight has told you lies about me screwing her old friends. You have to understand, she is just upset that she can't have Twinkleshine anymore and is simply trying to make you three think badly of me. Yes I am a harsh disciplinarian as is my sister but you should know that I would never engage in such activities. Don't buy into Twilight's lies because if you do, you most certainly will not like the results.

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To Miss Cheerilee,

Listen bitch, I am not one bit happy with what your students have been publishing lately nor is anypony else. All I have to say is you better be glad that those foals didn't publish anything bad about Luna or all of them and you would be experiencing a permanent solar vacation right now.

Now while I have come up with punishments for the students involved in printing libelous claims against not just myself, but many of the serfs down there, I have some rather harsh punishments for you. For the shit you allowed to happen, I am hereby taking away your pension, increasing all of your taxes tenfold and I am fining you fifty thousand bits.

Please make a check payable to the Equestrian Revenue Service in the amount of 50,000 bits before next Friday or not only will I seize your house, but you will find yourself a new home, IN TWILIGHT'S BEDROOM AS HER PERMANENT SEX SLAVE!

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Comments

[Violet Shade]

Permanent sex slave? What about when Cheerilee gets old and loses her sex appeal? I doubt Twilight would keep her around once that happens.

[ValNitak Choas]

wow the pricness is try to help her student out in some odd way

[StormLuna]

8955178

Once she loses her sex appeal, Twilight can do what she wishes with her.....either throw her out or find a spell to make her young and sexy again.

[StormLuna]

8955489

Don't worry, Twilight is going to be pushing the envelope A LOT!

[Cloudy Arrow]

*SQUEE* This is my fav chapter so far!!! 3 more chapters for s2:
MMMystery on the friendship express & A Canterlot wedding P1 & 2 *Squee*
Also Thanks for releasing 3 chapters in 1 day StormLuna!!!Ltwilightsmile:

[Ri2]

So...it's okay for Celestia to eat foals but not Twilight?