Unpleasant Correspondence

by StormLuna

Leap of Faith

Dear Princess Bitchlestia,

Alright, I've had it. I quit, I fucking quit. They have excluded me AGAIN! Five times this season and three times in the past four weeks. Could you just tell God-Emperor Goldner that I'm sick of this shit? I am the reason this generation of ponies exist and now they exclude me more than they include me. I don't care if I have to wander through the wastes of retired cartoon characters, it would beat being excluded in favor of other characters and especially ponies of lesser races.

I quit,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

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Dear Princess Celestia,

I thought you would have done something to punish Flim and Flam after trying to run me out of business but this time they served my Granny some tonic and all of a sudden she thought she was a filly again. I'm not sure what that crap really does but I know it must cloud a pony's common sense because Granny tried to do a high dive into a damn bowl of water! She could have died had I not lassoed her at the last moment. Now if that ain't a good reason to lock them up, I don't know what is.

Angry With Flim and Flam,

Applejack

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Dear Princess Celestia,

I could have set the Equestrian high dive record had Applejack not lassoed me at the last second! I can't believe she would do that but I'm a might upset that Flim and Flam returned to Ponyville after I ran them off last time. Could you please lock them up for all the trouble they cause?

Your Humble Subject,

Granny Smith

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To the Once Again Excluded Monarch,

Go ahead, go and tell Goldner that you're going to quit. When you signed your contract, it had a "no quit" clause in it so you can't quit. Perhaps I should send him a letter letting him know of your intentions and when he tells you that you can't quit, he'll tell the writers to relocate Aloe and Lotus to Canterlot and then you won't have anypony down in that dump that will give a fuck about you, much less fuck you.

Just quit your bitching, go to the spa and everything will be fine.

Telling it Like it is,

Princess Celestia

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Dear Applejack and Granny Smith,

I am sorry but Flim and Flam have yet to break any laws so I am not going to punish them. Now I did get a sample of that tonic and after the lab did a test on it, all it is is a mixture of beet juice and apple juice so it is a harmless mixture of juice. Granny, I would advise that you take things easy and not fall into the traps of con-ponies again.

I would like to know one thing though, where the hell did you two get that big bag of bits that you paid those two for all that tonic? That would have likely been more than enough to get Granny's hip fixed. Oh well, it ain't any skin off of my flank so I suppose I shouldn't even give a shit.

Not Caring About Your Problems,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Oh Applejack, don't spend that bit that pony with the glasses gave you or lose it because it may come in handy at some time. Why I'm not sure but something is telling me that you'll need it at some point in the future.

Comments

[Ri2]

I'm...pretty sure Flim and Flam broke several laws, not the least of which is false advertising. Oh, and reckless endangerment of a senior.