Unpleasant Correspondence

by StormLuna

Special: Seriously, Only Nine Seasons?

Dear God-Emperor Goldner,

Look, we want to know something. Why the hell are you cancelling us after the end of season nine? Are we not loved enough anymore for you to keep us going? Are our toy sales not doing so well? Are people getting bored of us so you decide to make plans to replace us with ponies who won't be nearly as awesome as us?

We've seen the leaked concept art and if that is what you plan on doing with us, fuck that shit! Twilight is not happy that you want to strip her of what I have ascended her into being, Applejack is pissed you want to change her personality, Starlight and Trixie are not thrilled that you won't be giving them their own series centering around what will include them being married and my sister and I are pissed that we won't be there.

Here is another thing I wonder, are you doing this because the writers have run out of ideas or do you think a new generation will allow you to afford more mega-yachts? If that is the case, I have a news flash for you, it won't! Trying to do better than us will pretty much be impossible. I have some advice for you, if you must do a new generation, start from scratch. Have your people create completely new ponies in a completely new world. If you do that, maybe you can afford more mansions.

Just know this, you are devastating many of the humans who watch us and mark my words, nothing will ever be as popular as us, EVER! Now go and think about how you are dooming the franchise to a huge setback, go and think how much worse it will be than those G3.5 freaks that preceded all of us in Equestria.

Hoping You Can't Buy Any More Yachts,

Princess Celestia

P.S. When G5 bombs on you, just bring us back in the way we are right now....with the exception of Trixie and Starlight being married, overthrowing Cadence and Shining Armor and ruling up there instead. That would make this world 100% perfect!

---

Dear Princess Celestia,

Look, we are simply doing what we think will help the company. If you would visit my world you would see that the My Little Pony toy sections in a lot of stores are decreasing because of a decrease in sales. Look, I know we are pissing a lot of you off and to be honest, blame the writers for running out of material. If they could keep on continuing with original story lines, we'd keep you guys running clear up until 2030 or later but you really don't want to become like a cartoon in my world that has become stale do you?

You see, that cartoon, the Simpsons, has been running since 1989 in our world and it has become horribly stale and has decreased in quality significantly. We think it would be far better if we don't let you become a low-grade form of entertainment that only appeals to people who don't give a shit about quality. Besides, I really don't feel like having Twilight bitching to me about being excluded from episodes for the next twenty years. I'll let you in on a secret, her bitching has sent my blood pressure through the roof and that isn't healthy for us humans.

Now regarding what your replacements will be like, I'm not sure. That will be up to the creators and to be honest, as long as we turn a profit I won't give a shit. I won't give a shit whether they are completely new ponies or if they are bastardized, hideous abominations that carry your name and are nothing like you.

Also, I need you to tell Starlight and Trixie that they should be glad they won't be included in the next generation. They should be happy because I certainly know they wouldn't be a couple and once you ascend Starlight, she wouldn't be that way in the next generation because we are scrapping Alicorns. You see, some people are bitching about how your kind are pretty much better than everypony else. We call these people snowflakes over here, people who don't like the idea of power structures and any kind of inequality, kind of how Starlight used to be.

Now I'm going to tell all of you something. Celestia, go and have fun with Twilight's old friends and you go tell Twilight to keep torturing that junkie and have fun with Cadence. Also, if Fluttershy ever heals, tell your adoptive daughter to not bother her because you know the drill. If Fluttershy winds up becoming psychologically damaged because of her, your real daughter will suffer the consequences.

Telling it Like it is,

God-Emperor Brian Goldner, CEO of Hasbro, Inc.

P.S. If G5 bombs, we will likely wait a while before we would do a G6 and sorry but unless the country I live in becomes more open minded, StarXie won't happen. A lesbian couple would simply hurt our profits way too much.

Comments

[StormLuna]

9458620

That was hilarious! Now I think one involving Spike bitching to Twilight at the end of the series is on my docket now. Now that I know when the end is coming, I am planning on A LOT of post-series letters that will make some laugh and make some spit nails.