Unpleasant Correspondence

by StormLuna

Special: The Old Pillars' Complaints

Princess Celestia,

First off let me start out by complementing you again on how tall you have gotten. Did you use some freaky growing magic or what? I ask this because the last time I saw you were an adorable little filly with a solid pink mane and tail and you were so innocent. From what I saw, you are no longer like that.

Yes Twilight is a whiny little bitch with sub-par magic but her and I have talked some and she has talked about what a trolling bitch you are and how you did the worst possible thing and extended her life by several millennia when you gave her those wings. I must say that was a huge mistake. The only thing I can think is that you must hate Equestria more than the pony of shadows since you cursed her upon this land for so long.

One thing that does impress me though, the powerful magic of Starlight Glimmer. She has shown me how she perfected that time travel spell of mine, the age spell and so many more other great spells of hers. Now I begged and begged her to show me how she stole cutie marks so she used ME as a test subject. Now I am not thrilled that she did that, I wanted her to do it to Twilight but oh well, her magic is still spectacular.

Now I have one request of you and I will forget about the essay you owe me. If you will make Starlight Glimmer a princess, ascend her, make her immortal, give her a castle far larger and much more luxurious than Twilight's, and give her a share of power here in Equestria I will forget about the essay. If you don't, I'm sure I can have Starlight age regress you and Luna back into fillies, I'll put you back in school and if you fail your lessons, I'll have Starlight make those age regression spells permanent.

Don't worry about somepony ruling Equestria if that happens, I'm sure Starlight will rule Equestria in a way that will keep the evils of this world at bay. I think she would make a far better leader than either of you and even myself since she understands that diplomacy and friendship are much better options than the mistake that I along with the rest of the Pillars made when it came to Stygian.

Knowing Starlight is the Best,

Starswirl the Bearded

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Dear Sunbutt,

What do you mean you rule all of Equestria now? What the hell happened to the Empresses that ruled out where the last of my kin lives? Let me guess, you and Moonbutt came in, overthrew every legitimate government and took it all for yourself. Whatever it is, I will guarantee you this. Us curved horn unicorns demand that you grant our territory its independence from your tyrannical rule. I see what you have done with Rarity and her friends. I see how you cursed that lavender Alicorn with a bad attitude upon them.

Now I strongly advise you give us our freedom or I will have no choice but to declare war upon you, got it?

Wanting Freedom for My Kind,

Mist Mane

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Princess Celestia,

I am going to put this as bluntly as possible. The ponies of this day and age are weak, horribly weak. Most of you seem to just sit on your dead flanks and do next to nothing. Even earth ponies like Applejack could not have survived back in my day. Back in my day ponies were strong, we had to be. Your subjects have nothing to worry about like the ponies of my time did. We had to put up with horrible creatures, we had to put up with erupting volcanoes and we did not have all these modern conveniences like you do.

We had no electricity, we didn't have running water, we couldn't just go to the store and buy something we needed. If we needed food, we either grew it or in extreme cases, we had to go out and kill it. We didn't have resources to waste on luxury items like the ponies of this day and age do. I swear, adjusting to this modern Equestria is not going to be easy. Yes living life will be easy, it will be putting up with a bunch of lazy weaklings that will be the worst.

Severely Disappointed in Today's Ponies,

Rockhoof

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Dear Princess Celestia,

I must say that today's Equestria is much different than what I remember but one thing is still a constant. Outside of one pony, nopony knows how to cure swamp fever. Speaking of that, I have befriended the pony who found the cure and she certainly is a sweet mare, the only real nice one I've met since coming back from limbo.

Sincerely,

Mage Meadowbrook

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Dear Princess Celestia,

What the hell? Those two dragons I had to deal with back in the day are still alive? Why haven't you slayed them yet? I have been talking with Rockhoof and I think I know why. You ponies are weak and finally decided to be friends with them instead of killing them like we did back in the day. I swear, living in modern Equestria is going to be tough but I suppose I will have to deal with it.

Sincerely,

Flash Magnus

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Dear Princess Celesta,

I see how things are down in my hometown and I am not thrilled. All of a sudden Southern Equestria is part of your realm and the pharaoh is no more? I know you probably get a great amount of joy of controlling so many ponies but please, you don't even understand how Southern Equestrians live. We have our own traditions, we have our own holidays and I for one will not bow down to some overgrown glutton who does nothing but make everypony's lives miserable. Give us our independence and maybe I will convince the ponies of my hometown not to declare war on you.

Wanting Independence for My Hometown,

Somnambula

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Dear Somnambula,

You are just as bad as Mist Mane demanding that I give the curvies their independence. It ain't happening and the ponies down there should be happy. Once I took over, I killed that evil sphinx and had meals for a whole week! Your old pharaohs couldn't stop things like that. For me, wiping it out was a piece of cake. Speaking of cake, I just had one delivered to my table so I shall cut this short.

Refusing to Give Southern Equestria It's Independence,

Princess Celestia

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Dear Flash Magnus,

If the ponies back in your day were so tough why the hell didn't you slay those dragons yourselves? Oh I know, it is because you assholes weren't so strong after all, huh? You may have been able to trick the bastards so your comrades could save your fellow soldiers but you sure the hell didn't kill them.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Oh and I just thought I would let you know that your descendant, Flash Sentry, is a complete failure. He has been a guard for years and he still hasn't moved up the ranks. To make matters even worse, he couldn't even get Equestria's ugliest and worst princess in bed on his best day. I suppose the Flash lineage is just as horrible as the history books always said it was!

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Dear Mage Meadowbrook,

Fluttershy a sweet mare? She may act all sweet and innocent but don't let her looks or behavior fool you. She is a cheating little skank, a disgrace to Equestria. Here is the thing, at one time she was the controlling marefriend of none other than Princess Twilight Sparkle. Eventually her lies caught up with her when it was discovered that she had been screwing the vet when they were planning an animal sanctuary.

I could tell by the way you were talking that you were wanting to hook up with her but trust me, that would not be in your best interests. She would pull the same shit she did with Twilight. She would play the sweet, loving, innocent mare card with you but then screw the vet behind your back.

Looking out for You,

Princess Celestia

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Dear Rockhoof,

Yeah, yeah, yeah, so you ponies had it hard, big fucking deal. We have come a long way since your day and our magic is far better, not to mention my sister and I are kick ass Alicorns. Even the unicorns of your time didn't have that good of magic. Yes the whole thing with the volcano was impressive but still, the ponies of your time could never handle today's world. Even unicorns with average power could wipe your kin out so quit with the boasting.

Oh and regarding the horrible creatures thing, do you want me to make a list of the shit we have had to put up with? Let's see, my sister turned evil and had to be reformed, we had a draconeqqus that had to be reformed, we had an evil unicorn king we had to destroy, everypony had their magic stolen by a demonic centaur before he was defeated, Starlight Glimmer caused us a whole host of problems, we have had to defeat the queen of the changelings TWICE and we had to defeat the pony of shadows.

So before you go boasting about how much better ponies were in your time, remember this, all those foes would have destroyed the ponies of your time. It took complex magic to handle those bastards, magic that the ponies of your time did not have.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

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Dear Mist Mane,

You declare war on us? Don't make me laugh you silly little filly! Your kind are so few in number that even that bitchy lavender Alicorn you had to put up with could wipe them out. Hell, that white unicorn you have befriended could take on what is left of you curvies and that doesn't say much for your kind. A friendly reminder, do not threaten to declare war on your superiors, got it?

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

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Dear Starswirl,

Oh yes, Starlight Glimmer....gotta love her, right? I am going to admit, with as powerful and smart as she is, I honestly can't help but wonder if she isn't a descendant of yours. I have never seen another pony outside of my sister and myself with so much power. Did you know that she can swap cutie marks too? She did it to help my sister and I realize that we didn't have life so easy.

Oh and about Twilight, please don't be too much of an asshole towards her, she got cheated on earlier this year so she is bound to be a bit bitchy. Who can blame her though, I would be the same way if I had my heart broken the way she did. If you don't believe me, just get in Fluttershy's face and interrogate her until she spills the beans.

Now regarding you going to have Starlight cast that age regression spell on us, don't even think about it. Yes her magic is powerful but even she couldn't turn two Goddesses back into fillies, especially just so you can put her on the throne as a sole monarch and whether you like it or not, we are not handing those essays in. We will gladly turn in a report on Twilight's extreme appetite for horn sex while she was in my school but about what you wanted, we don't even remember what it was.

On a final note, could you please stay here and teach? Luna sleeps during the day most of the time and I have much better things to do than teach bratty foals, such as feast on cake. Don't worry, the job will pay well and you'll be living the high life so take my offer into consideration.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. I do not hate Equestria! I simply cast that spell on Twilight to not only make her miserable but all of those around her suffer as well. You have to understand, ruling for over a thousand years will turn a pony into a grade A troll. After all, life ultimately becomes boring and you have to do something to get a few laughs.

Speaking of laughs, you'll have to watch this episode of The Iron Will Show that Twilight and her sister-in-law were on, it is hilarious beyond belief!

Comments

[Ri2]

Celestia considers Twilight the ugliest and worst princess? Wow. Some adoptive mother you are, bitch.

And I still do not understand why extending her lifespan is seen as a curse, while giving Starlight immortality is a blessing.

[StormLuna]

9199012

Celestia decided to go back into bitch mode one last time. After this, her days of being a bitch about Twilight are over.