Unpleasant Correspondence

by StormLuna

Molt Down

Dear Princess Celestia,

You're not going to believe this but you know those puberty blockers Twilight has been feeding me since season 2? Well they stopped working and I finally molted. Yep, I finally have my wings and I can fly around like a boss. Even better, I have a fire breath that would put that bastard Garble's to shame!

Now I did have my concerns when this happened because Smolder told me about what happens to dragons when they start to molt out in the dragon lands, their family kicks them out. Naturally I hate being enslaved by Princess Bitchy Pants but hey, she does provide food and shelter for me so even though I'm not free, at least I have a supply of gems coming in.

Oh and guess what, I saved Zecora and Rarity! Now I was really hoping that Rarity would "thank me" in the way a damsel in distress should when she is rescued but oh no, that would be asking for way too much. Want to know what she did, she is now making me use my wings to help her sew her damn dresses together. You know what, if she didn't have the ability to find gems, I would have just let her go splat or let the roc eat her. Luckily Zecora is ok though, had she perished Equestria would have lost a model citizen and we'd have nozebra to make potions for us anymore.

Sincerely,

Spike the Flying Dragon

P.S. Could you force Rarity to teach one of Twilight's old friends her gem finding spell and replace her with one of them. They are all nice but replace her with Twinkleshine, you know how attracted to marshmallows I am.

---

Dear Spike,

What, Twilight has been feeding you puberty blockers? Does she not know how illegal that is? Damn and here I was hoping that her and I could completely repair our relationship but this is a major step backwards. I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with her. Give me an idea as to what should be done, alright.

Always Been Flying,

Princess Celestia

P.S. I am sorry but I will not replace Rarity with Twinkleshine. For years you have wanted Rarity to have some use for you and now that she does, you are bitching about it? What next, is Rarity going to offer to put out for you and you'll bitch about it because she'd make you take part in fashion shows in exchange? Look, just be happy she wants to spend time with you, alright?

Also, Twinkleshine has done nothing to warrant banishment to that dump. I do want you to know that Twinkleshine does have a protector, a very sadistic protector who would rip you to shreds if you tried to do anything to her. Sorry Spikey-Wikey but you're stuck being Rarity's fashion slave.

---

Dear Twilight,

So from what I understand you have been feeding Spike puberty blockers for years. Now I know why it took him so long to finally molt. Now I am going to let you know that I am extremely disappointed in you. I am so disappointed that I may actually have Starlight cast that age-regression spell on you. Hell I'll have her age regress you into a newborn and raise you from there.

Tell me Twily, how would you have felt had I force fed you those things and you would have remained an adorable filly for much longer than you should have? That would have really sucked now wouldn't it? Just be glad this didn't happen prior to you getting your heart broken because I would have had Starlight age regress you back then AND not only ascend her without Goldner's permission but gave her your castle and crown as well.

Now you better apologize to Spike for doing this. Just think, had you not fed him those damn things, he could have became Dragon Lord, abandoned you and probably had Ember as his wife by now!

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

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Dear Princess Celestia,

Look, I thought it was something that all ponies did that had baby dragons as their slaves, I mean assistants. I thought you were supposed to give them those so you'll always have them there to do whatever you wanted. Well thanks to this damn molt he went through, he is more arrogant than ever. Well I suppose it ain't all bad since he has been enslaved by Rarity now. That will give me more time to torture undesirables in peace, well that and go visit my friends up there in Canterlot.

I am now betting that it won't be long until he will want to go to the dragon lands and show up Garble since his breath is so bad he could incinerate Ponyville with one breath. Personally I hope he does. Maybe if Ember sees him strut his stuff like that, she will marry him and I will be rid of him, his ego and his pyro breath.

Hoping to Get Rid of Spike,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

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Dear Spike,

So I understand you are wanting Twinkleshine. Guess what, that ain't going to happen because she is MINE! If you so much as even flirt with her, I'll rip those brand new wings out with my teeth, got it?

Sincerely,

Dr. M. Colgate, D.D.S.

---

Dear Colgate,

Good grief bitch, just calm down already. I simply talked to Celestia about it, it's not like I actually have any plans to try and woo her into my bed!

Sincerely,

Spike

Comments

[StormLuna]

9231290

Just because Fluttershy has a junkie for a friend doesn't mean she is a junkie too!

[Speedy Silverstreak]

Get rid of him. He burned down my classroom filled with apprehension cakes for Celestia

[StormLuna]

9233057

Celestia won't let her get rid of him, EVER!

[Speedy Silverstreak]

9233062
Did I mention he also sent suggestive photos of Celestia to adult magazine makers and tried to seduce some of the students?

[StormLuna]

9234472

This was Twilight trying to make herself sound better than she really was. Also, I would love to know since when medals were given out for 5th place. I really think they could have had her say she took third and made that medal bronze. And Celestia didn't call her out because she didn't show up until after the race and she wanted to at least believe Twilight did something spectacular just once.