Unpleasant Correspondence

by StormLuna

Dragon Quest

Dear Princess Celestia,

Ok, I am going to make an admission and you are probably going to wonder if I'm not some clone and the real me died or something. I made a mistake, a very stupid mistake. I decided that we should all watch the dragon herd fly over our airspace and hope that none decide to stop and go into a coma in a mountaintop cave again. Now all of a sudden Spike has decided he needs to find out what it means to be a dragon. I smacked him and told him it meant he was my slave but that simply wasn't enough.

All night long he bitched and whined and after we could find any information to satisfy his hunger for dragon knowledge, the idiot decided to go out to the dragon lands and find out for himself. Now naturally I was simply going to let him go and contact you about a replacement but my idiot acquaintances just had to insist we follow him. Now I think Rarity MUST have a crush on him because she basically demanded we go. What a shame she wouldn't have offered to put out for him, that would have caused him to stay put in nothing flat.

Good grief, once we got out there I learned that the stupidest creatures on the face of the planet are teenage dragons. Is there some sort of spell that I could cast on him to prevent him from ever aging into such a stupid, undesirable creature? If so, please send it to me because I really don't want to have to wait around for the mail in the event you were to send me a message summoning me up to Canterlot permanently because that is something I certainly wouldn't want to miss.

Now what I don't get is why Spike would wind up wanting to hang around those undesirables forever. Yes they had a decent sized pile of gems but still, the dumb asses would run out and then Spike would go whining about wanting to come home. At that moment I felt like saying, "Fuck this shit, let's go home" but Rarity and Rainbow just wanted to stay around and make sure he came home. After several hours of pleading, I finally decided that my portable mail box served enough of a purpose that he was worth saving.

Ultimately we did save him but I was not thrilled over him initially going to smash a phoenix egg nor was I thrilled with him phoenixnapping the egg afterwards. Once the damn thing was born, it shit all over the place so I made Spike return it to its parents. After this, I decided to lock him up in my dungeon for a few weeks to punish him for causing me so many problems, not to mention me putting my life on the line for the little bastard.

Irritated with My Idiot Dragon,

Twilight Sparkle

---

To My Irritated Student,

I am going to tell you this right now, I am not thrilled that you allowed your slave to go out into the dragon lands like that. I am even less thrilled that you wanted him to go out there alone. I am normally not a fan of Crash or Rarity, I am happy that they wanted the three of you to follow him out there to keep him from falling prey to a much larger dragon.

And like I have said so many times before, if you were to lose Spike like that, I would not give you a replacement nor would I be mailing you a letter telling you to come home, I would however come down there, evict you from the library and force you to be Rarity's full time fashion model since I know you'd love the attention so much. If you honestly think I will ever allow you to come home, you are far dumber than I thought.

Now regarding the spell to keep him from becoming a teenage dragon or at least behaving like one, don't give him stuff or let him start collecting stuff. If that situation involving his birthday and becoming a world class thief didn't teach you anything, nothing will. I will let you know this, once dragons mature past being a baby, they are completely worthless. Once they mature like that, they can't cough up messages anymore nor do they know how to behave or live among us ponies.

Regarding the phoenixnapping, it is a good thing that you made him return that hatchling to its parents. Had you not done so, I would have went out, found the parents and had them attack both of you before having them head for home with their baby. I am glad that Spike finally realized that who he is is more important than what he is. Like I said before, baby dragons are good messengers but once they start to grow up, they are worthless. I will be honest, if you didn't need adult dragons to make more baby dragons, I'd simply kill every dragon that had matured past being a baby.

Irritated With Your Dragon,

Princess Celestia

Comments

[zalokin]

Dear Princess Celestia

Hey, you cake eating maniac, i'm done dealing with your bitch of a student. Since the moment i hatched from my egg, i was forced to be her assistan/slave/chef/janitor and deal with her fucking mental breakdowns. I even have to clean every mess she makes, do i have to wear a fucking maid uniform and call her "mistress" as well?

I was neglected education, i was lucky to have this lavender jerk to teach me, but there are still idiots in this twon that treats me like a retard. They even call me a "lizard", A F@#*! LIZARD!!! Can a lizard breath fire or send/receive the letter where you and Twilight just spend bitching about everything? I DON'T FUCKING THINK SO!!!

I don't even have friends of my own age since i have to tend to Twilight's whims, and not only hers, but also those fucking morons of friends.......And Rarity, my one and only love.

You know what? I'm pissed at you for sending all those letter when that nutjob of Discord raped the laws of physics and logic, my throat was bleeding for days after that. Speaking of injuries, i'm abused!! I was used a dummy during Crash and Cowgirl (Applejack) contest, hay is not as soft as they make you think! My back is a whole mess since i let Rarity used me as a pin cushion, i don't complain since i'd do anything for that mare. I have to deal with PETA's damn rabbit and Pinkie's pranks, on top of all that, those assholes let me almost freeze to death during Twilight's first winter wrap up.......I'M A DAMN COLD BLOODED CREATURE!!! BEING EXPOSED TO EXTREME COLD TEMPERATURES COULD LEAD TO MY DEATH!!!! I was also used as a drill, thrown against walls, pushed to a pile of gems and into a lava pit!

So you better give me health insurance or you can move you fatass from that throne and start sending these letters through the postal service, but with that retarded mare i doubt we'd get them.

Your abused and pissed dragon,

Spike

To my abused and pissed dragon

You think i give a shit about you? You were destined to be the slave of the filly or colt that could hatch your egg, so never forget your place, you damn lizard. Be lucky that i let Twilight teach you to talk, read, write and what i taught you to be her #1 slave in order to do the chores she tells you to do.

You could have friends if you didn't spend every second of your life trying to win the heart of that bitch/drama queen of Rarity. She is a slut that gets what she wants with a wink and wiggle of her fat flank, she even flirted with Fancy Pants when she was here trying to impress the snobs.

Ohhhhhhhh!!!! So you have the balls to threat me? Listen to me, and listen carefully. I OWN YOUR SCALY ASS, YOU KNOW WHY? CAUSE I STOLE YOUR DAMN EGG, SO THAT MAKES YOU MINE!!! IF YOU EVER TRY TO DEFY MY AUTHORITY OR DEMAND HEALTH INSURANCE, I WILL LOCK YOU UP IN MY PERSONAL DUNGEON SO ME AND MY SISTER CAN HAVE FUN WITH YOU!! Especially since mate season is around the corner, the safe word is BANANA

YOUR DOMINATRIX MISTRESS

Princess Heatlestia (Heatlestia, just came up with it)