Unpleasant Correspondence

by StormLuna

Tanks for the Memories

Dear Princess Bitchlestia,

Ok, I have come to the conclusion that Crash is nothing more than a sentimental crybaby. I had always believed that she was a narcissistic cunt who loved nopony but herself and now that winter is coming, she is devastated. Want to know why she was devastated? She was devastated because her pet turtle, tortoise or whatever the fuck it is is going to hibernate. Oh my goodness, we have faced all sorts of evils, everything from a demonic centaur to a disgruntled draconeqqus to a wannabe dictator but this is causing her to have a mental breakdown.

Want to know what is more pathetic? Winters down here usually only last for a few days so she is becoming suicidal over her pet going to take a slightly longer than normal nap. Now I wanted to laugh over her problems but given that PETA Girl is as much of a sentimental crybaby as she is, I thought otherwise because I don't want her thinking I'm too bad!

Now I do think you need to fine her or punish her in one way or another because in her pathetic attempt to delay what might be a week long nap at most, she damaged millions of bits in weather equipment. Now that is another issue I have. You see, had you and Luna not cast that stupid spell so long ago, tax money would not be wasted on unnecessary weather equipment nor would pensions being paid to those pegasi be bankrupting the country. Perhaps someday I can study enough to actually reverse that spell and make Equestria great again, or should I say finally great since you have always kept it from reaching its full potential.

Unfortunately, Crash survived sitting by Tank's sleeping hole for a week before we finally got rid of winter, much more quickly thanks to me. What a shame winter didn't last three months and she would have froze to death. If that were the case, I would have sent you a request for a replacement and suggested either Twinkleshine or Minuette since they are the hottest.

Wishing Crash Had Died,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

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Dear Princess Celestia,

You know, I am honestly beginning to think that things might be better if you cast a spell to alter the climate so that it stays warmer in the lower elevations and we just get rain instead of snow and cold. You have no idea how lonely I was without Tank by my side. I had to miss a pony/pet play date because I didn't have a pet. Tell you what, I'll even become Twilight's sex slave if it means that Tank won't have to hibernate anymore.

About the damage to the weather equipment, could you please let me off the hook because I was mentally unstable at the time and simply not thinking.

Your Loyal Subject,

Rainbow Dash

P.S. Just think of all the outdoor activities that we could do for Hearth's Warming. We could do water skiing, we could play water polo, we could have track meets and we could do it without risking frostbite. On top of that, we wouldn't have to worry about Winter Wrap Up ever again! Yeah it made for a catchy song but otherwise it is nothing but a pain in the ass. Please take all of this into consideration and get back to me.

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Dear Princess Twibitch,

Wow, I never once imagined that the most narcissistic of your acquaintances would go into so much despair over her pet having to hibernate, much less just for a week. Now I know you probably think she is a liability because of her mental instability but I really don't want to deprive you of her presence because I know how much you love her. Now even if I did replace her, it would not be with who you would want. I would find the one pegasus who is worse than her, Lightning Dust, and send her down there. I'm sure the two of you would get along perfectly.

Now I am not thrilled that you are thinking that anything from the old days of Ponyland are better than things are in Equestria are today. Yes they didn't need pegasi to change the weather for them but they did have droughts in some areas rather often and other areas would get flooded by nasty storms every single year. I will admit, having to pay pegasi to control the weather is annoying but it beats the financial disasters that floods and droughts bring with them.

Now I know you truly are a cold, heartless bitch given how you reacted to Crash's sadness over her pet going to hibernate. I am honestly thinking of talking to your parents about this and seeing if they raised you to be like this or if maybe those books up in your old study tower corrupted you because I sure the hell didn't nor did your old friends.

Disgusted by You,

Princess Celestia

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Dear Crash,

Ok, I get it. I get it that you were devastated that your pet tortoise was going to have to hibernate for a week but it certainly doesn't warrant you causing millions of bits of damage to weather equipment nor does it warrant you bringing winter early to Ponyville but don't worry about having to pay for it, I'll just bill Twilight's parents since they aren't hurting for money.

Now I am thinking that before next winter comes, I will hire a counselor to help you through the tough times but don't worry about paying for it, I'll just bill Twilight's parents for it as well since they pay for all of Twilight's "mistakes." Now regarding you becoming Twilight's sex slave to stop Tank from hibernating, it won't work. She has no power over the weather and she doesn't find you attractive in the first place, Princess Bitchy Pants only has eyes for the spa twins, Cadence, her old friends and PETA Girl.

Regarding your suggestion involving keeping winter confined to the higher elevations, I think that is an absolutely splendid idea! I am quite sure that Luna will like it too because I know she really wishes her Winter Moon Celebration would take place when it is warmer so ponies will actually show up for it and I do think it would be fun to have the Hearth's Warming Eve play outside.

You know what, I have decided that I will talk to Luna about it and we will do everything in our power to make your request a reality. Both of us hate winter anyway and I'm certain that everypony will be thanking us but just to spite Twilight, I will make sure that Equestria knows it was your idea and they will worship you and make her jealous.

Hoping I Can Fulfill Your Request,

Princess Celestia

Comments

[aline1]

Princess Celestia protests too much.

[Ri2]

...Why are Twilight's parents being forced to pay for Rainbow's blunder? Shouldn't Rainbow's parents be doing it?

How are Twilight's parents affording all this, anyway?