Unpleasant Correspondence

by StormLuna

Trade Ya!

Dear Princess Lazy Ass,

I'm a new princess and yet you send me out to some traders' exchange just so I could settle disputes between idiots who think trades are unfair? Look, I had a full weekend in the steam room planned and yet I have to cut it short over something you could have either done yourself or sent Luna or Cadence to do? I swear, you have to be the laziest princess of all time. You can't handle villains on your own nor can you even do something as simple as a traders' exchange. Hell, I'm surprised you don't need me to come up there and wipe your ass for you as well.

Now I will admit that I was thrilled when everypony flocked to me and worshiped me like I was the best thing in the world. I suppose maybe I should be happy that you sent me to this because nothing feels better than being worshiped but that doesn't negate the fact that you are a lazy bitch who sits up there and does nothing but stuff your face with cake and screw my old friends.

For the most part this was boring as hell until I had to fix things when Crash wanted a Daring Do book so bad that she wound up trading away PETA Girl for it. Given that Fluttershy constantly rejects my advances and won't let me initiate her, I shouldn't have allowed the trade to be called off but I did because I still think that maybe someday she will let me initiate her, or better yet, become something more special.

Wanting Fluttershy (Still),

Princess Twilight Sparkle

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Dear Princess Celestia,

I can't believe I'm saying this but for once I have to agree with Twilight. Rainbow Dash needs to be replaced. That disloyal bitch nearly succeeded in trading me away for a book. Seriously, she wanted to trade me away for a fucking book! Now I don't know how you would do it or who you would replace her with, just get her the hell out of here. Disloyalty is something that needs to be punished and punished severely! Perhaps lunar banishment for a few eons would be appropriate for her.

Oh and as far as replacing her, send down Twinkleshine so she could do what Twilight can't, initiate me. I've seen her a few times and she is incredibly hot, so hot she makes me wet. If not her, the blue one would work too because she isn't bad herself either. To be honest, I'd even settle for the yellow one if it meant some other unicorn could get to me before Twilight does.

Wanting Some Other Unicorn to Initiate Me,

Fluttershy

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Dear Princess Celestia,

I know it was wrong of me to try and trade Fluttershy for a Daring Do book but I did realize that I was wrong before it was too late so it isn't all bad, right? Surprisingly, Fluttershy isn't real mad at me but Twibitch is still pretty mad that I nearly traded away a pony that she constantly stalks. Whatever punishment you have planned for me I will accept it because I deserve it.

Sorry I Tried to Trade Fluttershy for a Book,

Rainbow Dash

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To Princess Bitchy Ass,

Oh for the love of Faust, ponies adore you, or at least pretend to, and you still bitch about it? Good grief, I am honestly beginning to think that nothing short of being the sole monarch in this land will get you to shut up, and that would only be if you had Fluttershy as your slave.

Now I am going to say that I am glad that you halted that trade involving Fluttershy and that book. Had you allowed that to go through, not only would I have made you immortal, but I would have found five ponies that you are far less compatible with, made them immortal too and cursed them upon you for all eternity.

Oh and I'm going to tell you this AGAIN. Don't count on ever initiating Fluttershy. To her, you are nothing more than a whiny bitch and she must not find you all that attractive to start with. If she did, she may have at least flirted with you a bit or if you were lucky, gave you a kiss on the cheek. Oh well, you have the spa twins so you should be happy.

Your Vastly Superior Monarch,

Princess Celestia

P.S. You aren't even worthy of wiping my ass so don't worry about it, I won't make you do that.

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Dear Fluttershy,

I know you are upset that Crash tried to trade you away for a book and think she needs to be replaced but that ain't going to happen. I figure that the worst punishment that I could dish out on her would be forcing her to stay there and have to put up with Twilight and her bitchiness.

Oh and regarding those old friends of Twilight's, I don't think they would be interested in you. I know how those three are and they like their horn sex way too much to give a non-unicorn a chance. I know you think they're hot and they think of you as nice eye candy but as far as bagging them, it ain't going to happen.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

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Dear Crash,

I am appalled that you would try to trade Fluttershy away over a damn book. Hell with a friend like you, who the hell needs enemies? Now I have received various suggestions for how to punish you but I'm thinking that I should force you to move in with Twilight for a week. That should be more than enough punishment for both of you and if you pull this shit again, I'll force you to live with her for the rest of your miserable, pathetic days.

Disgusted With You,

Princess Celestia

Comments

[Love able chaos]

Damn I forgot that's what happened in that episode. Dashie what the fuck?!