The Last Roundup
Dear Princess Celestia,
Ok, I have learned that this pathetic town will make a big deal out of everything. Get this, they decided to give Applejack a big send off because she is going to a rodeo. Yep, they are giving her a big send off over a fucking rodeo. What about me? Why don't I get fancy send offs when I have to come up there and put up with your shit? I'd say that would be far more send off worthy than a rodeo!
Not only that, but thanks to a pegasus who likes destroying things with thunderclouds, Applejack offered to use her winnings to fix town hall. Yeah that seems like shit to me but she is too damn generous. If she had an ounce of common sense, she would have told the mayor to bill Derpy since she is the one who destroyed it, either that or raise the wealthy ponies' taxes down here, it's not like they'd miss it anyway.
A week later we got a letter informing us that Applejack wasn't coming home and I was thrilled! Finally, I believed that I could perhaps get you to either replace her or even better, let me come home so I could be with my real friends, not just a bunch of ponies I have to spend too much time with against my will.
Come to find out, Applejack was all pissy because she didn't win any money up at that rodeo in Canterlot and decided to run off and hide because she was afraid the mayor would sue her for not winning money to fix town hall. What an idiot, if she had an ounce of sense she would know the mayor wouldn't sue her over not winning anything. If she was going to sue anypony, it would likely be the ditz that used a thundercloud to destroy the roof.
As it turned out, my overly paranoid acquaintance took a job as a lowly laborer at some cherry orchard in the middle of nowhere, in a place that was almost as horrible as the place Applejack's moronic cousin lives. Now I had no desire to go and retrieve her but I could see the Apple Family was distraught and while I am a grade A bitch most of the time, I didn't want to see them be without their loved one so I swallowed my pride and we went to retrieve her. So you see, I'm not all bad!
In my bid to try and get her to get her ass home so her family doesn't commit suicide and the apple farm won't go under, I degraded myself by taking on a job at the same cherry orchard. Yes it was something that was way below me, well below me along with every other unicorn but desperate times called for desperate measures.
Eventually we learned that she stunk it up at a rodeo and was ashamed to come home without any blue ribbons. So fucking what, why the hell would it matter if she won anything or not? That right there is proof that she is full of way too much pride to even give a shit about her apple farm and needs to be replaced by Twinkleshine or one of my other friends.
After a sappy reunion back home between her and her family, I just had to go and unwind. Seeing such happy things going on between inferiors is so repulsive. Luckily for me, after some private time at the spa, that was all forgotten.
Your Sappy Moment Hating Student,
Twilight Sparkle
To My Sappy Moment Hating Student,
I would love to know something, why would you travel out to some hellhole and degrade yourself in an attempt to bring home a pony you can barely tolerate? I get it, you do these things so that maybe I will think you've learned enough about friendship to come home, right? I however, know the real reason. You do it so you can continue to bitch about it in your letters to me.
I don't get why you are complaining about her running away over not winning any blue ribbons given how you constantly cry, whine and complain about not being able to initiate PETA girl into your friendship circle. Hell maybe if you invite her to the spa for a four-way, maybe she will be more open to being your friend.
Now I do find it funny that you would degrade yourself into becoming a lowly grunt at a cherry orchard though. Maybe, just maybe you are starting to realize that you aren't this prize rooster that is too good to do any actual work. From the way things sound, from the sounds of things I'm sure that once you get this taken care of, you'll be back to your prissy, too good to do any work, self.
Now I would love to know why you hate moments of a family being reunited with a member they thought they would never see again? Is it because you don't have anypony who loves you like Applejack's relatives love her or is it just because you are a bitch who enjoys seeing others suffer. I am quite sure of one thing, if the spa twins went missing you'd likely be begging those acquaintances to help you find them and once you did, you'd certainly have a sappy moment to celebrate their return.
Oh, and tell Applejack not to worry. I just seized your parents' bank accounts to fix that roof because there is no need for a hardworking pony to be under so much stress.
Your Account Seizing Overlord,
Princess Celestia
P.S. Even had Applejack gone AWOL permanently, I would not have let you come home nor would I have sent one of your old friends down there to take her place. None of them have pissed me off enough to banish them like I did you.
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I am beginning suspect this Celestia deliberately screws up her personal students minds just so she can mess with them and their families.
Good lord Twi's parents have to be beyond broke now. Not even bankruptcy can save them (Cause Celestia would just deny them that and laugh as they live on the street in poverty possibly dying of some disease).
8941067
They aren't that bad off and Celestia wouldn't tax them into oblivion, well yet anyway....and she wouldn't want them dying of some disease on the street because she wouldn't want other ponies catching it.
8941066
Only her proteges! The real reason Sunset ran away is not what is depicted in the comics, it is because Celestia trolled her beyond her breaking point and punished her family monetarily over the tiniest little things.
8941683
Hey. I already have a feud with Celestia going on about the gelding population in Equestria. We don't have good chemistry
8941704
Gelding population, eh? One fun question, is Prince Blueblood a gelding?
8941778
Once. But in reality he was a undercover for the AGO and married to Applejack.
Yeah.....Faust gave Celestia night terrors since then. She talked with her daughter for awhile.
8941795
That isn't overly nice of Faust to do that to Celestia! What did she do to deserve the night terrors?
8941950
Gelded majority of the stallion population of Equestria for a 1000+ years for satanic rituals.
To my bitching student
Since you don't stop bitching about being in that God forsaken town, being forced to put up with those morrons every single day, begging me to reeplace them with you "real" friends, threating me to ovethrone me and my sister, i have decided to give you the most hard punishment.
I've decided to take the spa twins here to Canterlot, having them please me like the royal trolling dictator that i am. And i must say, I HAVE NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY WHOLE LIFE!!!
So i hope you enjoy your life without them.
Your Goddess,
Princess Celestia
To my "Goddess"
So, is that how you wanted to play? FINE!!! I was already tired of living in this hellhole, so while you were in one of your cake orgies, i snuck up into Starswirl's archives and found a spell to ascend myself into alicorn, so you can bet your fatass that i will come for you and your sister, make both of you my sex slaves, take back the spa twins, and rule Equestria with iron hoof
Your future mistress,
Twilight Sparkle
(This came to me just right now O_O)
9458174
And I find it quite hilarious!
Why do her parents always get punished?
9671638
Because Celestia likes taking their money, she gets a lot of laughs out of it.