• Published 14th Apr 2018
  • 4,866 Views, 1,441 Comments

Unpleasant Correspondence - StormLuna



After sending Twilight to Ponyville, Princess Celestia demands letters from her but when Twilight starts to complain, Celestia becomes unhappy and replies to her letters in her own way.

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Surf and/or Turf

Dear Apple Bloom,

Seriously, your friends can't even make up their minds on where they like better and you three can't help me figure out where I should live? I swear, I think having that Tirek guy I've heard so many bad things about coming and giving me advice would have been more effective than Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo arguing all the damn time. You know something Apple Bloom, I don't get how you can tolerate those two. Sweetie Belle seems to be a bitch and Scootaloo isn't a whole lot better.

I have some advice for you, go do your missions solo from now on. Let Sweetie Belle stay here and live in Harmonizing Heights and let Scootaloo stay in Seaquestria since my mother suddenly thinks she is the most adorable thing ever and suddenly wants to adopt her. Hell I think that would be the best because that orphan could certainly use a caring parent. Trust me, you could do just fine without those two. They are a liability and I strongly advise you toss them out like yesterday's newspaper.

Sincerely,

Terramar


Terramar,

I would love to but we kind of have this crazy cutie mark bond that formed when we helped a bitch in my class realize that she shouldn't be such a worthless little whore anymore. I swear, the more I think about it the more lucky I think you hippogriffs are. You don't have to experience social anxiety over getting a cutie mark nor do you wind up being bound to a couple of idiots because of a cutie mark bond.

Speaking of cutie mark bonds, you know that bitchy lavender Alicorn that came with us? Well she has something similar to that except her and her friends have done things like save Equestria while my "friends" and I have only gone as far as helping creatures solve their problems. What is the worst though is that this huge white Alicorn who is the biggest bitch in Equestria can't even take a little joke. My friends and I printed one little thing about her gluttony when it comes to eating cake and we're on her permanent shit list.

You know what, screw it. If my friends are moving away from Celestia's constant watch, so am I. Now I have a big question for you. Where should I live? Should I join Scootaloo in Seaquestria or should I join Sweetie Bitch, I mean Sweetie Belle up in Harmonizing Heights?

Relocating Out Here,

Apple Bloom


Dear Princess Celestia,

Well my friends and I helped this hippogriff with his problem and now we are having a problem of our own. You see, the three of us want to relocate out here. Thanks to the magic of this pearl thingy, the griffs can turn anypony into a seapony so Scootaloo has decided to relocate to Seaquestria while Sweetie Belle wants to live up on Mount Aris because of this place known as Harmonizing Heights. Now I am really conflicted. Do I come home to Ponyville, do I stay out here and live on Mount Aris with Sweetie Belle, do I move to Seaquestria with Scootaloo or do I simply go back and forth to be with both of my friends?

Wondering Where I Should Live,

Apple Bloom


Dear Apple Bloom,

I have the best suggestion for you. Stay out there! Hell I will even go to Sweet Apple Acres, pack up your belongings and deliver them to you personally if you stay there! Now regarding Mount Aris and Seaquestria, I would advise you go back and forth so you can visit both of them.

Happy You Want to Leave Equestria,

Princess Celestia

P.S. A word of advice though, don't go printing libelous claims about Queen Novo. I'm not sure exactly how she would punish you but I'm pretty sure you wouldn't like it.


Dear Princess Celestia,

I don't know what to do but the cutie mark cult is wanting to stay out here! Sweetie Belle wants to stay on Mount Aris while Scootaloo wants to live in Seaquestria since swimming is like flying and Apple Bloom has decided to stay down here as well. What am I going to tell their families? I know they will be upset and I know Crash will be devastated that the only pony who has ever truly given a shit about her will be living underwater far, far, far away from her.

What do you think I should do?

Wondering What I Should Do,

Princess Twilight Sparkle


Dear Twilight,

Just come home and tell their relatives that the three were eaten by a sea monster, alright. Just to make sure they don't go looking for them, tell them that you saw it swallow them whole. That way we will never have to deal with the little bitches who drug both our names through the mud! It's a win win right?

Glad the CMC Aren't Coming Home,

Princess Celestia

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