Unpleasant Correspondence

by StormLuna

A Trivial Pursuit

Dear Princess Celestia,

You know what? I am pissed, very pissed. I had a chance to win three consecutive trivial trots or whatever the fuck they call it but since the teams are randomly chosen, I wound up getting stuck with the absolute worst team mate ever, Pinkie Pie. Yep, I got stuck with Pinkie and her immature personality and completely clueless flank. I knew from the moment that we were chosen as a team that my chances of three-peating were next to none.

No matter what I tried, which included keeping the bell away from her, she just had to ruin things for me. She broke rules and even got our score into the negative for a bit until I was able to take more control of the situation. Even then though, things still didn't go so well because I was always afraid that she would do something to fuck up and I lost my concentration. Eventually she got disqualified but then Sunburst became my team mate and I was even madder at him.

Get this, the sorry bastard then took the bell away from me because he thought I was frazzled. The nerve of that little bastard. Just because my mane and tail got messy is no sign that I was not prepared. Now I know why Starlight wouldn't want anything to do with him besides just her being a lesbian, he is a know it all asshole who thinks he has to be in charge. I am thinking that perhaps there needs to be a rule that only Ponyville residents should be allowed to take part in this. I also think that ponies that fall below a certain level of maturity need to be kept out of this as well.

Now in the end I welcomed Pinkie back and we had to start over from zero so we lost but I suppose you could say I learned a friendship lesson, "Don't shit on your friends or it will come back to bite you in the ass." Whatever though, after the competition Sunburst didn't smell quite right so I searched him and he had drugs on him. Now what I did after that made Starlight and Trixie both very happy, I took him down to my dungeon and tortured him. Hell Starlight and Trixie joined me and we had a ton of fun and after that, I left him strapped in a chair down there and Starlight, Trixie and I went to my sleeping chambers and had a whole lot more fun.

So if you wind up hearing from Cadence bitching about her crystaller going missing, just know he is being tortured by very capable hooves!

Torturing Sunburst Like a Boss,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

---

Dear Princess Twilight,

Holy shit Twilight, I haven't received a letter like this from you in ages! I must say, I am impressed that you can see Pinkie's flaws for what they are and are realizing again that she is an immature moron. I am not pleased though that not only did you basically forfeit that game but that you would give an idiot like her a second chance. I know some of what happened and I think anypony would have made a better replacement than taking that little failure back. Now why the hell would yo do that? You start being rational for the first time in years and then suddenly you start to feel bad for an idiot and apologize like a total loser....and then you proceed to lose the game and not three-peat.

You know something, Starlight told me about how bad you got with this and I am going to say this, "You, Twilight Sparkle, are an arrogant, overly competitive bitch." You have constantly bitched about Crash and her overly competitive nature and her desire to win all the time since you first met her but now here you go and pull a Crash? That is pretty pathetic, you Crash and Twilight in the same day? I am sure of one thing though, my dau....I mean Starlight would never have freaked out over a competition like this. Then again though, she doesn't think she has to win at every single thing involving academics either. As long as she can beat you in a magic competition, which is always, she is content and happy.

I am however happy that you searched Sunburst and finally discovered drugs on him. I am also glad that you, Starlight and Trixie tortured him. I always wondered for so long why the hell you didn't search him. I thought maybe you had a horrible flaw in you that would have warranted me de-winging you, stripping you of your title, removing the longevity spell from you and giving everything to Starlight. I guess you are worth keeping as a princess after all.

Oh and one other thing, you are so adorable and precious when you freak out. From what I understand, your mane and tail got just as bad as it did when you freaked out over the friendship letter. It is a good thing that Starlight and Trixie were having fun in her trailer when that happened because had they seen you in that horrid state, they likely never would have put out for you again. In the future Twilight, when something like this comes along, just take the Snails approach and don't think about it, alright?

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

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Twilight,

You know what, you are a complete bitch. I thought that we would have fun as a team but all you cared about was winning. I don't care that you took me back in the end and pretended to have fun because I know deep down you were mad as hell. You always bitch about Dashie wanting to win all the time but because it was something academic, you just had to win didn't you? With conceited, self-entitled arrogant bitches like you as a friend, who the hell needs enemies? I'm done playing this trivia game Twilight. Next time around you won't have to worry about me ruining your precious chances of winning, ok?

Upset,

Pinkie Pie

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Dear Screw Up,

You know what, I could have been the first pony to three-peat but thanks to your stupidity and immaturity, that did not happen. You have no idea how badly I want to haul you down to my dungeon and torture you for this. You better be glad Sunburst had drugs on him or I would have hauled you down there. Now I am happy that you won't be trying to play this again because I can't afford to have a loser like you on my side if I want to get back to my winning ways.

Always Smarter than You,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

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Dear Princess Twilight,

I want to know something, I want to know if you know what happened to Sunburst. He went down to Ponyville to take part in a trivial trot or something like that and now he is nowhere to be found. I have put up fliers all over Equestria but nothing. If you see him, I would very much appreciate you let him know that a mare is nearing term up here and we need him up here for when the foal is born.

Thanks,

Princess Cadence

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Dear Bootie Call,

You write me over something menial like that? I do need to let you know something though, plastering fliers like that all over Equestria is highly illegal and is punishable by either 10 years on the moon or a whole month of me and my Canterlot friends being extra rough with you. I have decided that yours shall be the latter. Now don't worry, I took down all those lost dog fliers you put up and took them to the recycling center. Now regarding Sunbust or whatever the fuck his name is, I haven't seen him. Now get your ass down here or my friends and I will turn you into our permanent sex slave, GOT IT?

Ready to Punish You,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

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Hi Girls,

I just thought you should know that I am going to be bringing up a very sexy present for all of us to punish for a whole month! You see, my bootie call Cadence has been a bad girl and has plastered lost dog fliers all over Equestria. Now there is something I want all of you to do. Minuette and Twinkleshine, I know you two have those horn enhancement spells and I want you to cast it not just on yourselves, but also Moondancer, Lemon Hearts and myself when I bring my bootie call up there. After all, our horns aren't big enough to inflict massive amounts of pain on her. I look forward to seeing you soon and don't worry, I have a horn cap to put on Cadence so she won't cause us any problems. See you soon!

Ready for Us to Punish Cadence,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

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Dear Princess Twilight,

Sweet! We have always wanted to punish her in that way and now our dream can come true! Don't worry, we'll cast those spells on our horns now so we can haul her ass into your old study tower the second you bring her here. We have seen those lost dog fliers up here and good grief that thing is ugly! I think it said the dog went by the name of Sunbust, Sunblast or something like that. Well we haven't seen it and given how ugly it is, if we see it we will just put it out of its misery. Now you better bring Cadence up here ASAP or she won't be the only one we punish!

See You Soon,

Minuette, Moondancer, Twinkleshine and Lemon Hearts

Comments

[StormLuna]

9787704

Well had Twilight actually taken the heart to Cadence, she would have....well sort of anyway. There would have been a post-test special exam that she would have to have passed involving initiating a yellow pegasus that she would have failed.

[ThePinkedWonder]

Almost got it slip that Starlight's your daughter, didn't you Sunbutt?

I can't wait until it's finally revealed! Preferably with Starlight getting her wings in the process.

[StormLuna]

9820435

Trust me, it will happen that way. I know she won't be ascended in the show so it will happen in the post-series specials where I will have full control, not having to worry about future episodes.....and Tia has pretty much been admitting it for quite some time.