• Published 14th Apr 2018
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Unpleasant Correspondence - StormLuna



After sending Twilight to Ponyville, Princess Celestia demands letters from her but when Twilight starts to complain, Celestia becomes unhappy and replies to her letters in her own way.

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A Dog and Pony Show

Dear Princess Celestia,

I swear, I have come to the conclusion that Spike will do just about anything to get Rarity in bed. Flirting hasn't worked so he has decided he will go out and help her find gems in the wastelands since some overrated pop-star needs fancy, hideous outfits for her next tour. Now for the big question, will he knock Rarity up or will I have to listen to him whine like a colt who learned his crush is a lesbian?

Like I said, he had to go out into the wastelands to help Rarity gather gems and did you know that there are diamond dogs that live out there? I suppose that this dump is even beneath their living standards, maybe I should move out there and get away from all the drama of this place.

For what was funny, Rarity wound up getting abducted by those creatures that are only bested by me and the spa twins and get this, Spike came running to my acquaintances and I crying about Rarity being pulled down a hole in the ground. The other four were extremely concerned but I figured that if one of them screwed her and knocked her up, maybe they'd get married and Spike's fragile heart would be crushed forever.

Just to placate these losers you cursed upon me I headed out to rescue the diva but damn they dug a lot of holes. Just as I said, "Screw this" and began to leave, Fluttershy promised me that I could initiate her if I stayed so I decided, "Sure, why not." After a couple failed attempts and Spike fantasizing about rescuing and screwing his crush, we finally got underground.

Ugh, what a horrid place. Granted it was better than Ponyville but still, it isn't nice like Canterlot! My former bootie-calls weren't there and the air was stale so strike this place off my list of future residences, well that and the current inhabitants proved themselves to be just as unworthy of life as most everypony else I have to put up with.

Here is why they are unworthy of life, they wound up kidnapping Rarity but once she drove them nuts with her hideous whining, not only did they let her go but they give us six mine carts of gems to take with us. If they had even an ounce of sense they would have kept the gems and put Rarity in a stew so you could send Twinkleshine down.

Oh well, I suppose everything turned out good for everypony except me. Rarity got those outfits made for Sapphire Shores and Spike didn't lose his crush. I do have some advice though, tax Rarity on those gems she harvested from Equestrian soil, I could use a much bigger library.

In Need of More Space,

Twilight Sparkle


Dear Princess Celestia,

Those Diamond Dogs are downright dreadful! Those ruffians kidnapped me, drug me down into a dirt pit and made me find them gems! Even worse, one of them smacked my flank and called me a mule! I think you really need to punish them for this, I am an Element bearer after all!"

Sincerely,

Rarity


To My Space Lacking Student,

I honestly think you need to keep Spike contained to that underground torture chamber of yours. You do know that unless Rarity had a permit, which I'm sure she didn't, to harvest those gems that she....I mean you....will have to pay me for illegally harvesting natural resources out of Equestrian soil.

I'm going to let you in on something, with the way you have been behaving I have come to the conclusion that those diamond dogs are more deserving of life than anypony except myself and Luna. Now as far as you relocating to the badlands, forget it. I seriously doubt the Diamond Dogs want to have to put up with you and your constant bitching. Hell I wouldn't curse you upon griffons or even the hydra in that frog infested swamp, that is how truly terrible you are to me.

I'll admit, those diamond dogs are pretty pathetic if they let Rarity leave with all those gems. I'll be sure to go out there with the vet and have them sterilized tomorrow. We certainly don't need such stupid creatures reproducing now do we? All I can say is thank Faust you're a lesbian because I really don't want you reproducing either.

On a final note, you CAN NOT have Twinkleshine, got it?

Wishing you'd shut up,

Princess Celestia

P.S. You can not have a new library, ok? You should be glad I didn't make you live in the forest or even worse, live with Rarity and her whining.


Dear Rarity,

Tell that to somepony who actually gives a shit, alright? Oh by the way, I'm taxing you for those gems. Please make a check payable to The Equestrian Revenue Service in the sum of 500,000 bits by next Friday or I will have to seize your boutique to make up for what you owe.

Not caring about your problems,

Princess Celestia

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