Unpleasant Correspondence

by StormLuna

The Big Mac Question

Dear Big Mac and Sugar Belle,

Let me start out by saying that I am very happy for you. Never once did I think I would be happy for a straight couple getting married but you two are an exception. Both of you are hard working, honest and honorable ponies. The two of you are what I would classify as model citizens of Equestria.

Now I know that the events leading up to your proposal and subsequent marriage were very chaotic and downright hilarious, yes I was spying from my balcony. Your wedding however was very touching and for the first time since Bright Mac and Pear Butter got married, I shed tears of joy over a wedding. I am sorry that I was unable to make it but you know how princess life can be, full of meetings and other things that take me away from events I would rather attend.

May your days together be long and happy. Again, congratulations you two. I am so happy for you and if you ever decide to have foals, I will be sure and attend the foal showers and shower you with lavish gifts.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Sugar Belle, I know your specialty is primarily pies but do you think you could try and make me an apple cake? I don't know if that is possible but if you at least try, I will pay you top dollar for it. After all, you and Big Mac deserve nothing but the best.

---

Dear Princess Celestia,

Thank you for allowing us to have that final hetero marriage license you will issue for the decade. You have no idea how much it meant to us when you contacted us after the proposal and said it had our names on it. Both of us have always heard what an uncaring, spiteful pony you could be, especially from Twilight but this is proof that you are not. This is proof that you are a caring, nice pony who only wants the best for her subjects.

It is a shame that you were unable to attend but we know that you were really busy. We are happy though that you are happy for us. Even Applejack has brought up how you hate sappy moments but now we think that was all just a front you put up to make yourself look tough. This right here is proof that you do have feelings like everypony else in Equestria.

Don't worry, we will notify you when baby showers come along because we can tell you are looking forward to the little ones if we decide to have any.

Sincerely,

Big Mac and Sugar Belle

P.S. Oh and about the apple cake, I can try but I can't guarantee it will be any good. You do know that I would do it for free for you but if you're willing to pay, I won't turn it down. - Sugar Belle

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Dear Princess Twilight,

I know you, Rarity, Starlight, Trixie and Cadence were up here having fun in your old study tower but I thought I would share what you missed down in Ponyville. Big Mac and Sugar Belle have been dating for a while as you know but something truly wonderful happened. They proposed to one another and then got married. Yes I let them have that final hetero marriage license but let me tell you why.

I gave it to them because unlike you, both of them are honorable, honest hard working ponies, basically model citizens of Equestria. Their ceremony was so touching, it was in the same place where Big Mac's parents got married. I couldn't attend it but I did spy on it from my balcony and even I had tears running down my face I was so happy for them.

Now as a princess who is higher ranked than you, I am issuing an executive order that you give them something special. Whether it be something the two of them can use or money that I know you have stashed away, I don't care. Just make sure their many happy and wonderful days start out with a gift from a pony who does not understand such happiness and never will. Either you do it or my sister and I won't retire OR you will remain a subordinate princess and I shall put my favorite on the throne after I see to it that she is ascended.

Happy for Big Mac and Sugar Belle,

Princess Celestia

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To an Overly Sentimental Wimp,

What the actual fuck? You have been nothing short of a cold, uncaring bitch for as long as I have known you and all of a sudden a fucking wedding between a mare and a stallion made you cry? You know what Tia, this is proof that you are nothing more than a weak link, a weak link that I will purge once I am rightfully ascended to the throne and crown myself Goddess-Queen of Equestria. You, your lazy sister, your precious little daughter and her lousy marefriend will all be forced to leave Equestria.

You may have allowed this and got all sappy over it but let me tell you this, once I'm dictator, I mean queen, I will dissolve that marriage and take Sugar Belle for myself. Why will I do this? Hey I have nothing against Big Mac but I will do it solely to spite you. I can not be allowing a hetero marriage involving a mare I find hot to exist! Trust me though, you think there were very few hetero licenses issued under you, there will be even fewer issued by me. Only the ugliest mares that I find repulsive will ever be allowed to marry a stallion.

Oh and if you think I'm going to go giving those two any gifts, you must be dumber than I thought. I will not give any kind of gift to a straight couple, EVER. Hell I don't even give anniversary gifts to my parents anymore because I find my mom hot and once I ascend to my rightful position, I'll force her into the harem I plan on forming as well whether she wants to join it or not!

Equestria's Future Goddess-Queen,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

P.S. I would love to know why the fuck you are always referring to Starlight as your favorite and why you once called me your second favorite. I am trying to figure out what the fuck is up with all this but whatever it is, I'm sure it is just you being a trolling bitch like always.

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Dear Princess Twilight,

Don't make me laugh. I along with powers much higher already have a plan set in place to make sure that you don't pull any shit like this. This plan will put a certain pony, one very dear to me, into a position where you will answer to her even if you do crown yourself as Goddess-Queen. Face it Twilight, the big brass wants to see you remain miserable as much as I do. Now just do me a favor, be happy for the newlyweds, got it!

Still Your Overlord,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Don't burn your brain out trying to figure this out Twilight. I know some things are impossible for you to comprehend but I thought you would have figured this out in nothing flat!

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Dear Discord, Spike, Mrs. Cake and the CMC,

Thanks for helping us get our proposal set up even though it was chaotic. To be honest, the chaos not only made things fun but it made everything much more meaningful. It meant a lot to the two of us that you would go through so much for us.

Sincerely,

Big Mac and Sugar Belle

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To the newlyweds,

Well we are happy to have been able to help out and we are all so happy for you. We know you are the perfect couple and your days will be many and very happy.

Sincerely,

Everypony who helped you

P.S. Welcome to the Apple Family Sugar Belle! I am so happy to have you as a sister-in-law now! - Apple Bloom

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Sugar Belle,

You may be happy now that you are married to Big Mac but be warned, that will not last for long. Once Bitchlestia retires and I am crowned Goddess-Queen I will dissolve that marriage and force you into my harem. Don't worry, it's not like you won't be unhappy. Once you get some Sparkle forced into your life, you'll wish you had chose me a hell of a long time ago.

Your Future Owner,

Soon to Be Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

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To a Sex-Crazed Bitch,

Go fuck yourself Twibitch. Princess Celestia and the big brass have already put safeguards in place to prevent you from dissolving marriages. You probably know this but a plan has been made that will make you answer to a much higher level pony, one who isn't a total bitch and will look out for my general welfare. Celestia may be retiring and let you take the throne but in all reality, you'll never be anything beyond a figurehead thanks to Celestia and the big brass. Just like what Celestia used to say, "damn it sucks to be you!"

Sincerely,

Sugar Belle

P.S. How the hell you can think of yourself as ever going to have any power is beyond me. From what Starlight tells me, you don't even have any control during your multi-mare orgies so how are you supposed to run a country? Now go do Equestria a favor and drown in a ditch, ok?

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To the lying, asshole hypocrite CEO,

You know what, I saw some of the things that went down during that episode and I am not one bit pleased. I know you and your vermin writer and animator friends tried to hide it but I saw Lyra and Bon Bon giving one another rings and I know all the fans did too. Here you have been bitching for so long about how having a lesbian couple in My Little Pony would hurt the company but now you pull this shit twice. First there was Scootaloo's aunts and now THIS?

You know what, you just need to let my precious daughter and her sweetie become a canon couple, propose and get married. Hell make a special "episode 27" for it if you have to. You have to understand, I am a mother who only wants what is best for her daughter. Now make it happen or I'll come to your world, crash Hasbro's stock price and get you voted out as CEO, got it?

Pissed off Big Time,

Princess Celestia

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To a Bitchy Mother,

You know what Cakeass, I was just as surprised to see that as you were. I didn't even know what to think at first but then I realized that there are only three episodes left so I didn't care. For your information you cake craving glutton, I have much bigger issues on my hands than forcing the writers, the VAs and animators to hurry up and make a special episode devoted to your precious daughter and the mare you hope will be your daughter in law getting married.

Tell you what, I have connections to an infinitely powerful Alicorn named *Thundercloud who will make all your dreams come true. I will admit, I have lied about Starlight getting ascended but I don't care. We slowed down making figures a long time ago because they weren't selling that much anymore but hey, StormLuna has a wedding set of both Starlight and Trixie as Alicorns and being princesses with Starlight in regal princess attire and Trixie in her hat and cape with lace so that should make you feel a little better.

This Thunderbolt pony however, he can make all your dreams come true. He will be taking over for me after episode 26 so after that, bitch to him and like I said earlier, he will make all your dreams come true and then some. Hell he has more power than Discord so if you decided you wanted Fluttershy's life to go down the toilet and make Colgate extremely happy, this Alicorn could make it happen and Discord would be powerless to stop him!

Now all I ask is that you fucking leave me alone, ok? All the episodes have been made, the VAs contracts have expired and animating an episode takes much longer than you think so sorry but your daughter marrying her sweetie won't happen on screen, ok?

Having Lied to You A LOT,

God Emperor Brian Goldner, CEO of Hasbro, Inc.

Author's Note:

*And this is Thundercloud, the one who will take over for Goldner after the last episode.

Comments

[vortex123]

I really hope Fluttershy doesn’t become a slave. She’s made a lot (and I mean a lot) of dumb and horrible decisions but she’s already been punished.

Also:

Dear Princess Celestia

Twilight flat out told you that she plans to force her mom into a harem because she found her hot. Did you miss that or did you simply not care? I mean going after someone you find hot is one thing, but isn’t going after your mom going pretty far even for Twilight?

[StormLuna]

9869467

Don't worry, Thundercloud will have far bigger issues than Shy to deal with....besides, he might just give Tia conditions that would have to be met before he would turn Starlight into a Goddess level Alicorn.....hey, these post-series specials are after the show ends so I can throw all sorts of things in there that may piss some people off and make others laugh.

And Celestia might take Twi's desire for her mom into account further on. I know enough about episode 26 that Tia could simply put a stop to it before it ever happens.

[RDDash]

Cis gender marriages are so overrated, just for this episode I would have taken Trixie-Starlight marriage just so Twilight could bitch about it.

[StormLuna]

9869566

Now that is something I would have definitely gone for....that is the one thing I have wanted for so long but I know it ain't going to happen.