Unpleasant Correspondence

by StormLuna

Magical Mystery Cure

To Equestria's newest but most useless monarch,

So Twilight, I take it you enjoyed the book I sent you? I was planning on sending it to you right after Spike saved the Crystal Empire but let's just say that a couple of your old friends kept me distracted. Anyway, I am glad that you enjoyed it but can I offer you some advice? Before you go casting spells, please read them through thoroughly so you don't fuck anything up again.

Seriously Twilight, I thought you had the brains to research spells before casting them. Oh wait, I doubt that tiny library down there has anything regarding spells Starswirl fucked up big time. Damn it sucks to be you, doesn't it? Anyhow, it must have been fun trying to fix your acquaintances when you screwed them up. Now I would have just cut their cutie marks off of them and then sewn the right ones on them but hey, whatever you decided was the best.

Now for the fun part, not only will I not let you come home, but since you have that brand new set of wings and a fancy title in front of your name, you are going to live a whole lot longer. Now you won't be immortal like my sister and I are but I have increased your lifespan many times over so you may want to grow to love that dump I sent you to. I say this because I cast a spell that will prevent dangerous animals from killing you so plan on Ponyville being your home for at least the next 3,000 years. Oh and don't even try killing yourself because I also cast a special spell on you that if you try to kill yourself, it will not only not kill you, but it will add another thousand years to your miserable, pathetic life.

Now that you are a princess, life will not be so easy for you. You will constantly have ponies bitching to you about everything under the sun. Given that you are a commoner, they will likely come to you first because they will think you will actually give a shit about their petty problems since neither my sister nor myself do. Who knows, you could even become the most despised princess in all the land and all the hate mail that is currently directed towards me will be directed towards you!

Naturally you will be given a royal coronation ceremony up here in Canterlot but there is a catch, your parents are going to pay for it under penalty of torture. There is no way in hell I am going to throw you an elaborate celebration using government funds. You already squander enough as it is and I'm STILL pissed over you taking Spike to the pediatrician and the veterinarian when you lost control of him and his greedy ways. They billed me quite a bit and I vowed that one day you and your family would pay dearly for it, and that time has come.

Now remember Twilight, you and your acquaintances need to arrive in Canterlot by sunrise next Saturday morning for your coronation and if you are late, I'll find one way or another to make your suffering even worse. See you then!

Sincerely,

Your Vastly Superior and Immortal Monarch Princess Celestia

P.S. I know you have been trying for three years to initiate Fluttershy but no longer will you have to do that. Now you can just issue a royal decree that she must worsen her quality of life simply to make you happy. Oh, and thanks for fixing that spell so I won't have to do this with any future proteges.

---

Dear Twilight's Acquaintances,

I am assuming that the five of you must be very excited that Twilight has earned her wings and is now a princess. Now I have a feeling that you are likely readying yourselves for her coronation but I have even more exciting news than you getting to take part in a fancy celebration.

You see, when I cast the spell to make her an Alicorn, I also extended her lifespan many times over so you guys will be graced with her presence for the rest of your miserable, pathetc lives. You may want to spread this wonderful news to Ponyville too because she will be with everypony for the next 3,000 years at least if not longer. Hell, if your community is lucky, I may one day cast a spell on her to make her immortal and I'm sure you'd all love that!

I'm sure the new princess will tell you that you need to be up in Canterlot by sunrise on Saturday morning for this celebration and don't be late because if you are, I will grant her unprecedented powers to make your pathetic lives even more miserable than they already are. See you Saturday!

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

---

Dear Spike,

I have some wonderful news! I know that often times slaves worry about what will happen to them when their masters die but you won't have to worry about that. When I ascended Twilight, I cast a spell that will keep her going for at least another 3,000 years but if you are extra good, I'll make it even longer and perhaps even eternal.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

---

Dear Twilight Velvet and Night Light,

I have some spectacular news for you! I have decided that your daughter has done such a good job at making those around her miserable that I ascended her. Yep, she's an Alicorn and a princess now. Naturally like every other new princess, she will get a fancy coronation ceremony but you two are going to pay for it. Whether you have to whore yourselves out, sell your house or what, I don't care. The cost of this ceremony will be 200,000 bits, not counting fancy regalia for Luna, Cadence and myself, which you will also pay for.

Oh and don't worry, for all the problems she continues to cause, nothing will change, you will continue to be fined for anything she damages. Just to make things fun though, I have decided to extend your lifespans enough that you'll stay around long enough to pay for the problems she causes. After all, I certainly don't want to be the one stuck with the bill to repair things she destroys.

On a final note, you must be so proud to have raised such a bitchy little cunt. She reminds me of a former protege, one who didn't quite make the cut and ran away. What a shame Shining Armor turned out to be the good one, it would have been even more fun to tax you on two horrible, troublesome children. Oh well, I guess you can't win them all, right?

Waiting to Collect Your Money,

Princess Celestia

P.S. While I want you two to stay around long enough to pay for the problems your daughter causes, I do not think you are worthy of having wings. Now could you please come by the palace on Monday morning so I can cast the same longevity spell on you that I cast on Twilight? Failure to appear will result in immediate seizure of your house and relocation to your bitch daughter's library.

---

Dear Princess Bitchlestia,

You did what? You know that I can barely stand it down here and just because I fixed that old fart's spell you decide to curse me with an unnaturally long life? And to make matters worse, I am going to have to spend at least three fucking more millennia in this dump?

This is proof that you are by far the biggest troll in the entire universe. You send me a book to fix a spell and just because I fixed it you punish me like this? I thought that maybe if I fixed it you would let me come back home where I belong but oh no, that would make way too much sense.

You know what Celestia, my hatred for you has been festering for a long time, especially since you banished me to this hellhole but now, my hatred for you can not be measured. I hope that someday I will be able to make you pay for this evil deed. You know that not only do I hate this dump but you also know that outside of the spa twins, everypony down here hates me so I suppose you are trolling them too.

Don't worry, I'll be up for that coronation because I don't feel like you extending my life any further than you already have. Maybe if I'm lucky some future villain, a truly evil one, will cast some sort of spell to reduce my life span back to normal or even better, kill me.

Hating Your Guts,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

P.S. I know I am a bitch but even I am not so much of a bitch as to use my royal powers to force Fluttershy into an initiation ceremony. I would get much more satisfaction if I could win her friendship the old fashioned way and have her as a real friend, not a forced one.

---

Dear Princess Trollestia,

You want to know something? Twilight was right about you, you are the biggest troll of all time. When we saw her disappear and noticed that the burn mark in the floor resembled her cutie mark, we thought that she was dead. We thought that she went into magic overload, exploded and that we were finally rid of her. Hell Pinkie was even planning on having the whole town throw a "Thank Mother Faust Twibitch is Dead" party. We would have even prepared extra cake and invited you but oh no, you not only had to make us cancel the party but make us have to put up with her bitching for the rest of our lives.

We had always held you in the highest regards until you cursed her upon us and now? Now we despise you more than she does and with any luck, some horrible villain will not only kill her, but you as well. What a shame Luna wasn't the primary princess because she would never have punished a group of friends nor would she have punished an entire community the way you have.

Your Suddenly Disloyal Subjects,

Applejack, Fluttershy, Rarity, Pinkamena Diane Pie and Rainbow Dash

P.S. Bitchlestia, just so you know, I will not be Twilight's sex toy. She can have me executed or throw me into Tartarus but that would be preferable to being forced to let her fuck me. The hell with both of you. - Fluttershy

---

To Trollestia,

You did what? You have decided that I should be enslaved to that bitch for at least three thousand more years? That is proof that you truly are a horrible, sadistic, spiteful troll. I want to know something, what the hell did I do to deserve this? Did the castle chef screw up your cake and you weren't thinking straight or do you truly hate me so much that you think I deserve to suffer for many millennia?

Now I am wishing that Twibitch and Owlicious would never have come looking for me when I ran away from home. Death would be preferable than being her slave for that long.

Suddenly Hating You,

Spike

---

Dear Bitch Princess,

You did what? You decided to ascend that little failure into an Alicorn but not Shining Armor? We suppose that being a wonderful, honorable pony means nothing but being a bitchy little failure is rewarded. I suppose Twilight's rants about you are true, you are a grade A troll, and a greedy one at that.

Continuing to steal our money is bad enough but now we have to pay for her ceremony and YOUR regalia when you are the one who did this really takes the cake. We shall continue to curse your name until the day we die for this and regarding this whole extending our lives thing, fuck that shit. We would rather rot in the bottom most bowels of Tartarus than be cursed with several millennia of continued taxation and fines.

When you wound up taking Twilight off of our hooves, we were so happy and loved you so much. Now we despise you and really wish we had never let our bitchy daughter apply for your school.

Despising You More than Twilight,

Twilight Velvet and Night Light

Author's Note:

Idolize our new bitchy overlord!

Comments

[Ri2]

...Troll isn't the right word for Celestia here. It's heartless despot.

[aline1]

Okay, really seeing how twilight turned out the way she did between Celestia and her parents...

I am beginning to suspect she might have been better off and turned out better if she had been raised by timber wolves, Sombra, Nightmare Moon or Chrysalis.

[Speedy Silverstreak]

And like that....

Equestria revolts

[vortex123]

Ok I can understand why she did the to twi because that is their relationship since chapter 1 and the rest of the mane 6 because their happiness was pretty much forfeit the moment the elements chose them and just because of her master race complex why she screwed spike, but what the FUCK did her parents do to get that abuse, I know the up until Celestia made her her student, they were the ones to raise twilight but they also raised shining armor, seriously what the fuck

[sykko]

Dear Cuntlestia,

You may think that giving me that title is somehow a jab at me, but I'm going to own it so hard that the ocean will taste sweet compared to me.

The Princess of Salt Twilight Sparkle

[StormLuna]

10301394

Dear SaltSparkle,

Oh you're going to pay for that. If you think I've been a bitch before, you haven't seen anything next. One day I will send a mare in your direction who will always out do you in every aspect of life.

Still Your Overlord,

Princess "The Only One that Matters" Celestia

[Love able chaos]

Damn also Celestia why?