Unpleasant Correspondence

by StormLuna

Maud Pie

To Equestria's Lousiest Princess,

Well I am officially pissed, again. Get this, ADHD girl had the audacity to wake me and my acquaintances up and drag us to the sweets' shop to taste rock candy BEFORE DAWN. The reason she did it is pathetic, her sister was coming into town and she needed us to be taste testers. Seriously, it was damn rock candy and I wasn't the only one who was irritated by this. Believe it or not but all of us were pissed and our teeth wound up hurting. I never had rock candy before but I do vow this, I'm never eating that shit again.

Her sister showed up and she actually expected us to befriend her. Seriously? This pony has basically zero personality, zero emotion and that voice, ugh....so bland and monotone. I'm not sure whether to think one of the two was adopted or that this was some sort of joke on Pinkie's part to inconvenience and troll all of us.

Like I said, Pinkie expected us to befriend her. Seriously, we are supposed to befriend somepony that boring? No thanks, she would bore me to death and her taste in poetry is terrible. It isn't about two hot mares getting it on, it is all about rocks. Seriously though, she needs something to occupy her time with, something such as being a bloodthirsty killer, being a taxidermist or at the very least, she needs to find herself a good mare to brighten up her mundane, most likely miserable life.

Also, just when I thought Pinkie couldn't get any dumber, she hit a new low, to try and cause us to become friends with Maud, she set up some stupid obstacle course that involves our favorite activities, including a large pile of rocks at the end and in her infinite idiocy, she went through it first and nearly got smashed by the rocks.

When I saw that pile of rocks collapsing and Pinkie likely living in her final seconds, I was elated. I thought that her own stupidity would purge her from my life, shatter this Element bond and then I could come home and be with my old friends, not just mere acquaintances. Unfortunately Maud is a quick mover and good at smashing rocks so she wound up crushing my hopes of Pinkie dying when she smashed some rocks.

Damn it. Here I was so close to being free of them and a pony with zero personality had to go and ruin it. Perhaps if I'm lucky the next time ADHD Girl's stupidity could lead to her demise, that boring sister of hers won't be anywhere around.

Wishing Pinkie Had Died,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

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Dear Princess Celestia,

My friends and Twibitch are awful! They couldn't be friends with Maud just because they are different. So what if she is quiet and has nothing in common with them, they could have still been friends. Hey, Twilight is very close with the spa twins and they have absolutely nothing in common! What is wrong with them, why wouldn't they just befriend Maud?

Curious,

Pinkie Pie

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To My Death Wishing Inferior Princess,

Seriously, you wish Pinkie would have died because of the shit she put you through? Ok, I suppose I can understand you wanting her to die over waking you up early to taste rock candy but all the other stuff? From what you have told me that sister of hers does sound boring as hell and rock poetry isn't exactly my thing either but I certainly wouldn't wish death upon Pinkie for having me meet Maud.

The obstacle course? From what you told me it does sound like Pinkie had a death wish there but I commend Maud for saving her. It would have been a shame had she let Pinkie die and improved your quality of life, at least she has that going for her. She loves her sister and she likes to see you suffer so maybe she ain't that bad.

Just so you know, even had Pinkie died, I would not have let you come home. I did not cast that spell to make you live for at least 3,000 more years so you could make me miserable, I did it so you could make Ponyville miserable. I have some advice for you, go to the spa, get a pampering session in the steam room and just forget about this, you'll be a lot happier.

Your Superior Monarch,

Princess Celestia

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To Pinkie Pie,

It actually doesn't surprise me that your friends and Twilight couldn't befriend Maud. It isn't a matter of them not liking her, it is just a matter of them not meshing. Now regarding Twilight and the spa twins having nothing in common, let me be clear, so clear even your primitive brain can register it. Twilight and the spa twins like screwing each other in the steam room. That is more than enough in common for them to be besties.

Oh and regarding that obstacle course, Twilight told me about it and I have to agree with her, you are an idiot. Thankfully Maud was there to prevent Twilight's quality of life from improving. Just do everypony a favor in the future and don't put yourself in stupid situations where you could die, alright? It would be a crying shame if you weren't around to make Twilight miserable.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Comments

[Cloudy Arrow]

Question what would celestia do if one of the mane 6 (excluding twibitch) died

[StormLuna]

9011616

I honestly don't know. Twilight talks about it a lot and Celestia has brought up some things that she might do but as far as the actual scenario, even I don't know what I would have her do....and if anything was to happen to Fluttershy, I'm sure you know what Twilight's TRUE reaction would be.