Unpleasant Correspondence

by StormLuna

May the Best Pet Win

Dear Princess Celestia,

Once again Crash is showing her stupidity. Just like it was when I degraded myself and helped out on the apple farm when you sent me those tickets, that dumb bitch is sleeping in a tree. Seriously, who in their right mind sleeps in trees, well on tree branches actually. I know how your mind works and would call me out on the whole "sleeping in a tree" thing.

Now you're probably going to drop dead in shock, which I really wish you would, because me and my inferiors have begun to have this pony/pet play date where we gather by the tree where Crash sleeps and allow our pets to socialize. You know something, Owlicious is a chip off the old block because he knows he's better than the other pets. I'm so proud!

I'm pretty sure you and your spying flank know this but all of us have a pet, except for Crash because she is way too stupid to care for a pet. Suddenly though since we woke her up, she wants a pet and guess who is going bat shit crazy to get her one? If you guessed PETA girl, you're right.

Once Rainbow couldn't decide on one, she decided to have all these potential pets take part in competitions to see which one is just as much of a narcissistic asshole as she is. Sounds simple, right? It would have been but Fluttershy forced her to allow a tortoise to take part in this. What an idiot. She should know that tortoises aren't exactly known for their narcissism or their bitchiness. There was no way that thing was going to win, ever.

What happened next was more proof that Crash is an idiot, she had those critters do everything from agility tests to speed tests to seeing which one would lick her ass clean the quickest. What a bunch of miserable, pathetic animals they are. All of them, with the exception of the tortoise, proceeded to lick her ass. Now I know for sure the tortoise is doomed to lose because it has intelligence, which is something Crash doesn't.

In the end though four birds and the tortoise had to race the idiot through Ghastly Gorge to win the "honor," although I think "punishment" would be more appropriate, of being her pet. Now for the funny part, those birds finished but Crash was nowhere to be found. One of my idiot acquaintances saw that there had been an avalanche in the gorge and my first thought was, "Yes, maybe she's dead and can be replaced!"

As the minutes turned into hours, my idiot acquaintances, rather than going and looking for the bitch, just stood there talking and speculating about what could have happened. Naturally they weren't thrilled when I made the comment that maybe a rock crushed and killed her. Unfortunately though, that would not be the case.

Ok, I have decided that tortoise is worthy of the moron of the year award because not only did he save Crash from whatever happened but he carried her back to town. What a truly stupid creature that thing is. Crash treated him like dirt all day yet he saves her ass and now all of a sudden Rainbow decides she wants him as a pet. I don't get why though, he did refuse to lick her ass after all.

Now we all have pets but one thing I certainly learned, Rainbow is STILL a bitch because she strapped a propeller on that tortoise so it could fly. If she truly just had to have a flying pet, she should have went with the falcon that won the race. Perhaps she was afraid it would kill her and eat her in the night, which would have been wonderful. Too bad it won't happen.

Wishing Rainbow Had Died,

Twilight Sparkle

---

To My Death Wishing Student,

For starters, I must admit that I am shocked that you are actually spending time with those acquaintances of yours. Never once did I imagine that you would simply go and have fun with them. I know you're probably going to tell me that you are only doing it for Owlicious but I think otherwise. I think that you are actually starting to like some of them anyway, most likely PETA girl since you are always wanting to "initiate" her.

You know something Twilight, it seems like you act shocked when ponies display acts of stupidity. I would think that you would know to expect that by now, especially when it comes to that stupid blue pegasus. I am not sure exactly what was going on but Luna did pay her daytime nap a visit and she dreamed about the other pets so that is why she wanted one.

I'll admit, her requirements for a pet do not surprise me. A non-flying pet would hold her down and since she can't wipe her own ass, she figured one that would do it for her would keep her stench to a minimum. I will admit though, her way of choosing a pet is rather ridiculous.

I know you want Rainbow to die so she can be replaced but even if she had died, I would not have replaced her with a pony you would want me to. I'd find some other arrogant pegasus to take her place. Hell just to spite you I'd go find some arrogant bitch from Cloudsdale, preferably some showboat from the Wonderbolts.

Now it looks like Crash will be joining you guys on your pony/pet play dates. I really pity you, now not only do you and your acquaintances have to put up with her, but so do your pets and I'm betting that tortoise of hers will be just as stuck on himself as she is before too long.

Still Your Overlord,

Princess Celestia

P.S. I do not take kindly to you wishing I would drop over dead in shock. I was thinking of doing something that would make you happy but forget that! I guess that study tower will remain empty!