A Friend in Deed
Dear Princess Celestia,
Alright, I have come to the conclusion that Pinkie must be an even bigger moron than I thought. Get this, she spent the greater part of a day trying to befriend a grouchy ass who has decided to move into town. I know she wants to befriend every undesirable and their dog in this town but really, if somepony, or in this case someass, wants to be left alone and hates you, just leave him alone.
What irked me the most is she had to come and complain to me about it. Because of her miserable, pathetic whining, I was five minutes late getting to the spa and you know how I feel about tardiness. I'm thinking about suggesting to the spa twins that they prohibit her from every coming into the spa. Hell, not just talk them into banning her from the spa permanently but all of my acquaintances except Fluttershy since she, unlike the others, is very hot. Now I just need to figure out a way to seduce and initiate her, maybe a foursome in the spa would be appealing for her.
From what I heard, Pinkie wound up reuniting that cranky old ass with a jenny that he had a crush on from a long time ago so they're all good now. What a shame too, I think it would have been funny to see him die a cranky, lonely old bastard.
Hoping the Twins Keep Pinkie Out of the Spa,
Twilight Sparkle
Dear Princess Celestia,
I have a question. Ok, after I bugged him for most of the day, I was finally able to befriend Cranky and now, I'm friends with almost everypony down here now. To make it a perfect 100%, I need to befriend Twilight. How do I go about it? You know her pretty well, what could I do? Would an extra special party with cake, ice cream, balloons and music do the trick?
Hoping to Befriend Twilight,
Pinkie Pie
To My Pinkie Hating Student,
Yeah, yeah, yeah, here you go bitching again. I have a question, outside of Pinkie bitching to you and making you late for your spa appointment, how the hell does her griping affect you? What you should have done was throw her out of the library as soon as she showed up, told her to go bitch to one of her many friends and leave you alone.
I honestly think you entertained her for a while solely so you could bitch to me about it. I know you enjoy bitching about everything since it is the only way for you to vent about your problems but couldn't you write bitchy letters to somepony else? Couldn't you bitch to somepony who might actually care, such as your parents? Look, you got your spa time in and that is all that should matter.
Sick and Tired of Your Bitching,
Princess Celestia
To Pinkie Pie,
You can forget about befriending Twilight, because like me, she does have standards. Unfortunately for you, you are not attractive enough for her to ever want to initiate into her circle of friends. I do have a favor to ask of you though, could you tell your animal crazed friend to just let Twilight initiate her? You have no idea how much Twilight bitches about her inability to seduce her and it is getting old. Do it and I just might make it worth your while.
Sincerely,
Princess Celestia
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I can't wait to see where this goes.
8949663
It might happen, eventually. Fluttershy isn't a fan of ponies who are constantly wanting to get her in the sack in the name of friendship.
Uh.....Dear Princess Celestia (I-If you don't mind)
I've been seeing Twilight coming to my shed for the last four nights, i even saw her bring a piece of rope, a bottle of chloroform, and a blindfold. I don't know why she had any of those things, i went out to ask her, but she was gone the moment i step out of my home.
She's even staring at my body like if i didn't notice, making me feel nervous, especially when i model some dresses for my friend Rarity. I do like having Twilight as a friend, so i can't bring myself to tell her that her constant stare of my body gets me nervous.
I will ask you to talk to Twilight, tell her that she can't sneak up on my house so much, some of my animals need their space to sleep, especially a family of skunks that had an.......well, accident with Twilight the last night.
I'd also ask you some guards, since Twilight is actually getting me pretty nervous.
Your shy and nervous subject,
Fluttershy
To my shy and nervos subject
Are you kidding me!!!!? You saw Twilight with those objects and you came out of the safety of your home!!!!? How can you be so blind!!?
I will tell you this slowly, since you might have a brain smaller than that arrogant bitch of Crash. TWILIGHT.WANTS.TO.!@#!.WITH.YOU.
There, you get it now? She is always bitching about how you don't let her "initiate" you. It was fun at the beginning, but now has become so freaking annoying and ruins my "me" time.
So i'd ask you to grow some balls and ask Twilight out, who knows, maybe if you let her initiate you, she might stop bitching about everything.
I won't send my guards to keep my lustfull student away from you. Like i said before, ask her out and stop being such a weakling.
And don't think for a moment that i forgot you stole my bird, you are lucky i don't send my guards right now to arrest your weakling ass and execute you. Trust me, i want to do it, but then i'd have to hear Twilight beg me to send one of her booty calls aka "real" friends.
Your high overlord,
Princess Celestia.
Also, if you really want Twilight to stay away from your shed, just throw that huge bear you have at her.
9458373
You know, you could write something like this and you'd have people laughing like crazy. I know I'd give it a fave and put it in my "Celestial Sarcasm" folder like I have other stories similar to mine.