Unpleasant Correspondence

by StormLuna

Campfire Tales

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well Rarity, Rainbow Dash and I took the CMC on a camping trip and while at first Scootaloo was being a little chickenshit, it turned out alright. The girls heard about amazing legends and we found a shortcut to Winston Falls. Sounds like a great trip, right?

Your Humble Subject,

Applejack

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Dear Applejack,

You seriously think I care about something that menial? Hell I shouldn't have even wasted my time responding here but my cake won't be ready for another ten minutes so I figured I may as well.

Not Giving A Shit,

Princess Celestia

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Dear Princess Celestia,

I heard a legend about a pony named Flash Magnus back in the day and I can't help but wonder if I am not a descendant of his. I know the Flash lineage goes way back and he sounds really awesome. Obviously not as awesome as me but still, pretty awesome. Forget me wondering, I KNOW I am because I'm brave like he was!

Sincerely,

Flash Sentry

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To the Most Useless Character Ever,

Seriously, you awesome? If you're so damn awesome then why haven't you even showed up in nearly three years? I know why, it is because you are a useless guard who will never move up in the ranks! Oh and regarding you being brave, don't make me laugh. There is a reason I decided to give you a desk job, it is because you are too much of a chickenshit to even handle a parasprite attack, much less any real threat.

Now regarding Flash Magnus, yes you are a descendant of his but you are obviously nothing like him so don't go trying to compare yourself. He faced off against dragons while you ran away from a parasprite that ate my cake, a cake you were supposed to be guarding! Face it Flashy, you are a failure, a complete failure!

Laughing at You,

Princess Celestia

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Dear Princess Celestia,

Well I was left out of an episode again! I swear, those fucking writers must be out to sink the sales of my figures or something, dumb bastards anyway. Oh well, it gave me more time to torture that junkie and it gave me time to visit my old friends. Now that was fun, especially the first special study session we had together in ages! It was just like the old days, lots of sexy times and forgetting all my problems. Trust me, you'll be seeing me up in Canterlot a lot more often.

Lover of Sexy Times,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

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Dear Princess Twilight,

Now that's the spirit! Now I know how hideously sweet you were when you would be excluded while you were a doormat but THIS is how you should spend your times of exclusion. Torture and sexy times always make things better now don't they?

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Now could you do me a favor and get footage of you torturing that junkie? I really need something violent and bloody to add to my video library. I have way too much porn and not nearly enough torture!

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Dear Twilight,

Being excluded really kicked ass didn't it? The four of us are so happy that you just showed up and are now past that whole healing phase. You see, this is what life is all about, meaningless horn sex, feasting on sweets and feasting on one another. Now we are going to expect you to come up and visit us every time you are excluded from this moment forward, got it sexy girl!

Enjoying You,

Minuette, Moondancer, Twinkleshine and Lemon Hearts

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To My Old Friends,

Damn straight it kicked ass! For so long I bitched about being excluded and then I was a doormat when it happened but now, you four have a guaranteed bootie-call every now and then. I do have a suggestion though, you should come down here sometime. Not only could we turn my sleeping chambers into The Ponyville Paradise but also you could join me in torturing this drug addict and aid me in abducting the local vet and torturing her too. I'm sure you four would love to grow torturing ponies as much as I do. Let me know what you think.

Looking Forward to Our Next Visit,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Comments

[vortex123]

This story is so messed up and wrong I feel compelled to continue reading

[StormLuna]

9555900

That's exactly how it is supposed to be, messed up and wrong!