Unpleasant Correspondence

by StormLuna

Daring Don't

Dear Equestria's Bitchiest Monarch,

Guess what I learned? I learned that Crash has a serious problem, she has a crush on a fictional character! Yep, she has a crush on Daring Do. Now if you ask me, that is truly pathetic. Why in Equestria would anypony fall in love with a fictional character? Oh wait, this is Crash we are talking about and with her, anything that involves idiocy and irrational thought is possible.

Now for something even funner, Crash decided that we needed to go out and harass A.K. Yearling when it was learned that her next book would be delayed. My initial thought was, "So the book will be delayed, deal with it bitch." Ultimately my acquaintances and I headed out to tell her to get to work but then the unthinkable happened, A.K Yearling IS Daring Do.

Want to know what this did? Now all of a sudden Crash is going to do whatever it takes to get into her coat. How pathetic, what kind of pony wants to get into the coat of a re-color of herself? It is almost as though she wants to screw herself but that honestly doesn't surprise me given how conceited she is.

Now in her attempt to screw Daring Do, Crash wound up failing miserably when Ahuizotl took her off to some temple so he could beat her to the punch, poor Daring Do, a huge blue monster will get her instead of a narcissistic recolor of herself. Oh well, life is a bitch and sometimes the most unfortunate ponies get screwed by freaky creatures you never thought could exist.

Now I naturally wanted to say, "Screw this shit, let's go home and let Daring Do get a new hole torn by this thing but my acquaintances convinced me we should go and help her. After Fluttershy promised that she would put out for me, I decided to stay and aid in this endeavor. Yes we did save Crash's crush before she fell victim to Ahuizotl but I am not thrilled that Fluttershy denied me, again. She promised she would put out but she lied! I swear, one of these days I will make her my friend.

I know I said I would never do this but I am honestly wondering if I won't have to force her into an initiation. Ever since Rarity popped her cherry, I have wanted to force her into my friendship circle more and more. One day though, I will get her to willingly join me in my bedroom.

Your Superior Monarch,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

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Dear Princess Celestia,

You are not going to believe this. I learned Daring Do is real and I was able to help her stop Ahuizotl! Now I hoped that she would let me come home with her but she told me that maybe someday I can. Sweet, I know she is a recolor of me but I hope someday she'll do to me what Twilight can't do to Fluttershy.

Hoping Daring Do Screws Me Someday,

Rainbow Dash

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Dear Princess Celestia,

I need to file a restraining order against Rainbow Dash. She is a stalker and I don't feel like her constantly begging me for sex. The sooner you could keep her away from me the better.

Hoping You'll Keep Rainbow Away From Me,

Daring Do

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To Equestria's Most Pathetic Monarch,

Oh good grief, yet another excuse for you to bitch to me about one thing or another. If this was going to be such a pain for you, why did you go with them to harass A.K. Yearling to start with? You can claim Crash wants to screw her but given that you went out there to stalk her, I can't help but wonder if you don't want to do the same.

I am going to be completely honest though, you don't exactly remind me of the type to go stalking somepony who lives in the middle of nowhere. Knowing you, you probably thought if you helped Crash help her crush out and get her to finish her book, that you'd think I would let you come home over it. Sorry Twily but that ain't happening. Ponyville needs its princess and despite them wanting to evict you, you're staying put. I will not reward somepony for stalking, alright?

Oh and on a final note, I think it is funny that Fluttershy lied to you. What is even funnier, you actually believed her. You should know that she will NEVER put out for you unless you issue some sort of royal decree that she become your slave. I remember how you said you would never do that and now I know why. You didn't do it because you wanted to be a good pony with morals, you did it so you can continue to bitch to me about your inability to get her in bed.

Take some advice from your mentor, just use your royal powers to make her let you initiate her, you'd be much happier if you did.

Happy PETA Girl Lied to You,

Equestria's Best Monarch....Princess Celestia

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Dear Rainbow Crash,

Daring Do want to screw you? Don't make me laugh! Just because she is a recolor of you does not mean that she will find you attractive nor does it guarantee any kind of action you desire. Just calm down, hoof yourself or maybe if you're lucky, you can seduce Pinkie since it seems like she really likes you.

Laughing My Ass Off,

Princess Celestia

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To A.K. Yearling...aka Daring Do

Consider it done. I doubt having her constantly stalking you will help you write your books and will likely cause Ahuizotl to eventually succeed in causing your demise.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Comments

[Speedy Silverstreak]

Uh I have a box containing a pegasus who goes by Fluttershy currently outside the Golden Oaks library door. Could the owner please retrieve the pony for initiation purposes?

[StormLuna]

8983325

Discord will come and save her from such a cruel fate, he would never allow anything bad to happen to his first friend.

[Speedy Silverstreak]

8983842
Box is chaos magic proof.

[StormLuna]

8983875

Ok then, well Spike would get to the box first and let Fluttershy go so Twilight couldn't do anything to her.

[Speedy Silverstreak]

8985236
Then why is there a extremely horny Twilight holding the box right now?

[Love able chaos]

Wow Twilight you actually thought fluttershy would sleep with you cause she promised? How could you not tell that was a lie?