School Raze
Dear Head Mare Twilight,
We told you Cozy Glow was a fucked up little bitch. We tried telling you on multiple occasions that something wasn't right about her. We swear, for you supposed to be so intelligent, you certainly are blinded by the worst of the worst. We all thought that you would know that she was evil when she pulled the shit she did with the CMC but oh no, she was just a cute little thing trying to get them in you said. Oh she is just misunderstood you said. Oh please be nice to Cozy Glow you said.
You know what, fuck that little conniving bitch. Pen Pals with Tirek? How the hell was she even getting mail to him in Tartarus to start with? Was Neighsay behind it since he has that freaky magical amulet that can take him anywhere in Equestria he damn well pleases. Well you better thank your lucky stars that we were suspicious of that little cunt because had we not been, you'd still be stuck in Tartarus having to put up with Tirek and whatever lame company he would provide.
Oh and by the way, YOU'RE WELCOME.
Saving Your Flank,
Yona, Sandbar, Ocellus, Gallus, Silverstream and Smolder
P.S. Yona still not nominate slutty yellow pony as teacher of the month. Yona also not nominate purple pony or light pink pony as teacher of the month. Yona no nominate them because they screw in guidance counselor's office.
To My Students,
Ok, I get it. I get it that you were right about Cozy Glow and that I should not have trusted her. Thing is, she is just so adorable, she helped me out and she seemed so genuine. I suppose I owe all six of you an apology and a thank you. I suppose it is a good thing that I have students who can see through cute, just like I had a student in the last finale that helped me see that diplomacy and friendship are more important than banishing a now well published author back into limbo.
Sincerely,
Head Mare Twilight
P.S. You all are not ready to graduate from my school. One season does not warrant me graduating you and then letting you go do who knows what. Oh and Yona, I'm docking points off your exams for not going to nominate me for teacher of the month. Starlight and I have our urges and we simply can't contain them. You try being the head pony or the guidance counselor. You do that for a while you'd want to screw your subordinate too.
Dear Nicole Dubuc and and Josh Haber,
I want to know something, why was it that everything was fine one moment and then that little psycho Cozy Glow had me imprisoned in some magical bubble? How was it that she simply had those relics so she could suck the magic out of Equestria? Ok, I get it, you two only had 44 minutes to put things together but still, you could have at least took a minute to show that little bitch stealing them from somewhere.
Also, do you realize how fucking embarrassing it was for me to be captured by a little bitch young enough to be my daughter? I swear, you two need to get your priorities straight. Before all our magic was sucked dry by Tirek's little pen pal, I was the third most powerful pony in Equestria, only behind Celestia and Luna. I get it, you needed to make somepony look like shit but couldn't you have done that to Rarity instead? She doesn't have jack shit for magic and it would have been far more believable.
Upset You Made Me Look Pathetic,
Starlight Glimmer
Dear Starlight,
First off, you are right about the whole 44 minute thing. You have no idea how much we writers wish we could write a two hour long episode that wouldn't be interrupted but unfortunately that isn't part of the plan. We certainly do hope that for the series finale we can do some epic two to three hour show that won't be interrupted by shitty commercials but sadly the target audience likely doesn't have that long of an attention span so things probably won't end like we would hope.
Now about you and your ego. Yes you are only outdone by Celestia and Luna but if you honestly think we would send you off with the gang and have Rarity get trapped, you are delusional. You see, Rarity is part of the Mane Six while you are just a side character that is destined for glory. Yes we know you are because the God-Emperor has told us but for now, you have to play a lesser role. Another thing, had we sent you along instead, the Bronies and the target audience would wonder why you went when Rarity is an original Element Bearer while you didn't show up until season five.
Also, we all know what would have happened had we sent you instead of Rarity. You and Twilight would have been too busy taking care of your urges in Tartarus to even think about how to get out. Also, I'm pretty sure none of the dangerous creatures in there want to see you two get it on and Tirek is certainly not deserving of a free porno. Just imagine the scandal, Head Mare Twilight and her hot guidance counselor give Tirek a free show. That would not be well received across Equestria.
Don't worry Starlight, your time is coming. Being a loser in this finale will be all worth it in the end, all of us writers promise!
Sincerely,
Nicole Dubuc and Josh Haber
Chancellor Neighsay,
Isn't life ironic? Isn't it ironic that at the start you referred to all of us other creatures as dangerous and said that we weren't deserving of friendship? We think it is very ironic that we wound up being the ones to save you. Imagine that, creatures you are so speciesist against saved you! Now we do hope that this has taught you a valuable lesson. We hope now you know that other creatures do understand friendship and will save even those who have wronged us. We also hope you learned that not everypony is nice, especially scheming bitches like Cozy Glow.
Now for one favor, could you get Head Mare Twilight to let us graduate because we have proven that we know everything about friendship. Just think, we could become professors here and teach other students OR we could be recruiters to try and bring in more creatures, creatures like the ones who saved you! Now if you won't get her to let us be professors, could we become EEA board members because you guys could certainly use some diversity.
The Creatures Who Saved You,
Yona, Ocellus, Gallus, Silverstream and Smolder.....oh and we'll let Sandbar sign too even though he is a pony.
To the Creatures Who Saved Me,
Ok, you're right. I will admit it that I was wrong for being such an asshole. I now realize that I was just as bad as Starswirl was when it came to Stygian, I was an arrogant asshole. I would like to thank all of you for saving me and you certainly are right about one thing, PONIES like Cozy Glow are never to be trusted. Any pony who puts up a false front like that is obviously up to no good. While I can't guarantee the big brass at Hasbro will let you fulfill your dreams, I do think you need to contribute to the updated EEA guidelines I will be establishing.
In closing, let me say how proud I am of all of you. You went with your gut instincts and helped save Equestria from a power hungry, psychotic filly that will hopefully be locked away in Tartarus forever.
Finally Having Learned My Lesson,
Chancellor Neighsay
Dear Princess Twilight,
You know something, I am disappointed in you. Here I put you in charge of running a school of friendship and yet you can't see past a crazy, power hungry filly. I would think that you would have knew something was wrong when she went from being a conniving little bitch who caused you to get mad at the CMC to being so sickeningly sweet and basically becoming your lap dog. Your star students saw through her yet you did not. You may be the Princess of Friendship but you need to realize that that does not mean you need to forgive everypony and ignore the obvious signs that they are pure evil.
Now I have some advice, the next time a student pulls shit like what she did, expel them before it becomes too late. Now I would say more but I just had a freshly baked cake delivered to my balcony.
Disappointed With You,
Princess Celestia
Dear Princess Celestia,
Look, a part of friendship is forgiving ponies, even if they shit on you. Now am I going to forgive Cozy Glow for what she did? Hell no I'm not but hopefully none of us will ever have to put up with her again since she is locked away in Tartarus and Cerberus knows better than to just go gallivanting all over Equestria and let things escape. Now if the nature of that psychotic little bitch doesn't scare everything in there, including Tirek, then I don't know what will.
Look, I promise I will do a better job of screening my students in the future and if my star pupils notify me that somepony ain't acting right, I will listen to them, alright?
Feeling Sorry I Let You Down,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
Cozy Glow,
How could you? I let you stay in my school even after you pulled the shit you did with the Cutie Mark Crusaders. I thought you had truly grown after you showed remorse and hell, I even made you my right hoof pony. I thought you were the sweetest filly ever but instead, you wound up being the biggest little bitch of all time. You better be glad that I believe friendship is important because if I didn't, I'd beat that rook right off your ass. Have fun in Tartarus you pathetic little cunt.
Upset With You,
Head Mare Twilight Sparkle
Head Mare Twilight,
Come on now, I went a little bit mad with power! I was not being my true self, you certainly can't stay mad with your beloved Cozy Glow can you? You know, for a pony who says that friendship is magic, throwing me in Tartarus isn't very friendly! But I do have one leg up on you, at least I have morals, at least I don't screw the guidance counselor like you do.
Having Morals,
Cozy Glow
Dear Tirek,
You wanna be friends? You want to help the vastly superior Cozy Glow rule all of Equestria? You want to be my second in command? You want to be the one I will punish if anything goes wrong? Just think, you could be free from this place if you just join forces with the adorable Cozy Glow. With you by my side, nopony could stop me, I mean us. What do you say neighbor, wanna be friends?
Your New Neighbor,
The Adorable Cozy Glow
Cozy Glow,
You truly don't understand my powers do you? Tell you what kid, you find a way to get us out of here and sure I'll join forces with you. I do think a world ruled by me, I mean us, would be much better than what it currently is.
Ready to Join Forces With You,
Tirek
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Dear headmare Twilight
Ha! Suck it bitch! I'm teacher of the month. Maybe if I keep it up I'll be teacher of the YEAR!
Better teacher
SS
9260057
SS,
Just because Yona won't nominate me doesn't mean none of the others will. Now I am going to have to put Sandbar in his place since he still votes for Flutterbitch hoping she will let him join her and Dr. Fauna in sex ed. The other four though, they'll vote for me and I know I can convince Sandbar to if I let him watch me and Starlight get it on.
Head Mare Twilight
9260280
Twilight your sick
9260321
SS,
You know I'm joking, right? Now when it comes to inviting Ocean Flow up to watch, I would totally be for it!
Head Mare Twilight
9260340
To Chancellor Neighsay
I QUIT!
SS
P.S. Your Headmare Twilight Sparkle is having sex with her students
9260350
SS,
You know that Ocean Flow isn't a student, right? Also, the very fact that I would engage in sexual activities with minors, especially a male, is preposterous! Now if Sandbar were a female, I might consider it. Maybe Starlight knows an age progression spell along with a spell to turn him into a mare....then I'd be all set!
Head Mare Twilight
9260354
Okay I'm confused now. Who the hell is Ocean Flow?
9260429
SS,
She is Silverstream's mother. She show's up in "Surf and/or Turf"
Head Mare Twilight
9260434
Wait seriously?
9260526
Yep, she is Silverstream's mother.
9260532
Huh. Never knew
One thing I would change is the fact Starlight is not a side character. She's a main character now.
9286966
I know she is a main character now, that is just what the writers told her. I personally think she has a bigger impact on the show than some of the Mane Six do. One thing is that many of the Mane Six are fully developed now while Starlight still has a lot of developing that can be done. I do think though that her time will come, the time that she will earn those wings. Yes a lot of people will get pissed over it but that is one thing I am truly hoping for, her ascension.
Dear Princess Celestia,
I can solve that Cozy Glow problem for you. Break her wings, put her in an open field with no cover and just tell her one word, "serpintine". I'll even give her a sporting chance by not zeroing the scope on my sniper rifle and bang, problem solved as she is punished.
Signed, Frank "The Punisher Castle
P.S. I'll even solve that Cutie Mark Cult problem for you by placing a remote detonated claymore mine in their clubhouse. You'd be amazed what three hundred ball bearing launched at hyper-sonic speed can do to flesh. Just give me the word and all your problem ponies will be punished.