Shadow Play
Dear Princess Celestia,
Alright, the shit is hitting the fan again. First we had Nightmare Moon, then Discord, then Chrysalis, then Sombra, then Tirek, then Starlight TWICE, then Chrysalis again and then finally we had to put up with the pony of shadows. Seriously, what the hell is up with all this shit? Look, I know you and the big brass at Hasbro need something to cause us problems but this is taking things too far.
Can't things be a bit easier like they were at the start of season seven when I threw Starlight a party and then her and Trixie decided to buck one another all day long? I'm sure your answer to that will be no but still, having to put up with Sunbust or whatever the fuck his name is was a royal pain. If there are certain things in this world that are complete nightmares, putting up with that freak is one of them.
Now as you know I am a tolerant pony for the most part and can deal with almost anything but this was going too far. In my less than infinite wisdom, I decided to try and meet my idol. Yes I decided that I would rescue Starswirl from limbo and hopefully everything would be all peachy. Now I am going to admit that I am not happy. Here I thought everything would be perfectly fine but once again Starlight upstaged me and advised me to not mess with it.
Of course I was too stubborn to listen to her and after my friends rounded up some artifacts, we released the pony of shadows and Starlight gave me one of those "Told you so" looks. Why, why must she always outshine me? Why must she always do things to make me look like an idiot? Well the good thing, we finally tracked the pony of shadows down and in the end we saved this Stygian idiot and banished the shadow pony back into limbo.
The bad thing, Starlight got Starswirl to understand that friendship is magic and rather than praising me, he praised her and said he would have to make a lot of apologies. The nerve of him. Here I am, the star of the show but it is constantly Starlight who is proving herself to be so great. You know what, fuck this shit. You can go ahead and think she is your precious little angel, I've got much better things to do. I have much better things like torturing undesirables and having fun with my friends to take care of.
Upset Starlight Outshined Me,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
Dear Princess Twilight,
You know, I would think that even you would know by this point that Starlight is going to constantly outshine you. I mean seriously, she has been outshining you for years and all you do is bitch about it. Also, I am not thrilled that you would have the audacity to try and free the Old Pillars from limbo. I thought that you would know that doing so would only result in the shit hitting the fan. I swear, you and your Ponyville friends don't have an ounce of common sense do you?
I have some advice for all of you though, listen to Starlight in the future. You see, Starlight knows what she is doing and was able to shine like the star she is. You and your friends could learn a lot from her. Instead of going out, collecting relics and setting evil free, just pay attention to her in the future, alright!
Now I personally think Starswirl was in the right to scold you for screwing things up. I'm going to admit, I'm not a fan of his nor do I like his behavior. I saw some of the things that happened and yes he was a total jackass towards you but hey, you brought it upon yourself. Next time, pay attention to your superior and everything will be just fine!
Happy Starswirl Scolded You,
Princess Celestia
Dear Starlight,
I am completely shocked by some of the things that have happened here recently. Here I thought Twilight was a smart mare yet she goes out and decides to set the pony of shadows free even though you warned her not to. You see, this is why I like you the most. You are smart, you don't make dumb decisions nor do you go all fanfilly over legendary ponies.
Now I am a bit disappointed that you did not do a better job when it came to getting Twilight to pay attention to you. She could have destroyed Equestria for Faust's sake! I suppose I shouldn't be too upset since you did outshine Twilight once again and talked some sense into Stygian. Now I know everypony is going to go off about how wonderful Twilight is and how it was her who saved the day but I know better, I know it was really you who got Stygian to realize that the darkness is not what he wants.
Now let me say this, I do think Trixie may not be overly thrilled with your behavior. I saw how you and Twilight were interacting there in the end. I saw how when nopony else way paying attention that you two started sucking face. I get it, you are a lot like Twilight and get very needy but still, for you to engage in a make out session when you are taken is very uncouth. I wouldn't blame Trixie one bit if she was to abuse you after this fiasco. I'm thinking I might actually let her know because that poor mare deserves better than having you making out with the same pony that nearly destroyed Equestria.
Upset You Kissed Twilight,
Princess Celestia
Dear Princess Celestia,
Look, I did my best when it came to trying to stop Twilight in freeing the pony of shadows. You know damn good and well how she gets in situations like this. She is stubborn as hell and she was so dead set on meeting her idol that I don't think even an act of Faust would have got her to start thinking straight.
Now I am going to let you in on something involving one of the other pillars that most everypony missed. You know Flutterbitch? From what Mist Mane told me, when she along with most everypony else went to Manehattan, she and Meadowbrook got a room and did things that they probably shouldn't have been doing.
Now I think Meadowbrook is nice enough but you really need to tell her that hooking up with Fluttershy is a very bad idea. You need to let her know about Flutterslut and her cheating ways. I certainly would not want to see her getting her heart broke the same way Twilight did. Yes believe it or not but I feel bad for Twilight, or should I say did until she got her groove back.
Now don't you worry about me and Twilight. I have talked with Trixie and she is ok with this as long as I share and I don't think Twilight will mind having fun with both me and Trixie. Hell she even talked about joining her and the flower mares on their next trip up to see her old friends. She even said that if we do, we will set the record for the biggest lesbian orgy with ten. What a shame Lyra wouldn't dump Candy Ass, because then we could make it eleven!
Ready for a Mega-Orgy,
Starlight Glimmer
Dear Stygian,
We are sorry for casting you out and banishing you. We should have known that you would never try to steal all our power. Pride clouded our judgement and we won't do this again.
Sincerely,
The Old Pillars
To The Old Pillars,
It's alright because you wound up getting stuck in limbo as well so we all suffered. Now I do hope that we can all get along again.
Sincerely,
Stygian
P.S. Meadowbrook, I would advise you not pursue anything beyond friendship with that Fluttershy pony. Twilight and I were talking and she told me about her infidelity. I don't want to see your heart get broke. Now when it comes to Twilight, go for it. She may not want commitment but from what I have heard, many, many mares seem to like her.
Dear Starlight,
You just had to do it again, didn't you? You tried giving me advice that I should have listened to but oh no, I just had to go and try to be a big shot. I am honestly thinking about telling Celestia that she just needs to ascend you, make you a princess and have you go home with her because I can't stand always being upstaged by you. Hell I'm surprised Trixie hasn't upstaged me yet since you two are so close.
I hate to eat crow like this but I guess in the future I will take your advice. I should have paid attention when you told me that not only was trying to bring Starswirl back a bad idea but making plans on sacrificing the Elements would have been a bad idea as well. Wait, I did take one bit of your advice so I'm not all bad, right?"
Oh and I would love it if you and Trixie would join me, the flower mares and my old friends on our next trip to Canterlot. If you two did, we would all set the record for the largest lesbian orgy and breaking the old record would really impress Celestia!
Hoping You'll Say Yes,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
Dear Twilight,
Look, next time I give you advice I would advise you follow it. You caused Ponhenge to get destroyed, you caused Starswirl's journal to get destroyed and you brought back the pony of shadows. You better be glad that you had me there or Equestria would have wound up falling. Either it would have fallen rather quickly or if you had lost the Elements, the Tree would have died and then Equestria would have fallen. Either way, I saved your lavender flank yet again.
Just wait, I know a time will come when you will need advice from me again and I certainly hope you will listen to me before you fuck things up big time. Kind of funny I think, for so long it was Spike who saved your ass and now it is me. I honestly wonder if you will ever save yourself or if you will always rely on others. Personally I think it would be funny if you never did and in the absolute end, everypony who has saved your flank at one point or another would get a stained glass window in Celestia's castle.
Happy I Saved Your Flank Again,
Starlight Glimmer
P.S. You are so on when it comes to the orgy. I know that Trixie would love to join me on a trip up to see your old friends. She has wanted to get it on with you since "Boast Busters" and her time will finally come. The Sparkle will finally get to see how Great and Powerful Trixie is!
Dear Sunburst,
I'm going to put this as bluntly as possible. If it were not for you buying that barrel of junk that had my journal in it, you would be completely worthless. I have seen your lack of magical abilities and I can't help but be disgusted. Hell I met the unicorn on the Ponyville buckball team and even he has MORE POWER than you do! I have some advice, go hook up with that guard pony Twilight and Starlight told you about up in the Crystal Empire and leave those two alone! Remember Sunburst, they are lesbians and they will never be interested in you, never!
Knowing You Are a Failure,
Starswirl the Bearded
Starswirl,
Way to rub it in. You know what, some ponies aren't born naturally talented. Oh I'm so sorry that I wasn't born a natural like you and Starlight were. Now I am very upset that you even think some retarded colt has more power than me. I get it, you think I am a failure just like the mares I have failed to hook up with do. And let me make myself clear, I am not a colt-cuddler.
That asshole guard lied to me about having a pet snake. I thought he wanted me to see a real snake, not his damn penis. To make matters worse, he wanted a relationship but with me but no, just no. It will be a cold day on the sun before I listen to everypony about that guard.
Upset Everypony Thinks I'm a Colt-cuddler,
Sunburst
Sunburst,
Look at it this way, at least somepony would give a shit about you if you got with the guard, right?
Laughing,
Starswirl the Bearded.
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Why is everyone focusing so much on Fluttershy's infidelity rather than her being a horrifically abusive girlfriend?
And now season 8.
9196952
Because in the eyes of many, infidelity is classified as worse than being abusive.
9197051
There is still the movie coming AND a special letter from the Old Pillars before School Daze!
9197457
...Yeah, I have to disagree with that sentiment.
9197457
I think with the movie Twilight won't be able to have horn sex with Tempest Shadow, since her horn is broken.
9197503
You'll have to wait and see, I'm not going to spoil things.
9197472
In my opinion, they are quite equal. Although if I had to choose, I'd pick an abusive yet loyal girlfriend/wife over a cheater.
9197534
I wouldn’t take either, both are bad, but abuse is worse!
9197571
Well I suppose everyone has their own views on what is worse. I view disloyalty in a relationship as not only horrible, but an insult as well.
9197960
More horrible and insulting than being beaten, chained up, borderline raped, and psychologically broken like both Twilights more or less were?
9198428
In my opinion, yes. Had to put up with both in the past and abuse with loyalty is better than infidelity.
9198863
Why?
9198863
Umm not to step on any toes, I'm very sorry you had to go through that and hope you currently have a nice and loyalty parter, but couldn't the abuser end up accidentally or intensionaly killing you I mean I have never been in love but something that would make you someone else's puppet seems more severe than someone who doesn't understand the meaning of the word loyalty, both are horrible and no one should have to experience ether but I just don't follow you logic
Wow sunburst just go fuck flash and get laid already damn!
10535220
I wrote a story where that ALMOST happened. They actually became a couple but then Flash dumped him out of fear of getting kicked out of the guard so Sunburst killed him, cut him open and ate his heart before accidentally stabbing himself in the heart.