Unpleasant Correspondence

by StormLuna

Rock Solid Friendship

Dear Princess Celestia,

Hi. Well I had to pick between Ghastly Gorge and Ponyville to live now that I have my rocktorate. I chose Ponyville because I am friends with Starlight Glimmer now. Bye.

Maud Pie

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Dear Maud,

Hi. Guess what, I don't care. Bye.

Princess Celestia

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Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I learned that I shouldn't have tried to force Maud to make friends the way I would. I learned that we all make friends differently and not everypony talks about feelings or smiles all the time. Luckily my sister Maud and Starlight are friends now so my big sister best friend forever will be staying in Ponyville! Woo-hoo!

Glad Maud Stayed in Ponyville,

Pinkie Pie

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Dear Pinkie Pie,

That is nice and all but I thought even you would know that not everypony befriends others the same way that you do. I have been wanting to say this for years but I'm finally going to. You, Pinkie Pie, are annoying, obnoxious and act like an irrational mare-foal 90% of the time. Just think, if you were to put your time into something productive like turning into Pinkamena and torturing law breakers since Twilight is too much of a doormat to do so anymore, ponies may respect you more.

In the future though, I would advise you just let your sister and Starlight interact the way they want to. They aren't into discussing feelings and they sure the hell don't need you interfering in their friendship.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

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Dear Princess Celestia,

Well I was excluded again but I don't mind because it gave Fluttershy and I time to bond more. Today we just laid in bed, held one another close and told one another how much we loved one another. If this is what being excluded is about, I could put up with it quite a bit more. Anyway, I would write more but Fluttershy is giving me a seductive look inviting me to join her in bed.

Loving Fluttershy,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

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Dear Doormat,

The only reason I'm replying to this sorry excuse of a letter is so I can say this, YOU ARE PATHETIC, COMPLETELY PATHETIC. Now I must cut this short because I have cake to eat before your sweet words make me lose my appetite.

Always Superior to You,

Princess Celestia