Unpleasant Correspondence

by StormLuna

A Canterlot Wedding

Author's Note:

Starting with "A Canterlot Wedding," I will be doing the two part episodes as one chapter instead of two separate ones.

Dear Princess Celestia,

What the fuck, I have a brother? I sure the hell don't remember that growing up before my parents decided to curse you upon me. So this brother, did he live with one of my aunts or uncles? That had to be the case because once I was born, I know my parents would have picked me because of my superiority. Oh well, if this is what the big brass at Hasbro wants so they can sell more toys, I suppose I'll play along, anything to keep the series going and glorify me even further will be worth it.

Oh and now this guy is marrying some princess I've never heard of and you honestly expected me to care? Yes I know my acquaintances are all excited for this but I'm just going to do what is expected of me. I'll make sure nothing goes straight to hell, which I'm sure it will since you're officiating the wedding, get it over with and go visit Twinkleshine or one of my other old friends for a bootie-call since I'll be in town.

And what the hell was up with all the security? The way you had that place guarded one would think that I was marrying Twinkleshine or Minuette for Faust's sake! I do have some advice, I'm certain that increase in security cost a small fortune so I would advise you bill this princess's parents or whatever miserable, pathetic place she came from. It shouldn't be up to the taxpayers to fund some stupid wedding.

After meeting this so-called "brother" I met the bitch she was supposed to marry and allegedly she was supposed to be my foalsitter. What the actual fuck? Memo to Hasbro, I did not have a foalsitter! I was so mature that I was going out in public on my own and putting lesser bitches in their place the day I got out of my diapers so no need to soil my name by making up this foalsitter claim.

About this princess, what a bitch! What the hell does this Shining Armor guy even see in her. My guess is that he knocked her up, she is having huge hormonal problems and he is being forced to marry her. No other way in Tartarus would anypony ever marry somepony with that attitude.

I'm going to let you in on something, I think she may have promised to initiate these acquaintances as friends because all of a sudden they are bowing down and licking the shit off of her ass while I am trying to convince them that she is a bitch and that this Shining Armor, despite me not knowing him, should leave her. Yeah he'd have to pay foal support but that would be preferable to suicide after three months of putting up with this Mi Amore Cadenza.

Now about that practice ceremony, here I was trying to protect this idiot from a future that involved suicide and he got mad at me for calling that bitch evil! What an ungrateful bastard he is, maybe I should just have said, "Screw this shit, I'm going to find one of my old friends and have some fun." Of course this was one of my stupid moments and I decided to give a shit.

On top of that, those lowly acquaintances of mine got pissed at me and so did you. I would think you would be able to see that I was right, that that princess was nothing more than an evil bitch. Now for the proof, that cunt wound up using some freaky spell to throw me into these caves under the city that nopony knew about.

About these caves, I'm actually glad I got sent down there because I found a pony that looked just like that bitch down there, except that this one was nice. Now this one claimed to be my foalsitter but we all know that was a lie since I never needed one. Given that this one was the one who was really supposed to marry that pony who is allegedly my brother, I saw an opportunity.

Since she was supposed to become my sister-in-law, I decided to see if she wanted to be my friend and you're not going to believe this. All it took was a few sweet words and a seductive smile to bag her. We initiated one another right down there in the caves and damn she is good! I'm honestly thinking of telling Shining Armor that Cadence is a ho and how easy she was to seduce. Maybe then he will leave her and she can become my live-in, full time sex sla....., I mean friend.

As you know, we eventually made it up there to stop the wedding. We would have made it there sooner but when you're having fun, you lose track of time. Now I do have one question for you, when Chrysalis finally revealed herself, how is it that she was able to knock you out cold? You are supposed to be the most powerful pony out there yet this pony-bug hybrid put you in your place? Talk about pathetic, absolutely pathetic. Hell all I would have needed was a can of Raid and I could have taken her down.

I think I have finally realized why you expect me and my acquaintances to take on these villains. It is because you are weak, horribly weak. A glorified bug beat you and its minions put you in a cocoon so of course we had to go and get the Elements but you see, even we couldn't stop an army that large. Now naturally I thought Equestria was fucked and we'd all be enslaved by a bug but because of love energy of all things, she and her army were defeated and I wouldn't be denied the things that I need the most.

I have some advice for you Celestia, you might want to get better security and discover methods to tell changelings apart from the real deal and when it comes to Cadence, the method would be simple, see if she would put out for me. If she would, then it is Cadence but if not, then it is a changeling.

Your Princess Seducing Student,

Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Now that I've bagged Cadence, next up is Luna. Given that she is a friend of mine, I'm sure seducing her will be a piece of cake!

---

To My Little Seductress,

Wait a minute, you actually managed to screw Cadence just like that? Now I know for sure that you are right, she is a ho. You can't even get PETA girl to put out but you cause a princess to fold like a lawn chair? I suppose I should be impressed but I'm not. The fact that you had the audacity to screw Cadence while your brother was about to marry a fraud sickens me.

What if you and Cadence hadn't got up here in time? I would have remained imprisoned in goop, Equestria would have been enslaved by a freaky bug/pony hybrid and you probably would have never had another spa appointment again in your miserable, pathetic life.

I'm quite sure though that family get-togethers are going to be very awkward for you and Cadence. Most everypony will be enjoying one another's company while you and Cadence will be nervous, very nervous. You two will be sticking together like glue, giving one another seductive looks and everypony will know something is going on. Everypony will know you're waiting for the right moment to go and screw each other and when you do, they'll follow and catch you.

Just think about your poor brother Twily, he will divorce Cadence over it, lose his role as a prince and then chances are Cadence will want to marry you and you'll become Princess Twi........No, just no. That is the last thing I need, you being a princess. You are already too much of a narcissistic, self-absorbed cunt to start with. If you ever wound up having that fancy title in front of your name, you'd be a hundred times worse than you are already.

I'm going to give you this advice and I shall do the same with Cadence, don't go acting weird around others when you're together, alright? I'm pretty sure neither one of you want to see a stallion, especially one as honorable as Shining Armor, having his heart crushed and suddenly having every single pony in the country despise you more than the most hated villains in pony history.

How about this, go to the spa more often and keep your hooves off of Cadence. The last thing we need is a royal scandal involving a princess screwing her sister-in-law. I say this because it might make ME look bad and if you are responsible for making me look bad, your punishment will be very harsh. My sister has a spell to banish ponies to the sun and I might just let her use it on a disobedient little seductress.

Making Sure to Keep You in Line,

Princess Celestia

Comments

[aline1]

Why do I suspect that it wasn't twilight who did the seducing...

Also something I've wondered for a while, now that Luna's back I wonder if she'll put a stop to Celestia likely long history of taking foals from their parents and screwing them up then tormenting them and their families(assuming that the foals aren't really hers and their families aren't just adoptive families).

[Ri2]

Celestia never explained how she lost so easily.

[qwoto]

8964669
It's probably along the lines of 'shining armor loves cadence a lot'

[StormLuna]

8959609

I honestly don't think Luna would have any say over her school for gifted unicorns. Look at the other students, she doesn't troll them non-stop like she does Twilight....and yes it was Twilight who did the seducing.