Hearts and Hooves Day
Dear Princess Celestia,
Well it is that time of year again, Hearts and Hooves Day. Ugh I hate this so called holiday, it is pointless, completely pointless. It is just something ponies do to keep the floral industry in business, the greeting card industry in business and to a lesser extent, the candy companies in business. What a shame it isn't like Nightmare Night and we could fatten a lot of ponies up so I could take one to the taxidermist.
I tried avoiding going out and about on that day but then I remembered I had an afternoon at the spa planned and for some odd reason, the twins wanted to learn about the history of this cursed day so I took a book with me but then I made the mistake of allowing the cutie mark cult to borrow it. I'm not sure exactly what happened but I did hear rumors that they committed highly illegal activities.
With that being the case I think this "holiday" needs to be banned. It has horrible origins and what is the worse thing, an earth pony prince doped up an Alicorn princess so she would want him and nothing else. That is disgusting and with you being an Alicorn, I would think that you would rid this nation of such a horrible celebration.
Hoping You'll Scrap this Miserable "Holiday,"
Twilight Sparkle
Dear Princess Celestia,
I am pissed, very pissed. Three little cunts in my class that I thought were good fillies wound up drugging me and Applejack's non-talkative brother. I am not sure how to punish them but I do know that if I did what I wanted to, I would wind up in prison. Perhaps I could let you punish them for serving me and Big Mac that stupid love poison from one of Twilight's books. Hell, maybe you should punish Twilight for giving them the book instead.
Sincerely,
Miss Cheerilee
Dear Princess Celestia,
We know that we have made some ponies mad at us and we know what we did was wrong but our hearts and hooves were in the right place. If we promise never to meddle in the personal lives of any ponies again, could you please not punish us.
Your Faithful Subjects,
Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo
To My Hearts and Hooves Day Hating Student,
Come to think of it, this idiotic holiday does have terrible origins. Yes I know I will piss off certain industries but I have decided that you do make a point. Tomorrow, I shall issue an edict banning the celebration of Hearts and Hooves Day. In its place I shall proclaim that every February 14th everypony shall celebrate Alicorn Supremacy Day. It will be a day where ponies all over the land shall show allegiance towards the Master Race, barring a horrible physical ailment, by traveling to Canterlot and bringing Luna and myself gifts, incredibly expensive gifts, worthy of our greatness.
Just to make it extra funny, since it was an earth pony prince who poisoned an Alicorn princess, earth ponies will have to pay me the most homage BUT since you gave those idiotic fillies that book, you will have to pay me even more. What all I'm going to expect out of you I'm not sure of yet but if you can't give me something truly worthy of my greatness, I'll just jack up your parents' taxes and use those extra funds to have a golden statue of myself put in every community in Equestria.
Now remember this Twily, you have one year to save up the funds to buy me something truly great. Maybe if you whore yourself out to Rarity she will toss you a few bits every now and then. Just one little bit of advice, don't get me anything silver because I hate silver. If it is jewelry or extra fancy regalia, it better be gold or you'll have yourself a nice, permanent lunar vacation.
Waiting for a Nice Gift from You,
Princess Celestia
To Cheerilee,
Don't worry, I already have something planned for those three. Let's just say that my maids will be getting a week off. I would advise though that you don't let the cutie mark cult make up any school work that they will miss. If they are to truly learn their lesson, I can't be the only one to punish them, you had better do so yourself.
Hoping You'll Punish the Cutie Mark Cult,
Princess Celestia
P.S. Don't worry, I have a punishment planned for Twilight for giving those little bitches that book.
To the Cutie Mark Cunts,
Alright you little bitches, listen to me and listen to me closely. I am summoning the three of you up to Canterlot immediately. For producing, possessing and serving that highly illegal love poison to two ponies completely unaware that you were doing it, I hereby sentence you to a full week of cleaning the whole palace top to bottom. That should teach you to not try to use a mind controlling potion to control other ponies' minds. Get up here within two hours or I will come down there, abduct you myself and that sentence will be two weeks.
Regardless though, my sister will oversee you three and make sure you do a good job. If you fail to meet her expectations, which are very high, you will find yourself on the sun before you can blink your eyes, got it?
Your New Master,
Princess Celestia
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.......I get the CMC do a bunch of shit that can hurt others *cough* Ponyville confidential *cough cough* Anon a Miss *cough* but does that really mean abduction and possible child abuse is a good option?
Although thinking about it I'd bet this Celestia would hoof herself to Sweet Apple Massacre in her spare time.
8946729
Forcing them to go up and clean the castle also takes place in "Celestia's Views" as well. This Celestia isn't the kind, understanding princess from the show. Just wait until "Magical Mystery Cure" though, her bitchiness and trolling will go to a whole new level.
I've never read "Sweet Apple Massacre" but I'm assuming it is a rather bloody gorefic.
Regarding Ponyville Confidential, that one will be lots of fun too!
8946737
Never read Celestia's Views but S.A.M is worse than that. If your a gore, rape, and foalcon fan that story is for that. Summary: Big Mac rapes and kills the CMC.....and possibly Applejack.
Given the CMC propensity for accidental mayhem and destruction, is it really wise of Celestia to have them cleaning in the same building as she personally lives in?
What happens if ponies can't afford to buy a 'nice enough' gift? Or can't make it in time?
8946803
I despise foalcon so that definitely wouldn't be something I would read.
8946810
Luna will be overseeing them and if they cause any problems, a temporary solar vacation would await them....until they are needed in the show again.
8946845
It depends. If they can't make it in time, she will understand if they live far enough away. If they are ill and can't make it, she will understand. If they don't buy her something "nice enough" she will force them to clean the castle for a few days....and if they are a GOOD baker, fix her cakes.
8947161
Might want to remind Celestia then to keep the CMC a safe distance from the red stallion then
8947170
In my ponyverse, Big Mac isn't like that so they'd be safe around him....a Twilight who is hungry for foal meat is the real threat.
8947230
Granted Celestia doesn't really care about them.....
They should see if Zecora adopts.
8947280
Well Zecora would adopt Apple Bloom since she wasn't such a xenophobe when Zecora first showed up in "Bridle Gossip." I have always thought that if something happened to Granny, AJ and Big Mac while AB is still a filly, that Zecora could adopt her and raise her to be wise like her.....and rhyme like her.
Well this one was funny.
10501664
I'm glad you liked it.