Appledashery

by Just Essay

Tradition? (Tradition!)

"Leave flying squirrel be!" Brucie hollered over his bushy tail as he jumped from branch to branch. His goggles reflected a horizon full of burning trees in the distance. "Go back to Mageectal Morrsal Landz of horrse cuddlez and peekneeks! At least zere pony haz all cheepmunks can huff, da?"

"Dude! Enough with the friggin' chimpunks!" Rainbow glided over and above tree branches in her desperate pursuit. Despite her speedy gift of flight, she found it hard to even keep up with the curious creature. "About what you said earlier! Can you really give me information on the dragons?" She huffed, puffed, and panted. "Like... how to get into their Castle without being seen?"

The squirrel paused to perch on a lofty branch. He took a long, deep breath, smiling under his goggles. "Ahhhhh... doez pony smell zat? Ze lovely pony smell frragrrant pine zcent in air?"

"Erm... the forest is totally burning to ashes around us, dude."

"Da! And whose fault izzat?!" The large rodent spat in her face. "Ze idiot pony whoze already been eenside squirrel castle! Vhy zhould Brucie help pony who zhinks zhe can eenfiltrate floating lair on her own?! Nyet!" He flew off, wing-flaps rippling again in the wind. "Go start more fires elsevhere in land of clop clop!"

"Hold on..." Rainbow grimaced. "Did... did you just... hey!" She floundered in her attempts to keep up with him, dodging burning ashes as her pursuit took them on a path that skirted the burning patches of forest. "Did you just call that place the 'squirrel castle?'"

"Da. But zat iz no concern of pony." Brucie shook his head as he leapt from tree to tree. "Zhe doezn't have money for eenformation, so Brucie haz no eenformation for pony!"

"Okay, so I didn't bring any bits with me—"

"Bits! Bah! Bars?! Bah! Gil—"

Rainbow flung her wings with a massive burst of air, finally managing to fly backwards directly in front of him. "But—!" She glared into his whiskery face. "—instead of bits, what about service?"

Brucie lingered on the branch of a burning tree. He folded his paws and glared at the hovering mare. "Fine. Brucie eez leestening..."

Rainbow's brow furrowed as she said, "All I want from the Castle is a certain staff full of rocks that the dragons have."

"Da. Flame Staff."

"You... you know about it?"

"Pffft!" Brucie spat into the burning forest beneath them. "Of courrse Brucie doez! Eez reason vhy drragons drrove squirrels out of squirrel castle! Vhy, eef Brucie had Flame Staff, Brucie vould drrive drragon poop out zhrough drragon mouth! Zen ve see who drrinks whoze filth! Hah!"

"Look, I don't particularly care who the Castle actually belongs to," Rainbow said. "Obviously Big Boss got it through magical means... chaotic magical means. Now, I don't know my way around the place, and I admit it. That's kinda sorta the reason why I failed so horribly at sneaking into the lair to begin with. But... if you can help me sneak through it, then I promise to rid Aatxe of his Flame Staff and then everything should come falling back into your paws... erm... right...?"

Brucie stroked his furry chin. "Doez pony actually expect Brucie have faith een such stupeed plan?"

"Look, dude. You're—like—the size of a hippo fart." Rainbow frowned. "And that's coming from a pony whom the powers at be love to call 'petite.'" She pointed up at the floating shadow high above them. "That thing's been hanging over your head for—what—how long? And you still haven't managed to lasso it back down? Something tells me you're not getting any closer to reclaiming your 'squirrel castle' on your own. So... y'know... don't look a gift pegasus in the mouth. I'm making an offer here. My help for your Flame Staff. No acorns attached." She held a hoof out. "So whaddya say?"

Brucie looked at her hoof, then at her. He then produced a cigar from seemingly nowhere, casually lit it against the burning tree next to him, and took a mighty puff. Exhaling, the sentient squirrel allowed the smoke to fog up his goggles, and then he smiled—his incisors showing.

"Da... pony makes good offer. Very good, Brucie zhinks."

"Then it's a deal?"

He waved a paw. "Veel have to run eet by Mozer first."

"Huh?" Rainbow blinked awkwardly, leaning back. "'Mother?'"

"Come!" Brucie took off, his cigar forming a vaporous trail as he soared through the forest canopy. "Follow Brucie to underground squirrel burrow! Vill have much discuss! And nuts, da? Honey and rroasted! Hah! Quickly, pony! Before sun sets on seessy seelk fur!"

Comments

[WhitewolfStormrunner]

Brother. The weird characters that Rainbow runs into in this story.........

[Mister Saxon]

Brucie looked at her hoof, then at her. He then produced a cigar from seemingly nowhere, casually lit it against the burning tree next to him, and took a mighty puff. Exhaling, the sentient squirrel allowed the smoke to fog up his goggles, and then he smiled—his incisors showing.

I laughed at this a lot harder than I should have.

[RoboRed]

The best part about this? Exploration of Skirts'/Colon's/Essay's squirrel society headcanon/lore. Oh, I can't wait.

[JodiePonyPuddinAndPie]

LSHIDMTAMSFO
(Laughed so hard I dropped my taco and my sombrero fell off)

[Sam the Anti-Ninja]

6422334 Dude, you haven't even met the slightly stranger than normal ones. Never underestimate Skirts/Colons level of insanity.

[Leftover of Saikano]

You know what would be unexpected? If every other squirrel had no notable accent.

[Nasty Mister Monket]

Brucie looked at her hoof, then at her. He then produced a cigar from seemingly nowhere, casually lit it against the burning tree next to him, and took a mighty puff. Exhaling, the sentient squirrel allowed the smoke to fog up his goggles, and then he smiled—his incisors showing.

He has cancer stick!
Alright then, I suppose his random, bewildering and utterly impossible presence in this story can be forgiven.

[Hestia]

This arc is totally nutty.

[WhitewolfStormrunner]

6422989 Oh, I know that. i'm just waiting to see what else he comes up with for our dear Dash.

[zaponator]

Next chapter she meets a goblin named Warden.

...wait, that never happened.

[Sheendough]

6422945 Yo derramé mi pozole, no tuve puente y ni siquiera es el Grito hoy.

[FloydienSlip]

Harmony? (Harmony!)

[Aatxe360]

6422343

I expect musicals. Lots and lots of musicals.

[JodiePonyPuddinAndPie]

6423823 I assume that this is my sleeper cell activation phrase. In which case: the watermelon is banana ketchup covered and airborne! I repeat, the watermelon is covered in banana ketchup and airborne!

[Sheendough]

6424250 Not a Mexican? No pozole for you!

[JodiePonyPuddinAndPie]

6424328 nooooo

[Shipmun]

Brucie looked at her hoof, then at her. He then produced a cigar from seemingly nowhere, casually lit it against the burning tree next to him, and took a mighty puff.

All is right with the world.

Wait, underground squirrel burrow? I had assumed that the castle was floating rather quickly towards Equestria. And if the squirrels owned the castle before the dragons took it... Why would they have a burrow nearby?

I'm confuzzled

[PropMaster]

Aw yiss. Russian Squirrels. This is going to be amazing.

[DrEggnog]

"And that's coming from a pony whom the powers at be love to call 'petite.'"

This arc isn't all that bizarre, and yet I swear the "fuck it" levels are higher than ever before.

[arancaytar]

And that's coming from a pony whom the powers at be love to call 'petite.'

[Jackattack2]

6425918

I think they may have made the burrow after the castle got taken.

[another strix]

This title of perfect, because I have the 'to life' song from fiddler on the roof stuck in my head rn