Appledashery

by Just Essay

Can You Paint With All the Colors of the Wince

"Okay..."

Rainbow inhaled.

"Alright..."

Rainbow exhaled.

"I can do this..."

She glided gently north, passing over the thundering stampede of buffalo. Her wings sliced through the rising cloud of dirt that their heavy hooves made. Within minutes, she watched as her shadow crossed their hairy figures. The Hump Gang's hideout loomed a few meters north along the desert road slicing path Los Alamules.

"I've dealt with buffalo before." Rainbow clenched her jaw. "What's the worst that could happen?" She blinked, and her ears drooped. "Aside from a few headbutt-induced migraines, of course."

A long, lethargic groan exited her lips.

"Buck it. I gotta do this or else everything's busted." She muttered out the side of her muzzle. "Boy... wouldn't that be a shame?"

With a deep, deep breath...

...Rainbow barreled sideways... and dove towards the path ahead of the stampeding herd.

---

Over a hundred buffalo thundered north, leaving dust and hazy tremors in their wake.

Suddenly, a blue figure streaked down, landing nimbly in front of them.

The head of the herd narrowed his eyes. He raised a hoof, whistling shrilly into the air. Slowly—over the course of twenty seconds—the entire herd stumbled to a stop. Feathery headdresses and multi-colored beads danced in the desert breeze. They collectively blinked at the petite pegasus in front of them.

Rainbow Dash flexed her chest muscles, opened her muzzle wide, and shouted, boomingly: "Hey! Buffalo! Buffalo back to your buffalo homes, buffalo! These stampede grounds are too buffalo dangerous for the buffalo hating Hump Gang, buffalo! If you buffalo get buffalo near to their headquarters, the mules might start a buffalo war! There's a bunch of mules headed this way as we buffalo speak, buffalo! So, for your own buffalo sake, buffalo in another buffalo direction! Buffffffalooooo!" Her voice cracked, and she almost collapsed, panting for breath amidst a fresh curtain of sweat.

The buffalo stared at her. They exchanged blank expressions, then squinted at the mare in their way.

"Uhhhhh..." The head of the stampede frowned. "...that's pretty racist."

Rainbow wheezed, wiped the sweat from her brow, and looked up. "Mrmmmff... huh? What?"

"Yeah. Way to promote an outrageous stereotype, dude," uttered another buffalo.

"Uhm..." Rainbow's eyes fluttered. "Actually, I'm a girl."

"How do you feel to be the target of a gross generalization for once?"

Another buffalo stepped up. "Look... I know the media paints us in really lame... colorful ways. But buffalo just don't... spit out 'buffalo' at random."

"Yeah..." A buffalo behind him nodded, feathers flouncing. "...or yell at the top of their lungs."

"Like... that's a gross and unrealistic myth." One frowned. "It's almost like you're confusing us with mountain buffalo or some crap."

Rainbow blinked. "Hah!" She blushed, rubbing the back of her head. "Hahaha... hehhhhh... yeah." A gulp. "That's pr-pretty lame of me, huh? But... uh... go figure! Heheh..." She swallowed a lump down her throat. "Typical... dumb... ignorant tourist... amirite?"

"You do know that Las Pegasus is in that direction, right?" one buffalo pointed northeast.

"Oh! Totally! I was just... uhm..."

"Only ponies who come out this far are unicorns doing anthropological studies," the head of the stampede said. "Or else..." He raised an eyebrow. "...are you looking to experiment with mind-expanding meditation?"

"Huh? What—no!"

"Because that shit only gets sold in the city, girl—"

Rainbow Dash waved her forelimbs dramatically. "That's not the reason why... guh... I mean—"

"What's this you were rambling on about the Hump Gang?"

"Look..." Rainbow sighed, pointing northwest. "The mules have this hideout in the heart of Los Alamules. A bunch of the Hump Gang guys are heading along this path to return home."

"Oh, we know."

Rainbow blinked. "You do...?"

"Uh... yeah?" The buffalos smirked at one another. "We've only been stampeding over these grounds for—like—generations."

"Heh... generations upon generations."

"But you're right about one thing," the leader said. "We friggin' hate the mules around these parts. Lousy flankstabbing blowhards..."

"So... uhm..." Rainbow Dash shrugged. "What's the deal with the stampede? Aren't you afraid of locking horns with them?"

"We desert buffalo aren't afraid of nothing." The leader rolled his eyes. "But... goring the ever-loving snot out of mules is boring."

"SUPER boring," another buffalo said as the rest nodded in muttering agreement.

"So... we just hang a right before we come close to their compound," the leader explained. "That way we can still enjoy most of the stampede grounds and make a full circle... returning home to the reservation before nightfall."

"Huh..." Rainbow Dash blinked. "Well... that's pretty cool."

"Still, for what it's worth, we're glad that a random pony like you gives a damn," the leader said.

The others nodded and smirked. "Yeah! Most tourists from Las Pegasus wouldn't bother to warn us about anything."

"Right. They just stop their carriage by the side of the road and ask if we have any oranges to sell."

"And I'm like... 'what is this, Mexicolt?'"

"Hahahaha..."

"Hah! Yeah! Go back to Canterlot, ya fuzzy-coated pillow humper!"

"Friggin' anorexic horses made outta fruit," the leader said. He then winced. "Erm... n-no offense."

"None taken," Rainbow murmured, smirking. "So... you cool?"

"Yo, we're frosty."

"Alright. Then I guess I'll be on my way—"

"I gotta ask." The leader squinted. "Just what business does an out-of-town pegasus like you have with the Hump Gang—"

"Ohjeezlookatthetime!" Fwoooooooosh! Rainbow soared skyward in a flash, creating a miniature sonic boom.

"Wowsers..." One buffalo whistled. "That chick is crazy fast."

"Well, haven't you heard?" Another smirked. "Pegasi have more fast-twitch muscle fibers in their limbs."

"Rnnnngh..." The leader rolled his eyes and gave the signal to resume the stampede. "...remind me to stick some rattlesnakes in your outhouse when we get home."

"What?"

Before long, the herd thundered off, gradually making a bend towards the east.

Comments

[krakentoa]

This one is pretty ok.

[Sharp Quill]

Conservation of good fortune demands that the remainder of this heist will go as badly as the encounter with the buffalo went well.

[RoboRed]

...what.

[zaponator]

...hah!

[Sir Mediocre]

7205010 Funny how a thing as nebulous and fickle as fortune adheres to such a mathematically sound principle.

[Tim the Planes-pony]

Well that simultaneously went better and worse than expected.

[DrEggnog]

Well now I need to see Colors of the Wind again, since it's, like, better than the rest of the movie combined.

[Jern]

"Uhhhhh..." The head of the stampede frowned. "...that's pretty racist."

Still not as racist as:

The buffalo stared at her. They exchanged blank expressions, then squinted at the mule in their way.

Friggin' hypocritical buffalo.

[Sam the Anti-Ninja]

7205010
7205614
That, and JE has an audience to torture entertain. It'd be kinda dull if it was as simple as Zoop in, grab the goods, Zoop out, Profit.

[Leftover of Saikano]

Racist Dash. She and AJ really are made one for the other.

[arancaytar]

"Uhhhhh..." The head of the stampede frowned. "...that's pretty racist ."

[arancaytar]

7206426
Racist Dash, Racist Dash, one two three four.

[berrytone]

Extra muscles in her wings? That's why they need them to stop the atrophy.