Appledashery

by Just Essay

GG Uninstall

"Unnnfff..." Rainbow Dash crawled to her hooves. The rancid smell of avian feces and molting wings filled her nostrils, and she nearly regurgitated within the same breath. Covering her muzzle, she glanced around her dismal domain with twitching eyes.

The roost was filled to the brim with griffons of all sizes, shapes, and sexes. They lounged about like a pride of lions, but sporadically shrieked and chirped like a cage full of parrots. Several hawk-eyes drifted Rainbow's way, before returning to upsidedown magazines and scrapbooks full of rodent dissection photos. A few thick-muscled thugs nipped at one another, their beaks chipped from days of fighting and butting heads. In the far corner, a wall-eyed thing with peacock feathers repeatedly bumped into a skull-shaped impression set within the crumbling plaster.

As Rainbow Dash stood up, Lancie made himself scarce, scurrying to the deepest pocket of her saddlebag. With a slight grunt, the pegasus brushed her hooves off, flexed her wings, then smiled at the group. "So... uh... how about them Atlantrot Hawks, huh?"

WHAMMMM! A thick talon pummeled Rainbow Dash, sending her into the delapidated kitchen. "SHUT UP, GRAMPS!" Fibb spat. "I'M ALLERGIC TO SPORTS!"

"Ooofa!" Rainbow stumbled against the kitchen sink.

"NOW DO THE DISHES!" Fibb sneered, randomly punching a pelican-faced groupie to his right. "OR ELSE!"

"Dishes...?!" Rainbow immediately retched, for right in front of her was a basin filled to the brim with partially nibbled ham bones. "But... but this is just a bunch of animal—"

"I SAID DO THE DISHES OR FIBB SIT ON YOU!"

"Okay! Okay! Uhhh..." Rainbow gulped, grabbing a random dish-rag and using it to "scrub" a thick rib bone "clean." "Whew! This soap suuuure is sudsy!" She tried looking out the kitchen window while rubbing concentric circles. A spiderweb full of black widows scurried clean, and the glass behind was too grimy with seagull poop to reflect her quivering muzzle. "Do you... uh... want me to touch up the spatulas too?"

"HELL NO!" Fibb stomped stomped stomped his way across the living room and SLAMMED his lion butt down into an oversized lazy chair. "THAT WILL GIVE SPATULAS THE WRONG IDEA! SQUAAAWWWK! TWEETERRRR!"

"C-coming right up, boss!" The vulture-thing skittered over on scrawny limbs. He body-pressed himself to the floor, spine up, right before the lazy chair. "Here you go—" FWUMMP! He wheezed, his body quivering from the weight of Fibb's lower talons resting on his tailbone. "Gnnkkkt... nice... w-work on the cankles, Fibb!"

"SHUT UP! FOOTSTOOLS DO NOT PREACH RELIGION!" Fibb leaned back, whistling into the air. "PUNCHING BAAAGS!"

A pair of bruised griffons shuddered, nevertheless floating over on quivering wings until they hovered directly above the chair. "Here you go, boss. But... haven't you done enough 'sparring?'"

"HAH HAH HAH! SILLY PUNCHING BAGS!" Fibb repeatedly slammed his knuckles against them, and the two pummeled griffons did their best to float in place. "IF I WANTED TO REALLY REALLY TRAIN, I WOULD HAVE CALLED FOR THE TREADMILL!"

In the far corner, a pale griffon with a savagely bent spine shrieked, spun about, and dove suicidally out the nearest window. CRASSSH!

Rainbow winced. She tossed the rib-bone over her shoulder, grabbed a raccoon's pelvis from the sink, and began "scrubbing" it with the dishrag instead. Gulping, she looked to her right.

"Hey boys!" An athletic griffon shuffled up with a newspaper. He motioned some of Fibb's groupies over and pointed at the front page article. "Check it out! According to this, the Griffon Empire pushed the Minotaur Militia out of Griffonstone! Woohoo! Go us!"

The others squinted at the page. One looked over, frowning. "Clyde... this newspaper is over forty years old."

The athlete blinked. "You bastard!" Clyde pounced on his friend, wringing his feathered neck. "What did you do to time?! TELL ME!"

The others cheered him on while the pounced griffon wheezed desperately for air.

"... ... ..." Rainbow blinked. She looked to her left.

Two female griffons with rosy feathers sat side by side.

"So... Fibb asked me to the dance on Saturday night."

"Oh really?" The other examined her talons, sneering out the side of her beak. "Does he realize that dances are places that you go to without shedding blood?"

"Pffft. The Hell does that matter? Squawwwk! The Governor's Grandkid means free punch."

"Heh... that's not all that's free." Suddenly, the other female griffon jolted in place. She dropped what she was doing and stood up, revealing a bright white egg in her thatched seat. "Omigosh! Omigosh! Velma, look!"

The griffon took one glance, squawked, and slammed the raw egg over her friend's skull. "YOU HUSSEY!" SMASH!

With panther-like shrieks, both creatures pounced on one another, striking each other with the cat-ends first. They rolled across the room, knocking lounging griffons off their talons and bumping into a half-shattered liquor cabinet.

"HEY! CHICKS!" Fibb hollered between pummeling strikes of the two groupies above him. "WHILE YOU'RE OVER THERE WHY DON'T YOU GRAB ME A DRINK?! CUZ GRAMPS IS TOO DAMN LAZY!"

Rainbow grimaced, tossing the pelvis over her shoulder.

Lancie poked his head out. "I'm starting to like it here..."

"Oh hush!" Rainbow slapped him back into hiding, returning to "dishwashing" as she struggled to formulate the courageous start to an absurd conversation.

Comments

[MoonMirror]

So..... this is happening? Damn burd brains.

[Bulbajer]

I can't help but feel less amused than usual when reading the silly parts of Dash's adventures when Apple Bloom's life is in the balance. Either that or I ate my chicken pie wrong.
*realizes griffons are listening* uh... did I say "chicken pie"? Eheh...

[RoboRed]

These past few chapters have completely removed my ability to even.

[Sharp Quill]

GG Uninstall

I can only assume Lancie somehow infected the chapter title with his chaos.

[Lightning Bearer]

lolsnaps.com/upload_pic/Walmartbabyhasseensomeshit-71274.jpg

[MidnightReflection]

6184042 I lost most my ability to feel last chapter. And then this madness. I really hope we get out of the Griffon Mini-mini Arc soon. I don't know how much of the insanity I can take.

[zaponator]

We're spiraling further and further into the pit of bird madness, and I cannot see the bottom.

[Aatxe360]

6184497

The bottom is filled with bird scat and broken eggs. The fumes are doing funky things to those in proximity. No wonder Lancie likes the joint.

What day is it since RD left Ponyville? I'm pretty sure AB is on a timer according to Noir.

[Scohinyha Sanka]

Wouldn't it be amusing if the gang of bad guys would show up around now, try to attack RD only for Fibb to pounce on them still believing that RD is his Gramps.

[Hestia]

Rainbow has the worst luck. These lunatics are the only ones that can get her through the barrier, yikes.

[WhitewolfStormrunner]

6184042 You and me both, darlin'. You and me both

I sincerely hope that this particular arc is over soon.

Mainly because:

A) Apple Bloom does have a time-limit, like both Noir and Aatxe360 above said,

and

B) I'm slowly losing my patience with the idiots that Dash is having to deal with in this arc.

Not that I'm trying to tell JE what to do with his story, but I think things need to speed up a little bit. Apple Bloom needs it to.

And so does Rainbow...if only for the sake of her sanity.

[Sharp Quill]

6185265 Yeah, if it keeps going in this direction, it's going to challenge a certain other arc for the title of Worst Arc Ever.

[WhitewolfStormrunner]

6185282 Yeah, really.

The things Dash does for love, huh?

[viofriedsevey]

Is it character development that dash isn't acting like a hot shot and trying to start a fight? I think it might be.

[RainbowJack2000]

Velma? What is this, Scooby Doo?

[PropMaster]

Whatta buncha bastards. /sips

[Dash32]

Hey Fiibs? Uh, LAY OFF THE ROIDS BRAH!!!!!!

[DrEggnog]

The ridiculous level is high. Takes me back to the buffalo, which out of the first four adventure arcs was the one I most consistently enjoyed.