Appledashery

by Just Essay

Photojittery

“Alas, my latest and finest vork on exhibit!” Photo Finish dragged Rainbow to a stop in front of an array of black and white photographs. Several patrons had already gathered about to stare and murmur over the various images on display across a concave styrofoam partition. Deep crimson, pink, and violet floodlamps gave the entire exhibit a rosy hue. “I like to call it: 'Ze Modern Ekwestria Uterus.' Ach! Vhat does ze Fraulein Firefly sink?”

“Uhhhhh...” Rainbow Dash blinked dumbly at several fuzzy, close-up photographs of flowers, horse skulls, and sleeping/crying foals. “Errrr...” She coughed towards the left, meanwhile her right front hoof stealthily unclasped her purse. Sliding a few notecards out, she darted her eyes down, scanned a sheet or two, and then slid the items back in. “Oh! I... uh... find them quite derivative of the late and great Gallop O'Keefe, especially in their underlying subtle statements on the feminine mare psyche...”

Trenderhoof's beaming face swiveled into view. “That's just what I was going to say—”

Wham! Photo shoved him out of the way, grinning in Rainbow's face. “Ja! Zat is exactly vat I vas goink for! Gefällt's dir?” She pointed at the crooked allotment of photos. “Ze foals and ze shkulls are so closely arranged, just as is life and death.” Photo clasped her hooves together in an angelic pose. “Ve are srown into zis vorld vizout varnink, as flies before honey! Ze mare is a schön maschine of ze natures, but oh so cruel in ze existential launschink of foals into ze abyss! Ze womb is ze schamber and ze uterus is ze barrel of life's gun, ja?”

“Oh... totally ja...” Rainbow tried not to wretch, instead clearing her throat as she put on haughty airs. “But, if that was what I was going for, then I would have taken more photographs of... uhm... spaghetti.”

Photo Finish raised an eyebrow above her shades. “Shpaghetti?”

“Yeah. Y'know... to simulate the... the...” She gestured with a twirling hoof. “... ... ... life goop.”

The ponies all around them murmured and exchanged glances.

Photo Finish stared forward in dead silence. She suddenly exploded. “Liebe Güte! But of course! Vat was I sinkink?!” She slapped her forehead and paced angrily before the curved styrofoam board. “I schould hafe photographed molasses, caramel, petroleum—everythink I could have to simulate ze nebulous medium of ze amniotic fluid! Bah!”

She spun with a flounce of her skirts and bucked the whole display hard. Stallions and mares gasped as the entire board fell down, spilling black and white photographs across the floor of the Paint Bucket Flat.

“Zis cannot afford to be frozen in time! It must evolve vith truth and enlightenment! You!” She pointed at a blinking waiter. “Given sie me zat schampagne!” She grasped several glasses and spilled them all over the photographs, thoroughly soaking them in sudsy liquid. “Nein! Nein! It is too tranquil! Too predictable! Allow ze chaos to manifest itself into schön realistic tragedy!”

At last, after the exhibit had been utterly doused, she shattered the glasses all over them and jumped down the center. Crack! The styrofoam board cracked down the middle. Panting, Photo Finish trotted backwards, straightened her white bangs, and gestured at the mess.

“Behold! I, Photo Finish, present to you ze 'Abortion of Ze Nature Magiks!' It is now transformed from death to life and back unto ze deaths! Just like all art schould be!”

Gradually, everypony within earshot clapped and applauded. Several others even whistled and cheered.

Rainbow Dash was too busy blanching to notice. She gasped as she was hoisted away by Photo Finish towards another wall of photos.

“Fraulein Firefly! Ich liebe dich!” She beamed. “Your insights and selective critischisms have salvaged zat vich vas previously a borink travesty! Please! Illuminate meine mind more!” She swiveled Rainbow Dash to face a splash of photographs featuring monochromatic tree branches and dead birds. “I call zis 'Twlight of ze Teenage Ekwuestria!' Beeil dich! Wat do you see?”

“Uhhhh...” Rainbow fidgeted with her purse, stealing a ruby-eyed glance or two into its contents. “I... f-find the contrast of light and dark motifs to be indicative of... erm... the latter portraits drawn by Foalsisco de Goyoats...?”

“Oh, I've seen his stuff!” Trenderhoof slid in, grinning. “I especially like the drawing of Saturneigh eating his foals! Very creepy stuff.”

“Bah! Oatmeal for brains!” Photo scoffed. “You vouldn't know creepy if it came up and nibbled on your shtupid hair chin! Fraulein Firefly her knows ze true meanink of ze tragiks, ja?”

“Oh... totally! Awesometopia was once invaded by a scorched earth military campaign!”

“Truly?” Trenderhoof gasped, a hoof over his muzzle. “Was it... caribou?”

“Can caribou hold flame throwers?” Rainbow asked.

“Uhm, I-I don't think so, Your Highness.”

“Then buck them,” Rainbow grunted.

“Oooh! Over here!” Photo Finish dragged Rainbow again. “You must look at zis vork of meine!”

“Gah!” Rainbow stumbled. Her purse spun, and the notecards spilled wildly across the floor. “Horseapples!” She looked hopelessly over her shoulder. “M-my stuff! My purse lady stuff!” She tried reaching for it, but Photo had already dragged her to the far wall.

“Vhat do you sink?” Photo smiled wide as she pointed at several square boxes pasted all over in photographs of young mares with lampshades over their heads. “It's called 'Sunrise for a Decayink Honeymoon!'”

“Uhhhh... one second...” Rainbow yanked her forelimb out in futility. “If I-I could just... scoop them up...”

A waiter trotted over, stopped, knelt down, and scooped up the notecards.

“Oh, praise Celestia!” Rainbow exhaled heavily through a relieved smile. “You're a life-saver...”

“My pleasure, madame,” the stallion bowed with a serene smile. “I will dutifully throw these napkins away for you.”

“Wait... wait!” Rainbow's voice cracked.

The stallion was already trotting away, lost in the crowd, lights, and noise.

Rainbow gulped. “Oboy.”

“You see, ze lampschades are representative of ze repression of ze art magiks zat mares impose on themselves when they submit to ze appallink patriarchal tragedy zat is marriage!” Photo Finish said, pointing at the faceless mares in the photographs. “It was meant to be feminist expression at it's finest! Do you sink I, Photo Finish, have hit my mark?” She stared at Rainbow with rosy cheeks.

“Uhhhh...” Rainbow Dash glanced at her empty-empty purse, pouting. “Nnnnngh...” She blinked, then tilted her face towards the gallery. “Huh?”

“Ze photographs? Vhat is your opinion on—”

“Wait, isn't there—like—one stallion for every six mares in the average Equestrian community?”

Photo Finish stood still, her ears twitching. “Vell... ja, but—”

“So, like...” Rainbow scratched her head—realized she was nearly messing up her mane, then reluctantly stood straight in her dress with a sigh. “...isn't it a bit overboard to suggest that such a gender minority could have any real bearing on what a mare does to herself in life? I mean... pfffft... stop soaking in yourselves, girls...” She gestured at the photographs. “Even if mares and stallions were even-stevens with one another in the Equestria population, I don't see what would be holding mares back from being as awesome as they need to be. So why sit around moping about it?”

Stunned silence.

Photo Finish had to manually close her muzzle with a hoof. “Ja... Ja... but of course!” She brightened. “It is not ze oppression of others zat snuffs out ze light! It is self-induced punishment! Excuses made for darkenink a life zat could be lived to its fullest! How silly of me!” She clapped her hooves at Trenderhoof. “Breedink for brains!”

“D'uhmmm...” The unicorn stood awkwardly at attention. “Yes, Fraulein Finish?”

“Make yourself ze useful and flip zese boxes upside down!”

“All of them?”

“Beeilen sie sich! Before ze inspiration decays!”

Trenderhoof darted forward. Patrons watched—gawking—as he magically flipped each box over so that the photographs were now upside down.

“Ha! Now look!” Photo pointed at them with a proud smile aimed Rainbow's way. “Ze lampshades are bloomink the mares like schön flowers! From ze darkness of zeir tainted complexes, zey embrace the opportunity to become ze illumination zemselfes!” She squealed internally and flung a hoof towards the ceiling. “I feel ze magiks returnink to meine feines! Is like fallink into ein meat grinder only to come out as a pearl!”

As ponies applauded, Rainbow Dash chuckled dryly and shrugged. “Well, that's really... good for you.”

“For me?” Photo beamed in Rainbow's face. “For us, Fraulein! I see right srough you, Firefly! You are not some duchess from a foreign land!”

Rainbow sweated. “Uhhhhh—”

“You are my new muse!” Photo flung a forelimb around Rainbow's shoulder and led her towards another platform. “Come! Ve go!”

“Yeah, okay—Gah! Not so fast! Jeez...”

As the two left, a group of ponies hung in the shadows, looking on.

“I've never seen Photo Finish so... bright and happy before.”

“She's been needing this inspiration for a long time now. Especially considering her health.”

“Who is this strange mare? It's not enough that her gown is to die for, but she's having such a positive effect on everypony's favorite photographer.”

“I have no clue,” Trenderhoof cooed, teetering forward on his hooves as he stared lovingly at the pair from afar. “But I have to find out... even if it means me dying tomorrow...”

“Yeah, uh...” A couple of patrons trotted lazily away from the swooning stallion. “Good luck with that, pal.”

“Phweeeeeeeeee...”

Comments

[Tchernobog]

Desire to murder Trendy increasing with each passing moment...

“Oh... totally! Awesometopia was once invaded by a scorched earth military campaign!”
“Truly?” Trenderhoof gasped, a hoof over his muzzle. “Was it... caribou?”

[Bulbajer]

I kind of hope he doesn't end up dying tomorrow. That would mean AJ wouldn't get to kick him.

[HyperMonica]

4770073 You make an excellent point.

...

BUCK HIM INTO NEXT TUESDAY, APPLEJACK!!!

[RoboRed]

“I have no clue,” Trenderhoof cooed, teetering forward on his hooves as he stared lovingly at the pair from afar. “But I have to find out... even if it means me dying tomorrow...”

Some ponies just don't learn.

[Lightning Bearer]

Well, it's going pretty well so far, even if Rainbow's mostly flying by the seat of her... well, skirt.

[silverspawn]

this is the silliest arc in this story so far, but it's really good. I'm wondering how you even manage to get p.f's language mixture done so well.

[Jay_Baker]

This just keeps getting better :)

[Sheendough]

Wait. Photo Finish is being affected by the shard. Wouldn't our heroine be going crazy too due to excessive exposure to Lancie?

[Aatxe360]

4772258

Hit 'Refresh.'

And you are right. I wonder how RD will remember this chance meeting when she starts reading the books.

[BabySkittleMonster]

Ha! I've been meaning to catch up on these but my wifi was down. Glad to see it's only improving as time goes on!

[Full-time_Introvert]

“But, if that was what I was going for, then I would have taken more photographs of... uhm... spaghetti.”

[Misspegasister_]

Spaghetti
Hah, that's so random!

[Thursday]

Photo finish and ardy have the same disease!!!!

[Gammahoof]

cdn.meme.am/instances/18939706.jpg

[Weehawk]

I just suddenly and randomly att fb end of this thought that maybe RD might end up fixing Photos health