Appledashery

by Just Essay

References

“Boy, I'm telling you...” One grizzled stallion in a green jumpsuit rambled to another in the cold breath of night. “These last few books that A.K. Yearling has been writing?” He pulled a wheeled cart out of a service elevator located at the rear of the high rise apartment building then accompanied his partner beside the back alley dumpster. Vaporous mists rose from nearby sewer grates as the two ponies proceeded to toss trash bags into the large, rusted container. “Tchh! They've been nothing but garbage, bro!”

“Oh yeah? Why's that?”

“I mean—the main character's supposed to be an explorer, right?”

“Uh huh...”

“So how come her mustard yellow flank's been stuck in the same dayum kingdom for six hundred thousand words straight?”

“I dunno, dude. You ask me? I stopped caring about Daring Do ever since the author started shipping her with Ahuizotl.”

“Tch. I'm telling you, bro, A.K. Yearling fans are the most masochistic readers on Celestia's green earth.”

“Then how come you keep buying them books month after month?”

“'Cuz reading beats having to listen to my wife bitch every night.”

“Hah hah hah... hey, Joe. Anypony ever tell you that you're so transparent that a zebra could gallop through your ass?”

“Hell, it'd do me a world of good.”

Not that far away, a rattling sound echoed across the alleyway. Both janitors turned from tossing away garbage and blinked in the moonlight.

The service elevator doors clapped shut.

“Huh...” One stallion scratched his head. “Did you see what went in there just now?”

“Beats the hell out of me. Probably a raccoon.”

“A ghost raccoon?”

---

Inside the elevator, Rainbow Dash exhaled, her ears twitching as she felt the tug of gravity with each floor that the platform ascended. She tilted her head up, watching as the arrow at the top of the door rotated towards the number “35.”

“Hmmmm...” Lancie, in the meantime, leaned out the saddlebag and plucked at her tail hairs.

“Ow... Ow...” Rainbow hissed back at him, flicking her tail. “Quit it.” She blinked. “What are you doing, anyway?”

“Looking for rings to count.”

“Nnnngh...”

“Are all janitors born stupid, or is just me?”

“I dunno. What were janitors like back in your day?”

“What, tens of thousands of years ago?” Lancie shrugged. “An entire race of goblins was forced to floss the teeth of Cocytus every other methane eruption down in Tartarus.”

“Meh. Forget I asked.”

“Why'd you choose the thirty-fifth floor?”

“That's where the friggin' shard is, ain't it?”

“Mmmmmmm... maybe...”

Rainbow did a double-take, her snarling voice resonating against the elevator walls. “Maybe?! I'm only pulling this stunt because I trust your senses! At least I want to trust your senses!”

“Well, I got us this far, didn't I?” Lancie grinned a stone smile. “That should count for something!”

“Unless you can somehow prove that you were the one who carried me up here after an entire afternoon wasted on pigeon-poop-covered window ledges waiting for—” Rainbow blinked. Her body flounced upwards and settled. “We just stopped.”

“Well, that was quick.”

“Dude... this is the thirtieth floor!”

“So?”

“So...!” Rainbow's voice cracked as she leaned forward and squinted down the vertical seam between the elevator doors. “Somepony must be getting on board!”

“Uhhhh...”

“Ohcrudohcrudohcrucohcrud!”

“Quick!” Lancie gestured. “Roll over and pretend to be a dead raccoon!”

“You're not helping!”

---

Immediately outside, two pony maids stood with a cart full of cleansers and rags.

“And then he said, 'Anthrax? Who is she?!'”

“Heeheeheeheehee!” The other mare giggled, adjusted her cap, and then blinked blankly. “I don't get it.”

“Eh. Nopony uptown should write for Broadwhinny anymore.”

Ding!

The elevator opened up, bright and empty. The two maids rolled their cart forward and stepped inside. After pressing the button, they stood side by side, then exchanged a glance.

“Do you smell kiwi fruit?”

“I 'unno.”

The doors slid shut.

---

With a mechanical whirr, the elevator car smoothely descended the dimly-lit shaft that ran down the towering height of the inner skyscraper. Hovering in the thin space between metal cables above, Rainbow Dash held her breath. Once the elevator car was at a comfortable distance, she pulled a few threads of her mane, turned her muzzle aside, and gave herself a slight sniff. Her brow furrowed. Ultimately, she shrugged, then flapped her wings harder, ascending the shaft.

“See? Nothing to be worried about!” Lancie said, grinning.

“Don't pretend this isn't freaky,” Rainbow muttered. “It's a friggin' miracle we haven't been pile-driven by a security guard wanting to get his Undertrotter groove on or something.”

“Will you just relax? My shard is within hoof-grasp! I can feel it!”

“Where?”

“Uhhhhhhh...” Lancie's eyes went in opposite directions, and he pointed both left and right. “Thataway!”

“Nnnngh... come onnn....”

“...pivot slightly.”

Rainbow awkwardly did so.

Slowly, like converging compass arrows, Lancie's paw and talon met in a single point, beyond which was an air-conditioning grate. “Hah! Yeah, that'll do!”

“Eungh... seriously?”

“It's either this, or you frolic down the hallways like a living Walt Disneigh Song and Dance Number.”

“As fun as that sounds...” CLANG! Rainbow kicked the grate loose and stuck her head in. “...I'm gonna go with the claustrophobic route.”

“There's a good spark...”

Rainbow lingered, glancing left and right at the tight, tight metal walls.

“What's the matter?” Lancie asked.

“I dunno... I feel like something's missing,” Rainbow Dash muttered. “Some random speech about card games and laughter.”

“Oh, I know!” Lancie fished through Rainbow's saddlebag and produced a flickering lighter. “Here! This help?”

“Grnnngh...” Rainbow rolled her eyes and shuffled ahead. “I shoulda left you in the dumpster.”

“You love it, gurl.”

Comments

[Pilate]

I get it.

[SilentBird93]

oh oh oh... ohhh

[unknownbore]

I don't get it, now I'm sad.

[Sheendough]

“I dunno, dude. You ask me? I stopped caring about Daring Do ever since the author started shipping her with Ahuizotl.”

I see what you did there.

[Lightning Bearer]

Headcanon acquired: Rainbow Dash smells like kiwi.

“So how come her mustard yellow flank's been stuck in the same dayum kingdom for six hundred thousand words straight?”

Probably got some cool characters out of that, though.

[RoboRed]

“Do you smell kiwi fruit?”

“I 'unno.”

HA!

“Where?”

“Uhhhhhhh...” Lancie's eyes went in opposite directions, and he pointed both left and right. “Thataway!”

I still think that is one of the greatest moments from any cartoon ever.

[HyperMonica]

Yunno, most times I feel like I can totally sympathize with your characters, and I completely understand what's going on and what they are going through.

The there are times like these where I don't get your humor.

[YoshiFawful64]

“I mean—the main character's supposed to be an explorer, right?”

“Uh huh...”

“So how come her mustard yellow flank's been stuck in the same dayum kingdom for six hundred thousand words straight?”

I see what you did there.

“Tch. I'm telling you, bro, A.K. Yearling fans are the most masochistic readers on Celestia's green earth.”

You flatter me. No, that's not sarcasm.

[BabySkittleMonster]

Hilarious until the last few lines, then I just got confused. Don't get me wrong, dude... Still absolutely amazing but I'm a little thick at times and don't always get jokes.

[Jay_Baker]

Can't wait to see what's next :)

[YoshiFawful64]

4684755
Wait, what's the other time, then? I only remember the one from Stratopolis.

[Tchernobog]

“Oh, I know!” Lancie fished through Rainbow's saddlebag and produced a flickering lighter. “Here! This help?”

Yipee Ki Yay, motherbucker!

[zaponator]

[Future Regret]

Lost me at the end, but I got thenAustraeoh ones..... I think...

[arancaytar]

“ Tch . I'm telling you, bro, A.K. Yearling fans are the most masochistic readers on Celestia's green earth.”

That's a lovely lampshade right there.

[True Edge]

*Looks through comments.* Really?. . . . . REALLY?! NONE of you ponies have watched DIE HARD?! Well, clearly SOME of you have but. . . . .But. . . . How can you live on this earth and HAVEN’T seen DIE HARD?!?!?!?!