Appledashery

by Just Essay

The Door Stopper Files

"I wasn't always like this, y'know," the statue said, pacing back and forth across the window sill where Rainbow Dash had placed him down. "I used to have a lot more tricks up my sleeve, including the ability to have sleeves at random! I assure you, my past self was a great deal more theatrical than this paltry, stiff, yet undeniably handsome doorstep whom you cavorting in front of you."

"Discord the Devourer of Peace," Rainbow grunted.

"Hoity Toity What?" The statue spun to squint up at her. "What in blazes is that? Some super rare Magic: The Galloping card?"

"It's your friggin' name, isn't it?"

"Pfffft. Oh, please, you think someone as jolly as me would use such an appalling monicker?!"

"I dunno, you tell me."

"And just who in Equestria's name made you think that was my name?"

"Noir," Rainbow Dash said. "Of the Sarosian Lunar Guard."

"OoOoOoOoOoh!" He squeezed his granite cheeks together. "The Sarosians! How dark and mysterious a name, too." His limps went slack, as did his bored expression. "It gets a B+ for originality, but—let's face it—those bat things would all be better off plagiarising J.K. Yearling's fifth book in the series."

"Do you answer any question straight?"

"Not when they're stupid. Ahem. No, I don't know this supposed 'Noir' character when he's at home. From the sound of it, he should be off gliding down a buildingtop somewhere. Might as well have named himself 'Murk.' I'm sure he would have won himself more fillies that way... or colts. Depends on which side of the fence the guano falls."

"Then just what the heck is your name?"

"Oooooh, now that's a question I can wrap my beardstache around." He stroked the stone tufts in question, staring out the window. "Being a stone golem for so long has earned me the nickname of 'pigeon outhouse.' And that doesn't quite win you many toasts at a cocktail party. Hmmmm..."

Rainbow Dash groaned, face-hoofing.

"Hmmm! Oh, I know! Quite the delicious choice too." He glanced up at her with a stone grin, pointing with a talon. "Call me 'Lancie'."

"Lancie..."

"Yes. You see, 'Pliskin' was taken."

"Fine..."

"Although, on the other hand, would you kindly settle for 'Atlas'—?"

"I said Fine!" Rainbow Dash snarled, leaning down to glare in his face. "Cut to the quick, Lancie!"

"Has anypony told you that you've got a ridiculously soft complexion?" He leaned forward with a chuckle, poking her in the muzzle. "I swear! Like a fuzzy blue cat! I bet you even have your nuzzle glands located in there—"

"That's it." Rainbow gripped the statue and made to toss him out the window once more. "You're out with the bathwater."

"Alright! Alright, I'll get back on topic!" Lancie said with an exasperated groan. Once Rainbow plopped him back down, he brushed his tiny stone limbs off. "Not like I would have gotten far away without cartoon skunking my way back behind you in a blink."

"Mmmmnghh..." Rainbow folded her forelimbs with a pout.

"Now now... just what were we talking about? Oh, yes. You see, I'm a fragment of my past self. Quite literally. There was a time when I could sneeze and cure cancer. How's that for an impressive feat of magic!"

Rainbow squinted at him. "Ponies die from cancer everyday. It's the number one leading cause of fatalities in modern Equestria."

"Oh, it is? Oh dear..." He stroked his chin. "Shows how many hay fever seasons I've missed over the eons. Ah well." He carved a thin notch into the window sill. "Add that to the top of the list. There we go."

"Lancie..."

"But... I could be that powerful again!" He turned to grin up at her. "All it takes is... mmmmm... a reunion, of sorts. I have pieces of myself lying all over the place and they're sick of writing long distance. We absolutlely must shake paws and talons with ourselves again!"

"You mean to say that you've been powerless ever since you got shattered?"

"Correctomundo! Although, I gotta say, you certainly knocked the wind out of my lungs!" He spread his arms wide, smiling. "If it weren't for you, I'd still be stuck in permanent soprano uvulation with sparrows leaving treats into my gaping mouth!" He tugged at his wrist. "I'd give you a hand, but... eheh... for all we know, it's halfway across the continent by now."

"But wait a sec..." Rainbow Dash squinted at him. "I heard a snapping sound, and suddenly Granny Smith's life was saved at Sweet Apple Acres. Didn't you do that?"

"I sure hope I did. I'd hate for a bunch of telekinetic squirrels to be stealing my thunder."

"But it was you?" Rainbow Dash gestured. "It was completely and totally you!"

"Just as much as you're being completely and totally redundant!"

"So, what's the big deal?!" Rainbow frowned. "You do too have power! Just snap your talons again and bring your pieces to you!"

"Uh uh..." He folded his arms. "No can do. Besides, even if it worked that way, I already sapped all of my strength by saving Miss Wrinkle Boogers."

"Hah!" Rainbow Dash smirked bitterly. "A likely story."

"Don't believe me?"

"Why should I?"

"Because you and I are connected, are we not?" Lancie gestured. "And although I'd rather throw my life into the hooves of a far more capable mare..."

"H-Hey!"

He continued. "It turns out that I have to do what I can to please you. And, tell me, what pleases you more than saving something so precious to you? Or, better yet, something precious to a pony who's precious to you?"

Rainbow Dash sat still, seething with a clenched jaw.

"Oh please, drop the charade." He waggled his eyebrows. "Maybe nopony else knows, but me? I can read you like a book, sister, even if every page is just a black and white photocopy of a walnut."

"Alright, so if what you say is true, why would I even bother fetching the other pieces of you?" Rainbow asked. "You're powerless. So what good are you to me? To anyone?"

"Wow, your brain really does confer with birds a lot, doesn't it?" He cleared his throats. "The truth is simple, my little pony. The more pieces I gain, the closer I am to becoming whole, and then my powerrrrrrr..." He waggled a finger at her with an enticing smile.

Rainbow stared blankly at him.

Lancie blinked, then face-palmed. "Ugh! I gain a little more power, okay?! Cheese and rice!" He tossed his hands and swiveled away from her. "It's like talking to a fire hydrant that hasn't been humped in a decade."

"And why would I want you to gain more power?"

"I don't know..." He looked over his shoulder. "Why would you want things to go well on the farm?"

Rainbow shook her head. "It can't possibly be that simple."

"Why not?" He leaned over and elbowed her forelimb. "I want to meet-and-greet all of my lost limbs. You want to woo Princess Tumbleweed." He struck a gallant pose. "Everypony wins! Especially you, Miss Frecklestruck!"

"Knock it off," Rainbow grumbled, glaring off towards the furthest corner of the room. "You make it sound sooooo pathetic."

"Yes." He smirked examining his stone talon. "Because you don't do enough of that on your own."

"How do I know you haven't gotten something fishy planned?" Rainbow asked, staring him straight down the stone muzzle. "What's to say you won't blow up a school building or cause a comet to fall if I so much as grab the first lost shard from the black market?"

"The world's been around a great deal longer than you think. Believe me." He stared with bored eyes. "It's been done. Even if I was mischievous—which I'm not—I must say that I haven't a whole lot of reason to lash out."

"Oh really..."

"You'd be surprised how much being stoned can mellow you out." He jerked, his granite eyes bulging. "Snkkkt—haa haa haa!" He slapped his knee with a plinking sound. "Ohhhhhh criminy! Sometimes I surprise my own handsome self! Heheheh..."

"I'm sorry..." Rainbow Dash leaned back, frowning. "But I don't buy it for one second. Everything about you just... reeks of trouble."

"That's quite a tall order, Sparky." He slinked down and reclined against the edge of the window. "Wanna put it to the test?"

"You challenging me?"

"Depends on whether or not you find a spelunking trip into the dusty-grimy caverns of subterannean Equestria to be a challenge to your dashing, courageous, and undeniably squeaky self."

Rainbow leaned back. "Buh?"

"Oh!" Lancie sat up, folding his talon-and-paw in his lap. "Did I forget to mention? I can sense where the closest piece of me is located. And, speak of the devil, it happens to beeeeeeee..." He covered his eyes with a paw and pointed all around with a talon, until finally settling upon a direction aimed north and outside the window. "....there! About eleven or so miles, or thirteen, if you count the angle for having to descend below sea level."

"Well, that's awfully convenient," Rainbow Dash muttered.

"Oh, I doubt it. Whoever or whatever got ahold of my nearest piece must take the term 'downpaying the mortage' realllllly seriously. I doubt it's that sunny of a place, much less friendly, which is why I kind of want that piece me out of there and somewhere closer to here. By 'here' I mean my nice, shiny tush."

"You can't be serious..."

"What? The Canterlot gardeners polished it every week!"

"No, I mean this is all a stupid trick!" Rainbow Dash snarled. "You're just baiting me into doing something stupid that will kill myself!"

"Oh, there's no denying the fact that it's stupid." He reclined against the windowpane again, smirking suavely at her. "But, as for the 'killing yourself' part, that's up to you..." He squinted. "...but, let's face it, you've never really needed me for that, have you, Speedy?"

"Just what are you saying?"

"Simply that you've got yourself the opportunity of a lifetime here! Now you can bend yourself backwards as you always do for something—or somepony whom you happen to believe in... only this time, for once in your life, there's a certifiable payoff."

Rainbow Dash was silent.

Lancie grinned with a shiny stone fang. "Care to place your bets...?"

Comments

[Aatxe360]

Oh! The references!

And it should have been obvious that he caused the incident in the first place.

[Sheendough]

It's "correctamente", and grammatically, it's wrong. You should change that to "exactamente".

[zaponator]

I sense a possible epic fetch quest upcoming...

[Lightning Bearer]

Murk? Lancie? Princess Tumbleweed? Miss Frecklestruck?

derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/8/11/397850__safe_solo_rainbow+dash_screencap_book_scrunchy+face_derp_a+friend+in+deed_rainbow+derp.png

Gawd, I love Discord. Excited to see where this is going.

4264979

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[Jay_Baker]

Another great chapter keep up the good work. I love this story hope it last a long time :)

[Novi]

"Being a stone golem for so long has earned me the nickname of 'pigeon outhouse.' And that doesn't quite win you many toasts at a cocktail party. Hmmmm..."

"I sure hope I did. I'd hate for a bunch of telekinetic squirrels to be stealing my thunder."

[YoshiFawful64]

Miss Wrinkle Boogers? Telekinetic squirrels? Lancie? I don't know if I should go , or . Probably all three.

About eleven or so miles, or thirteen, if you count the angle for having to descend below sea level.

That's seven-ish miles downward.

[Khao]

Man, 150 chapters in two and a half days... And two of those were work days! My brain hurts now.

[Metal Aura]

The truth is simple, my little pony. The more pieces I gain, the closer I am to becoming whole, and then my powerrrrrrr..." He waggled a finger at her with an enticing smile.

There are so many Austraeoh references. I like the parallels between these two stories.

[Weehawk]

5946003 is that how much I've red so far? Been like a day and a half for me I think. This is really eating up all my time >.>

[ImpossibleReflection]

oh no, caves

[arancaytar]

"Lancie..."

"Has anypony told you that you've got a ridiculously soft complexion?" He leaned forward with a chuckle, poking her in the muzzle. "I swear! Like a fuzzy blue cat! I bet you even have your nuzzle glands located in there—"

Drink.

... Also, I can't wait for RD to realize that if Discord is nearly as powerful as he says, he could cure her as well.

[arancaytar]

7055456
Unlimited rice pudding!

[True Edge]

8456464
I. . . . Had not thought of that. Hmmm. . . . .