• Published 4th Dec 2013
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Appledashery - Just Essay



Rainbow Dash lives an exciting life and is swiftly becoming the most daring, awesome pegasus in all of Equestria. She would gladly give it all up, though, just to confess her love to Applejack.

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Trot Me Like You Did the Night Before

There was something wrong; Rainbow Dash was sure of it.

Everytime she tried murmuring the six words, they kept coming out in a slur. Everything was fuzzy, laced with needles... falling from a grand, soupy distance.

Rainbow's face tensed... at least until it rolled over and felt the cool surface of something plush and lacy. A pur escaped from the pegasus' throat, and she nuzzled the material, reveling in its comfort. There was a stale fragrance to it, like something that had been perfumed and then mummified under plastic sheets.

At last, with a tranquil flutter, Rainbow's eyes opened.

A horse skull stared down at her.

“Gaaaah!” Rainbow flew straight up—WHUD!—struck the top of a canopy bed, then immediately plummeted back down with a fwoosh to her skirts. She lay awkwardly across the peach duvet of a neatly-made bed in the middle of a spacious bedroom. Panting, she gazed at the skull. It turned out to be a giant, black-framed photograph of pony bones mixed with still life of a large bowl of fruit. To the left and right were several more photographs—all black and white, and no less bizarre.

The bloodrush of Rainbow's violent awakening caught up with her nervous system. “Owwwwwwwww...” Her bloodshot eyes teared slightly as she gripped her head. “Ow ow ow ow ow...” She squinted her eyes from the invasive glow of daylight. Rubbing her skull, she realized that one hoof still had a stocking while the other was bare.

Rainbow glanced at herself. She realized that she was still wearing the ornate dress from last night.

“Last... night...?”

Her head turned. Past a mountain of pillows, she spotted a bedside table. Her hairband, her heels, and her silver purse were all neatly placed alongside one another. There was even a tray of water. The pitcher and the two glasses were all half-empty.

“Uhm...” She rolled to the other side of the bed and instantly regretted it. A window faced her, and the light stabbed every atom in her retinae. “Unnnnghhh... Celestia on a unicycle...”

Despite her ever-waking agony, Rainbow Dash nevertheless stood up and lurched towards the window. She hovered on limp, heavy wings, then gripped the bottom of the window with two forelimbs.

“Nnnngh-guh!”

She flung the window open. Immediately her ears were assaulted by honking carriage horns, clopping hooves, and distant jackhammers.

“Mrnnngh... for real... why do we even need the sun?” She rubbed her eyes... then rubbed them some more. “Why c-can't we all be batponies like Noir? Mehhh...” At last, she dared to glance out. “Huh... I'm still in Manehattan... eh?” She glanced to the left, spotting tall skyscrapers amidst the early morning haze. “Hrmmm... fuzzzzzzy...” She glanced to the right, staring into a grinning face with antlers.

“Reise, Reise!”

“Gaaah!” Rainbow lurched back. “Lancie! What are you doing here?!” Rainbow wheezed. “I mean, where is here?!” Her eyes crossed. “I-I mean... is here where I'm, and why?”

“Has anypony ever told you you're beautiful when you're stupid?”

“Lancie...”

“Nice cowlicks, by the way.” The statue stood on the ledge amidst a flock of roosting pigeons. He pointed up at Rainbow's crown. “You fraternize with any bulls on the way to counting sheep as they hopped over Alcoholics Anonymare's?”

Rainbow fumbled with her disheveled mane. She blinked, then frowned at him. “Did... d-did you stow away on the carriage that Vinyl and I took to the Paint Bucket Flat?”

“That depends.” He shrugged. “Did you get the code to the Photographanista's vault?”

“No.”

“Then what are you doing here?!”

“That's what I'm bucking asking you!” Rainbow's voice cracked. “If you saw me go into the party, you must have seen me come out! Especially if you followed me here!”

“Heh. And it wasn't easy too. Girl, lemme tell you.” Lancie pointed at two of the pigeons standing wall-eyed behind him. “They charge half-a-minute to carry me. And then on the way here, they suddenly get lost! I swear they do it on purpose!” He turned and spat at the twitching birds. “It's because I'm stone, isn't it?!”

“Lancie...”

“You know...” Lancie folded his arms and smirked. “If Queen Freckles of Applezanzibar knew you were so keen on sleeping around in strange places—”

“I wasn't sleeping around!” Rainbow shouted, her cheeks red. “I was j-just... collapsing with style!”

“Riiiiiiiight...”

“Lancie, please, this isn't the time or place to get on my bad side. I'm achey. I'm hung over. I'm still wearing this stupid slinky dress thing. And on top of all that I think I may have botched my one chance to get what we both needed from Photo!”

“Oh... I wouldn't say that,” Lancie said, examining his gray talon. “I'd say you've gotten a bit closer into frame, so to speak.”

“Pfft! What in the hay is that—?” Rainbow blinked. “Wait a second...” She stared out the window, seeing her distant reflection in the opposite apartment complex. She glanced down at the number of stories between street level and where she stood. “This place... is... am I right back at—?”

There was a knock on the door. A muffled voice cheerfully sang: “Guten Morgen! Are you done sleepink, Fraulein?”

“Obeecheee!” Rainbow spun, squeaking. “She... sh-she took me to her apartment?!

“Isn't that great?!”

“That's horrible!”

“Horrigreat.” Lancie snapped his paw. “Let's settle for that.”

“Lancie...”

“What?” He shrugged. “So you won enough of her respect to avoid a strike two! Hop on it, Sparky!”

“Yeah, but I was really... really hoping I could drop this act already!” She rubbed her head, teetering. “Unnngh... especially with my skull full of hooftacks...”

“Well, pick the act back up!” Lancie frowned. “Carry it all the way to Mount Gallopgotha, if you have to! This is the only way to get the shard!”

“But—”

“I hope you like Laugenstangen!” He winked and slammed the window shut with both hands.

“Vat? Laugenstangen? I sought you'd nefer ask! I shall be right back!”

“No! I mean... uhhh...” Rainbow winced, glancing all around. “I... I-I think I need to... uh... shower!”

“Awwww... Ze party magiks shtill plague you! Vant I should carry you zere?”

“What? No! I can... uh... f-find it myself! Thanks!”

“Vonderbar. I hope ze Fraulein doesn't mind! Vhen I found out zere vas no carriage to take you home, I, Photo Finish, decided to lend meine own hospitality!” Hoofsteps merrily skipped towards the other end of the apartment. “Taken sie all ze time zat you vant! I hafe so much to share vith you! Oh! Ze sheer inspiration of ze night dreams!” And her giggling voice frolicked off through the walls.

“Eeeeeeuuunnnghhh...” Rainbow trudged up to the bedside table, picked up the pitcher of water, and splashed it all over her face and dripping mane. “Nnnnngh... buck my life...”

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